We have been married 25 years. The 1st 15 years he was addicted to drugs so I didn't notice the ocpd. The five years after that I was so greatful for the sobriety that the problems seemed small compared to the drug abuse problems. This last five years I have noticed patterns. This last year it is VERY clear we are dealing with OCPD. I feel like I am living in a minefield almost afraid to take a step. This last explosion I made it clear to him I can not take anymore bomb throwing. I also shared with him my belief that he is OCPD. He hasn't researched it but he tended to agree with me. (He knows he has perfectionism tendensies). He says he will do his best to quit bomb throwing. I am wore out - confused - want to help him - want to help me - not sure how to progress - sometimes feel like those bombs put too many holes in me... I beleive in God (Jesus) and the power of prayer. Looking for help - answers - suggestions ........
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Reading your post really helps to at least know I'm not alone!!!! My husband and I have been together 4 years now and married for a year and 1/2. First off my husband has many good qualities many of which are reasons I love him. I have 2 children 16yr (boy) and 10yr (girl) prior to us marring and having our own 5month old (girl) He does make time for family stuff and is a great new daddy. He is funny and fun to be around that is when his OCPD/OCD is controlling us all and making everyone miserable...
It seems it worst some times than others. He is just angry and constantly complaining about everyone he is closest to us, co-workers the worst is he is a bit of a hypocrite saying who this person is a control freak etc. And it's always worse when you add ANY everyday stress into the factor. Lately it's been unbearable... To the point I question why I stay!!!! And what is better for the kids to stay or leave!?!?! His words are really harsh even abusive. They older kids and I do NOTHING right!!!! We are call "sorry, trifling etc." I hear more of the name calling than the kids he will tell me how trifling or sorry they are. But he talks to them using better words just a lot of anger. He makes list all the time everything has to happen just so. It's like living on a military base 24/7.
My kids are not allowed to sit on their beds when they come home from school unless they have showers and clean cloths on. he has designated places they are allowed to sit like in the kitchen in chairs that can be wiped out, the couch ONLY also where company will sit when they come over which is almost never. I can count on 2 hands the visitors we have had in our 2 years of living here. He wasn't always this bad, he moved in with me and my kids for a year and while he was funny he never was really even close to how things are now. We moved to his home a family home 2 years ago. Just yesterday I got out of his truck and let the seat belt go and it twisted. When he got in he started fussing at me. Now i usually pay attention to this because he gets so mad about it, But yesterday I was in a hurry and simple forgot to double check that. His remarks were "How can I train the kids if I can't train you!!!! if I have sex with you, it will be because I want to have an orgasm. If I cuddle with you, it's because I want to feel a warm body next to me!" He hurts/punishes me with words because he knows it bothers me.
No our kids were NOT around of course he would not talk that way in front of them.
I have in our relationship been the one to bend and give and adapt to keep him happy. BUT it is NEVER enough if I get one thing like he wants I get 10 other things wrong. If I clean the house while he is outside working in the yard which is his obsession he will come in and never complain, but if he is in the house I can't even wipe the counters off right, pull the paper towels off right, cut the sink off right. He corrects my every move he constantly criticizes me. Yet I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep the peace and make things work. Both of my older children are honor roll students without being pushed to be.. yet he punishes them for little stuff ALL the time. If they lean on a wall or get crumbs in the KITCHEN floor while eating. INSIDE the house we are miserable. Yet the next day he will be throwing ball with the kids and he doesn't miss a football or softball game of theirs. If there is a chance your pants touch the ground you have to roll your pants up before entering the house. You can't touch the counter with your "dirt clothes" when you wash your hands. Or... you get yelled at and the MOM has to wipe everything down.
He tells me what he wants done in the house. My daughter cant even take her book bag to her room she has to leave it in the mudroom as you walk in our back door. My 16year old son can not fix his own drink because my husband believes he will go into the refrigerator without washing his hands... I am responsible for almost everything in the house from chores to fixing the children's drink. At night the kids will walk into the kitchen to ask a question and he jumps them telling them your mom is busy don't come in here worrying her with a million questions. I feel so bad for them because much like me they have developed a LOVE/HATE feeling for him. They can't even talk at the dinner table "to much" which is when he says be quite. I just don't know what to do.... Some structure is great for the kids, and I hate the thought of being a single mom of now 3 kids. But at the same time I find myself walking into the other room as he is telling me what I'm "doing wrong and how sorry I am" and whispering I just want out!!! When I defend myself or the kids I'm "disrespecting him" or "running my mouth" as he puts it. And then when I find myself feeling strong and ready to make a move without even telling him I want out, it seems like all of a sudden we have a great week or 2 with just a few hiccups. And during them moments life is WONDERFUL... And my husband not so bad, he is actually everything I could ask for!!!!
I've mentioned in a heated argument leaving and he acts at that moment like he doesn't care. I can always tell when I get the best of him or have made him question himself because he completely withdraws himself for the conversation. He'll even tell me to shut up he isn't talking to me anymore... I think what frustrates me most is his ability to hid it from the rest of the world... His parents know of course and his mom especially is always trying to convince him to seek some help. But that tends to make him mad with me especially if he thinks I told her of a situation or bad moment we had. He says I'm bad mouthing him. When things are good he is always reminding the kids and me"See if y'all just do the little things I ask you to do, we all would get along better" but if we get something actually done how he likes there seems to always be something else we get wrong. My husband knows he has issues because he will admit to OCD tendencies but never in a negative way it's more like " I know I'm OCD but I'd rather be that than as trifling as you 3 are any day!" Did I mention you can EAT off my floors! I'm soooooo lost any advice!?!?! I do love all of my husband's amazing qualities but his one flaw is the worst I believe he could have OCPD/OCD.
March 3, 2015 - 11:30amThis Comment
Your story is so similar to mine, it is actually comforting in a strange way to know I am not alone. i so u der stand where you are. I have a six year old son and whilst i have done my best to shield him from the destructive consequences he is getting older and the impact is greater. With my husband it is about mess and keeping things brand new, so I bought my son (husband and I have separate finances) a bike. Whenever m y son uses it my husband says 'be careful. ,, not to fall off.... and scratch the bike''. A small example of a much larger problem that has caused severe depression in me and exacerbation of chronic disease.
July 29, 2015 - 7:02amI want to leave but am conflicted because then I will have to hand over a small 6 year old boy to the madness for a whole weekend. It truly is awful to wait the controlling behaviour. Our dishwasher broke and so after 4 months o managed to get it fixed under warranty. Husband had never loaded dishwSher nor ever cooked or washed up by hand. Once o got the dishwasher fixed he said we weren't to use it as he cleaned it before the repair man came and that it was 'disgusting' and he can't have anything in there, I said I don't care if you don't wa t to use the dishwasher. It I am not washing up. So he now washes up every day cursing and moaning about mess because he can't bear to put a dish in the clean dishwasher. I evidently don't wash up properly and am going to poison him. His mother sends our so clothes but he won't let me wash them. Because they will get ruined, so 2 years later the clothes she Se t her grandson are now too small sitting in dads wardrobe. Ot to mention the constant insults his favourite comment to me is ' it's not rocket science' ' normal people don't do that'etc etc.
What a lonely place to be. he has no problem, it is all my fault, if only i would keep the house the wAy he wanted everything would be fine. Forget that I work full time have chronic disease and earn twice as much as him......
My husband was diagnosed by psychiatrist as having OCPd but he refuses to accept that so won't get assistance. Your story could be mine the behaviours are so similar.
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Living with a person affected by this disorder can be a living hell. In my case, my girlfriend of ten years is absorbed in a sort of workaholic lifestyle at the expense of all else. She has no real recreational hobbies whatsoever. She works and when she is not at work she is glued to her laptop at home where she works more. When she is not on the laptop, she watches Netflix through her iPad obsessively, one series after another, and every single episode of that series. Oddly, her one recreational activity is smoking - both cigarettes and marijuana. Both of these are activities she engages in every day.
Owing to her fear of germs, there has never been even one occasion where guests have been invited over in over five years. Luckily, I own my own house and am able to bridge that gap that way. In general, she is anal and "feisty" in the negative sort of way. She is by nature a contrary type of person and sees nothing in being agreeable. She'll make me wait when leaving the house, often for five or ten minutes, while I sit in the car. But when it is me who needs more time, she'll rush me. Its as if she is wired to what is exactly the opposite of what the moment requires - and whatever that is, she'll do.
In general conversation, she'll be unnecessarily argumentative. If we go out to dinner, she'll say she wants to turn around and go home if there is something neither of us can control, like a weather for example. If the restaurant is crowded, we leave before even sitting down, because she says she cant stand crowds.
It's just a train wreck. I would leave her, but the truth is, I don't want her to be alone. I know she won't find anyone who will put up with this. Advise is welcome.
January 4, 2015 - 12:19amThis Comment
My husband has OCPD. He always said he had OCD tendencies and we'd laugh about it, but yesterday his OCPD got the best of me and I researched and took direct quotes from health news sites etc. I emailed him the quotes and told him that we (his family) love him and will be there for him, but that he is making me crazy!! He laughed about the email and agreed that the sites describe him perfectly and apologized for his disorder. He also acknowledged that he might need help at times reminding him what the appropriate course of action for a 'normal' person would be. Fingers crossed that we can redirect his perfectionism and other annoying traits for the common good, rather than detriment!
May 29, 2013 - 2:41pmThis Comment
Hi I have been married almost 4 years . I always knew my husband was a bit 'anal' and annoying with certain things but just over looked it as he is a bit of a perfectionist. Well recently either his symptoms have got worse or it is just harder to deal with , but alot of times I feel like I am the crazy one . After finally realising that this is not normal behaviour and that he might have a problem. I have reseached OCPD and it was like some one put the light on and it all just made sense. I am sure that he has OCPD , i feel at this point that I am able to deal with it , and it is not me that I am too concerned about or our marraige , but the fact that he gets really depressed sometimes over the samllest of incidents. Also we are fighting more and more as I am finding it more and more difficult to understand where he is coming from and the way he thinks just doesnt make any sense to me. The whole world is always against him and I find myself feeling depressed and down alot when I am generally a very carefree happy person .... My question is , do I suggest to him that he might have OCPD ? Or do I leave it alone and just learn about it myself so that I am able to understand more ? I am worried that if I tell him he has OCPD he will take it personally that I think there is something wrong with him and I don't think that he will ever admit to having any kind of disorder because there is never anything wrong with him .... it is everyone else that has a problem ... what do I do ?
April 25, 2013 - 6:10amThis Comment
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July 26, 2013 - 9:02amI can really relate to the post above.My husband has been diagnosed with ocpd this year and is in so many ways a fantasic person and wonderful father, everyone likes him as he can be a lot of fun and has a good heart. He doesn't have much of a social life as is not willing to make different friends as the ones he normally hangs out with are moving away or tied up with their own problems. The problems between us arise when we both forget that the condition traps him in difficult situations and whatever solutions there might be to ease his stress or discomfort he refuses to entertain them, especially if its me offering them! It is infuriating to constantly go around in circles while to complains about the same things day in and out but won't make a single change in his life. Worse is that he some times tells me he was happy with a situation until a few weeks before , when I know he's been complaining about it daily for much longer.
I love him dearly and really appreciate so many things about him, but I am finding the black moods, lack of flexibility and his inability recognise anyone elses point of view very tough to deal with and we are having terrible arguments. I know I don't handle things as sensitively as I could and trying to 'win' an argument is pointless, but I'm not sure how we can get things back on track. Even with a diagnosis ,when a condition tells a person they are the only sane person doing things correctly, there is not much a partner can do to convince them otherwise. My husband has just informed me after our row today that he has stopped smoking and is resigning from his job as these were things were causing me concern about his health and stress levels. Every reaction is extreme and when I said that I totally support him to do both of those things if he wants to and think we need to be realistic about how hard these things will be and perhaps look at why he smokes so he can use patches so doesn't replace it with something else that will hurt his health (he already drinks beer on his way home most nights because he is stressed) and make sure he's got all the support he needs around him he says I am being negative. I'm worried he is setting himself up to fail with the smoking and don't think I can cope if it makes him even more miserable because he won't use patches or get an NHS help pack. Sorry to ramble on but I don't feel I can tell anyone about this. I am hoping he will engage in some therapy and will carefully and tactfully suggest that...wish me luck. I have always been an happy, easy going person , who lately feels like a terrible, nagging, critical harridan of a wife. Reading it back I think I sound reasonable. I don't know. I am beginning to lose confidence and like myself less because of this.
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I'm in the same boat, my husband is almost impossible to deal with now. We have been married over 30 years. He seems to get worse as the years go by. It's so hard to cope, he just chases everyone he loves away.
January 7, 2015 - 4:32amThis Comment
There is an online forum at www.OCPD.freeforums.org This has been a big help to me as I explore my husband's OCPD. You will find all types of people there dealing with partners, parents, boy and girlfriends etc. Some choose to stay and some choose to pursue a life on their own but the information is helpful because you know you are not alone and not crazy!
July 16, 2010 - 11:33amThis Comment
I know my mother in law has it, I can't even speak of that - it'll upset me to much and then I'll go to far talking about it. But I would think in my minimal experience dealing with it, yes it is super super hard. I'm no expert at this subject though I would LOVE to learn more about it. All I can think to tell you is pray, pray, pray. See a therapist, they can prescribe you medication and more resources on dealing with this subject.
February 8, 2010 - 10:40amThis Comment
Linda,
Welcome to EmpowHER, and thank you so much for writing.
Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder has a lot of different aspects to it. The best news I read in your question is that you want to help him and he wants to quit being the way he is. There's a lot of help available if the two of you will accept it.
I say the two of you because you have been so affected by his behavior over the years too. Have you seen a counselor or therapist just for you? Especially now, with the OCPD possibility? You need to understand your feelings, emotions and boundaries so you can stand up for yourself when he is angry or acting out. And he needs to find help too, in the form of therapy and/or medication. Might he be willing to do that?
Here's a good definition of OCPD:
http://www.thehealthcenter.info/adult-ocd/ocpd.htm
and a list of symptoms from the National Institutes of Health:
•Perfectionism
•Inflexibility
•Preoccupations with details, rules and lists
•Reluctance to allow others to do things
•Excessive devotions to work
•Lack of generosity
•Inability to throw things away even if there is not value in the object
And here is a self-assessment. Of course it's not a diagnosis, but it's an interesting exercise:
http://www.personalityone.com/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder.html
The good news? There are a lot of good qualities associated with OCPD people. I'm sure you can name several strengths associated with your husband's personality. It's only when the need to be perfect takes over to such an extent that living life can actually become miserable (both for the person and/or for the people around the person) that we tend to see it as a disorder.
If your husband is hesitant to get therapy, perhaps a book would help. There are several good ones listed here:
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=perfectionism
Does any of this information help?
January 5, 2010 - 10:17amThis Comment