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ask: I am unsure whether my boyfriend still wants to be with me.

Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years now, I am 22 and he is 23, but he recently told me that he does not have the urge to get married. Now, I recognise that we are still both really young and we don't want to get married any time soon, but I feel like after 7 years he should at least know he wants to one day marry me.
He told me that he never thinks about marriage but he does want me to be that person, he just doesnt see it. He talked about how he wants to get his career on track first and that he feels he is not going anywhere in life and that he can't bring himself to tell me we'll get married soon. He doesnt want to make a promise that we will get married after he is successful because he is unsure when that will happen, and it would be unfair for me to wait around. Does this mean that he loves me but doesnt see us getting married ever or is it actually because he wants to get his life on track before he starts thinking about anything else?

He did say that he wants to stay with me if I dont mind waiting, but he also feels like we lost our passion. (sorry i'm all over the place but i'm trying to give you some background). We are both willing to do whatever it takes to try and work it out. And he keeps saying that he loves me and wants it to work and he wants to see me as his wife. I love this man SO much and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him already, he's just not ready to even consider that.

I'm extremely confused right now, I dont know if it is better to keep trying to make things better or if we should go on an indefinate break to "discover ourselves".
Please help!

**EDIT** I forgot to mention that we do not have sex very often. But when we do it is mindblowing! The catch is that he mentioned that he does not want to do it often becasue he feels like he is taking advantage of me. So I have no idea what that means.

Add a Comment6 Comments

help89

Hey ladies, I haven't been on here in a while but I just wanted to give you another update.

My boyfriend and I took some time apart and worked on ourselves. I'm back in school now and learnt to do things that I enjoy. And he got a "grown up" job and is on a steady path.
We are back together officially now after months of secretly dating. It was almost exciting keeping it away from our friends, I think that brought back a bit of the spark.
During our break I really learnt to be more independent and forced myself to do things for myself. When we started talking again it was as if I was a whole new person!
We are so happy together now and he is now the one that brings up our future together cause he feels that he can provide for us. It's like his confidence in himself has inspired him to be a better boyfriend and allows him to "want" to focus on us. In turn that makes me want to have my own life because I no longer think he's going to leave everytime I go out. My new found security makes him happy cause he has time to miss me. It's all an endless cycle!!! Only difference is that this time it is a good one.

It is great that it worked out for me and him. But I do want to take the the time to say that if we hadnt got back together, it would have all worked out in the end. Sure, it is still going to be hurtful and I cried everyday for months, but that didnt mean that I was going to do that forever. It would have gradually stopped and I would be able to live again, even though it still hurts. What I'm trying to say is, for all the ladies that are going through what I went though, if he doesn't come back, it's not the end of the world. Doing things you enjoy really does make you happy. Being independent is what brought him back, but if it didn't it would have been his loss!!

I love myself now, and that makes my boyfriend love me more.
Thank you ladies for all your support!!

October 18, 2011 - 1:43am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi, I am so glad that you have figured out what to do and feel good about it. Usually when something feels right, it usually is. We have been breaking up on and off because we fight often, mostly fights that I start. But we are both very immature and have not grown up together. Im really not sure as what to do. Hes only broken up with me twice and I have broken up with him most of the time. He broke up with me last time. I have spoken to him recently and with much talking and persuading, he actually agreed to see each other again. Im afraid it will be a waste of time because as it is he has not done much effort to talk to me and I only have the promise of me seeing him soon. Im really confused.

November 28, 2010 - 10:00pm
misvives HERWriter Guide

Hi help89,
Thank you for updating us on your situation. Please keep us updated on the progress of your relationship. We are always encouraging people to keep us updated as you may be very helpful for the next person.
Keep us updated.
Missie

November 27, 2010 - 10:43am
help89

hi,
Just wanted to give and update. I've talked A LOT during the past couple days and we both decided to take a break to think about just ourselves for now.
I was the one who suggested it and Ii actually feel pretty good about this situation. My boyfriend kept saying how much he loved me but he wishes that he could become something that he is proud of before he can focus on a relationship. We're going to be friends for now and stay this way until one of us is going to officially call it off.
I truly believe that neither one of us wants to break up and that we both are still in love, but this is a time that we are going to use to grow up and become something that is independent from the other.
We wont be seeing other people and if one of us decide to start dating again, we'll have to 'break up' before that can happen.
Alison, thank you so much for your advise. It's true, I could see the red flags too. I'm sure it is not because he doesnt love me and wants to actually focus on his career. But you are right, we should not be together at this time. It's possible that this is going to lead to a break up but I would like to think for now that we may have a chance to be together again.

I actually feel suprising like good about this. It's like everything will be ok and then it'll work out for the best. There is no denying that I am still sad that I dont get to see him all the time, or that I wish everything was perfect and we would just get married. But that's not realistic, and having time apart from each other could potentially be the thing that makes us stronger than ever!

I'll be back to keep everyone updated! thank you so much, it was nice to just know that someone actually read this.

Anonymous, I know it is hard right now. But you will pretty much wake up one day and know that for you to be happy, you have to do something about it. I'm not really sure why you two have been in an on and off relationship in the past year, but just think about why/how you two get back together, is he the one who calls the break up? It was really hard for me to realize this, but i now know that if i am not happy now and dont take action (whether it is to break up, a break or to try and work harder with my boyfriend), I wont be any happier in 15 or 20 years. Good luck, be strong and we're all here to listen if you need us to

November 26, 2010 - 9:24pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am going through this same thing, its so weird with a few minor differences. 6 yrs, on and off for the last year and he moved to a different state. Its really hard and I feel as if whenever I start to feel ok about us being apart, I start to panic and want to get back together.

November 26, 2010 - 4:02pm
Alison Beaver

It does not sound like your boyfriend is being very straightforward with you, so I wanted to let you know that some of my "red flags" came up after reading your story. Please know: I do not think he is intentionally keeping information from you, but he may not really know how to communicate his feelings with you...and these types of complex feelings may change, too. Relationships are tricky business, with hearts and minds and futures and careers all tangled up.

My red flags:
- Him not wanting to have sex with you, because he does not "want to take advantage of you". To me, that indicates he is trying to keep some emotional distance, because he does not know if you are his future wife, or his girlfriend that he knows he is keeping around because he doesn't know. To me...if he doesn't know now, after 7 years, I think that is the answer right there. Of course he doesn't want to break up with you-- he cares deeply for you --but if he is unsure if he wants to marry you in the future AND does not want to have sex with you now...those two pieces together tell me he is emotionally and physically distancing himself from you.

That does not make him a bad person, and it is no one's fault. It is up to you if you want to give him space, as he said he is figuring things out and doesn't know. If you are OK waiting an undefinable amount of time for a "maybe", that is a choice you can make. You can make it today or a year from now, and know that you have all the information in front of you to make the best decision for yourself.

2. My other red flag is that he is prioritizing his career and future, and not trying to work you into those equations, after being together for so long. What can you do? Decide and move toward your future that you dream of in regards to career, school, etc. I know it is difficult, but what are you excited about, regardless of anyone else? What do you enjoy doing, and start doing it.

Either way, you will be doing exactly what you need to do for yourself. Distance yourself physically and emotionally, but not out of spite or to say "see?! see?! I can play this hurtful game too!". Instead, grow in a direction toward something positive, that brings you energy, joy and an interesting future.

This space you give each other is in the best interests of the relationship. You do not want to be with someone, after 7 years, if they do not know if they want to be with you for another 7 years. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. If he doesn't know...none of us in "virtual land" will know, either. Space will allow BOTH of you to realize what is best for the relationship: space for the heart to grow fonder, of space to allow the realization that even more space might be needed.

I know it's hard, but you can just take baby steps to start focusing on a something just for you. What is your career path? Are you in school...what is your major?

November 25, 2010 - 2:39pm
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