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I am 32 with 2 small boys, 5 and 14 mos. I have been with my married for 8 yrs and we have been together for over 16 yrs. We have been having some problems for the past year or so because of some text messages I found in his phone. That happened when I was 7 mos pregnant. I thought we were working through stuff. He begged me not to leave him and to fight for our marriage so I didn't leave and I fought. About 6 months ago he started having issues at work. I noticed that is was starting to affect home as well. The last 2 times we tried to have sex which was about 6 months ago he could not keep an erection. So of course I began to think that something might be going on and began checking his phone and asking questions everytime he left the house. Well he has told me know that because of all that he felt like I wasn't trying to fix things and that he just basically shut down and was done. We have been basically living like roommates the last 6 months no intimacy very little alone time or affection. He is still sleeping in my bed though. Anyway, today he told me that he just really felt like he wasn't here emotionally or physically and just didn't think that there was anything left as far a feelings for me. But that he would always care for me and love me. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he was like well i guess we need to think about it but then would say I haven't really made up my mind yet. I don't know what to do. I am in counseling. Trying to change and make things better. I know I haven't been perfect, but I never thought that we would be going through this.
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Alone2010,
I'm very proud of you for taking steps to figure out exactly where you are, mentally, legally and financially. All of that information will help you figure out exactly what you want to do next.
I'm glad your husband is such a good father, and very sad that he has changed so much. And yes, there are always two sides of the coin. Most marriages have rough patches here and there, but it is the behavior DURING the rough patch that matters. Does a person stay in there, working on it, or do they quit emotionally? It sounds like this is what your husband did, at least at one time, and that he can't see the big picture anymore.
Do you believe he has cheated on you sexually? That there has been actual infidelity?
Do you think he will come to counseling with you again?
I hear you when you say that "Reality is starting to set in that I will have to make a decision at some point." True, true. It's uncomfortable and it's frightening and it's not something we ever want to do, but when it's best for us, we have to do it.
I'm so glad you're in counseling, for YOU. With some time and work, you will know what direction is right for you and your boys. Keep looking out for yourself and your children and you'll make all the right decisions.
March 23, 2010 - 9:39amThis Comment
Well to make it all even worse I found a secret phone this weekend that I have no idea who is paying for and how long he has had it. I found pictures and messages from several different people but most importantly I found out that he has still been comminicating with the same girl from last year. Now he says that he thinks he has feelings for her and that just doesn't want to do this anymore. First he told me sex then he said no sex that he only said that to get me to finally say okay lets file. I don't know what to believe. I asked himif he really thought that he wanted a life with her and he said I don't know and if he really thought that there was no way to fix our problems and that there was nothing left and he said I don't know. So have convinced him to go to counseling today to try and discuss some stuff before we do anything. Am I stupid and weak for even thinking of doing this? Do you really think that he could or would be honest with me again? This is not the man I married or that person that I fell in love with. I know I have said and done things and they haven't been great. But I know he is a good person inside and that we were good together once. And I think we could be good together again.
March 22, 2010 - 8:19amThis Comment
Alone,
No. You are not stupid or weak for trying to save a marriage with the father of your two young sons. But I don't have to tell you that this simply doesn't look good.
I'm so very glad that you are going to counseling together today. Clearly there is stuff that needs to be out on the table and it helps to have a third party in the room. Do yourself a favor and let the counselor be the one to engage your husband in conversation and to try to bring out the details. The counselor is trained to talk to people in all kinds of situations and you don't want your husband to feel like he is being ganged up on.
The secret phone with the numbers and the photographs of people he is keeping hidden from you tells me he has broken his vows emotionally, at least, if not physically as well. He is lying to you and deceiving you about his activities and possibly his whereabouts.
I don't think the question is whether he can be honest with you again. I think the question is this: Can you ever trust him again? Let's say he decides to go to counseling with you for a few months, gives up the secret phone (which should be mandatory) and tries to work out the issues in your marriage. How does that make you feel? Do you feel that he could be trustworthy?
I don't buy any of this "I don't know" stuff. I think that's his way of taking the easy way out. Of course he knows how he's feeling. He may not want to talk about it, but he knows what he's done -- to whatever degree -- is wrong.
The primary things you need to think about are (a) is this man a good father to these boys and (b) can I trust him again. If the answer to either question is no, then it is time to be strong, stand up for yourself and your children, and take some action that says This Is Not OK With Me.
He should be responding to you with maturity and remorse. Right now he's not even in the right zip code.
Be strong, alone2010. You can do it. Insist on counseling and know that the ball is in your court here, not his.
March 22, 2010 - 10:25amThis Comment
Hi Alone,
I am so sorry to hear about the issues you are having in your marriage. I don't think it is ever too late as long as both individuals are willing to try very hard to save a marriage or relationship. You said you were in counseling but is he also?
You said he is very distant and withdrawn. Do you suspect another relationship and/or drug or alcohol abuse? From my own experience, lack of intimacy in a relationship usually revolves around those two things.
I would give you advice on two things. First, if he is not in counseling with you, try to get him to go and talk to him about what he is really feeling about the relationship and what he intends to do. Second, try to prepare yourself that you may have to move on and learn to live on your own. Both of these things are scary, but we have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Things you two would have to talk about is child support, living arrangements and so forth. Leaving a spouse is not as easy as, let's move out. There are so many things that have to occur and trying to work things out together may certainly be easier. Try and talk to him about that sense as there are children involved in the relationship.
I think many relationships are turbulent after 7 to 8 years. You ask yourself questions and maybe you are unsure about where you ended up. This is common but many people get through it together. Can you two talk or has communication shut down also?
March 20, 2010 - 9:37amThis Comment