How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

I wrote on here awhile ago, but as an anonymous member. I'm the one that had been dating the same guy for four years. I'm still with him today. We finally had sex, but that was three months ago and that was the only time. I thought once we had sex for the first time I would no longer be afraid anymore, but I still am. It hurt me pretty bad and I'm afraid it's going to hurt really bad again. I get so upset with myself because I feel like a loser. I am so lucky that my boyfriend hasn't broken up with me yet, because any other guy would have. I have no idea how to get over this, but I really want to.

I have read through the posts again to see if advice has been given on how to insert objects into your vagina to enlarge it and/or help you will fear that having a penis inside will be painful or just to large to not cause pain.
And I have noticed that talking with girlfriends, sisters or mothers has not been mentioned either as something you have tried or should try to learn more about what intercourse is like for them.
When one is isolated, fear becomes the focus of your thoughts, you have no information to counter or help you with your fears, and the cycle repeats again and again... causing the fear to become larger.
Gathering courage is 1st step, knowing the fear of intercourse is hurting your marriage or relationship can help you muster the willpower to talk about your fear. Talk with a trusted female in your life. It may be embarrassing to talk about your fear and you may not know where to start or what to say... That's normal. Start by saying you wish to have a good sex life with your husband or boyfriend and you would like to talk about that. Then sit back and see what your friend, sister, aunt or mother says... You may be surprised. If they go right to fear, or sex is bad, a "duty", or painful... stop them right there and say that is not helpful... that you are looking for empathy, solutions and great ideas on how they can help you... not fear stories. Stay positive, and not frustrated if the first person is not helpful, there are women around you who can be helpful, just keep trying because this is important to your happiness and the happiness of your sexual partner. As you can see from so many posts here, you are not alone in having difficulty with pain, fears, or being sexually active.
Finding something to insert into your vagina...
There are many 'sex-sites' on the internet where you can find different products to place inside of you. These products are called 'dildos' and they come in a huge variety of sizes, materials, textures, and many have 'vibrators' inside them as well.
One site to try is Good Vibrations, it is a women-owned sex toy shop and a wide variety of products, books and videos. There are books and videos on how to have a good positive active sex life, maybe that is a good place to start, by reading or watching...
You will find dildos from the size of your little finger to sized that would scare a horse! Have fun with this exploration... don't be intimidated by the biggest ones you see... some are not realistic for almost all women!
Pick one of the smaller ones, and then perhaps the next size bigger than that... you can measure or estimate the size of something you can insert like your finger or tampon... and start there, working your way up to larger and larger ones until you have one that is slightly larger than your sex partners penis. Why bigger? Because opening up and becoming used to dildos in your vagina larger than a penis you expect to have 'in-there' will help with fear and gradually reducing pain if that is an issue for you.
Be sure to use lubricant on the dildo, and apply some on to the insides your small labia lips and inside your vagina... to help the dildo go in smoothly and without pain.
If you are trying this and still having a lot of pain, its time to go to your gynecologist and ask her for help... telling her what you have tried and how the pain comes for you. There may be a physical problem and she can help with that, or there may be an emotional or psychological issue and she can help by offering you referrals for therapists you can talk to...
Also, ask your husband or boyfriend to help with the dildo insertions... by having him help do this for you, you can relax and let him gently insert it (using lots of lube!) after kissing, loving, caressing and touching your genitals too...
Again, reading about this or watching an instructional - educational video from Good Vibrations is very helpful for you to become familiar with something that is scaring you or causing you pain now.
Please come back here with your success stories... your journey and what you did to help yourself will be very helpful for other women here.
And for the men too! They need education, understanding and help around this difficult issue!
Hugs and very best wishes,
Lori

I'm writing to share my problem with you, I got married few months ago and everytime my husband try to come close and go inside me I start to panic, scream and run away. I'm full of fear that something is going to happen to me as if I'm going to die from the insertion. I can't imagine his erect penis can go inside my tight vagina!!
I have also the following questions:
1- Can my GP or Gynocologist help me?
2- Is there anything can I put to numb my vagina so as to not to feel the insertion process?
Thank you.

Linda C.

Hi my girl friend never allows me to have sex with her...we r carrying on for 2yrs she just humps on me with her clothes on n then her undergarments gets wet ....what to do should I try it with some1 els as I wanna experience it ..as I have never had sex in ma life

All of the questions and suggestions are excellent and helpful.

However: There does come a time... when all of the outside advice is not helping you...

Is that you? Well... it's now time to gather-up all of your courage...and find a therapist to help you.

How?
There are several ways, pick the one you are most likely to follow...

-Ask a girlfriend if she knows a therapist, perhaps she's been seeing one and was afraid to tell you or anyone else!
It's good to share this 'news'.

-Ask your doctor for a referral

-Use the Internet- with your home town's name search for:

marriage and family therapy
sex therapy
behavioral health therapy

Try changing terms in your search from 'therapy' to:
'counseling' or 'counselor'.

Okay, now are sure to have many therapists to call. Afraid to pick up your cell?

It's time to ake action, because your fears can become paralyzingly...

To get "unstuck" take action: place your call, now.
Don't wait another minute! Call.

In the field of addiction recovery our slogan is:
"In-Action = Relapse"
"Action = Recovery"!

If an addict or alcoholic can find help for their recovery...
So can you!

Want to feel better, different, free? Take action.

Remember everyone has difficulties in life, and finding the solution to your problem will bring diginity, freedom, happiness, wholeness, and a strong loving sexual relationship for you and your husband or partner.

And please come back here to let us know what you tried, what was helpful, what worked, and of course the opposite too!

Others seeing your story will find their own courage, willingness, happiness and joy.

I've "walked the talk" of facing my fears.

Belive me, the only way that I'm finding my direction on the difficult and challenging journey that I'm on, is with the help of many expert, kind, understanding, non-judgmental, and caring therapists!

Girl! If I can learn to sew, believe me so can you!
Hugs, Lori

u give such a nice answeres i like it so much

Hi , I just wanted to know if there is any success stories with wives that have this issue fear of intercourse with thei r husbands. If anyone of them actually enjoy it now? And how long did it take them to overcome this issue?

I have the same problem with fear of sex and ive been married for 1 yr4 months and wanted to know is there any way u can go to a doctor that specializes in this area and you can have visits where they insert a penis object into u while you are put to sleep with what sugergons do when they have surgery? I know this may sound weird but this shows how despret i am and would like to know if such thing exists so atleast my vagina can get use to something going in there and when i actually do it , it wont be painful experience.