Is my boyfriend being selfish?
My boyfriend has delayed ejaculation. I give him wonderful head, and he can't cum for at least 20 minutes, and never from anything but extremely fast, hard hand-jobs.. He has never cum from sexual intercourse. He always wants me to either blow him, or give him a hand job after sex until he cums, sometimes it takes an hour..! Is he wrong in making me do this? I want him to be happy, but he won't go see a doctor about his problem, and it's affecting our sex life. I just want to have a quickie sometimes, but that can never happen, cause it takes at least 20-30 minutes for him. I can cum in seconds, so that makes it even worse.. Please let me know what can be done, and also, how long is the average length of sexual intercourse? 10 minutes? 20 minutes? I wanna know!
Add A New Comment Report Abuse
Add A New Comment10 Comments
Here are my thoughts/information for you:
1. According to most human sexuality research, human intercourse is actually about 2 minutes, not including fore-play and other activities, but the actual penetration of penis-to-vagina is just a few minutes.
2. I am not sure if your boyfriend is being "selfish", but what I do know is he is "making you" do anything you don't want to do, or you do not feel happy, satisfied, pleasure and joy when being physically intimate with him...then it is time for a talk about what you DO want out of a healthy sexual relationship.
If you are able to have an orgasm in just minutes...most women would be astounded and want to know your secrets! I hope you feel empowered in your relationship that you can tell your boyfriend "no" that you do not feel like giving oral sex or anything else.
Are you interested in resources on how to have a healthy sexual relationship? I'm just curious about what you are wanting, because it seems as though you are wondering what is wrong with him and putting all the blame on him...when it does not sound like you two are doing or have the most basic and fundamental aspect that is required of a healthy sexual relationship: open, honest communication, mutual trust, respect and compromise.
Hi Alison,
I appreciate your thoughts and have def tried the open honesty thing, he knows how I feel, but doesn't seem to care, I guess the word would be.. I've told him I just want to have sex, and I'll do the foreplay thing.. but after sex just want to relax.. and not have to constantly give handy's.. but he always ends up trying to pressure me to do it.. ugh.
2 minutes is the average!? What? and the guy cums? That would be a miracle with what I'm working with.. 20 minutes minimum.. and again, not from sex. only manual stimulation. I don't mean to put all the blame on him, but I just feel like he wants what he wants, and screw me.. I just wish there was a cure, ya know.. We love each other, and I don't want this to be the end of things. I am open, and all, he isn't.. I think it was the way he was raised, he always says, some things are private.. Well.. some things need to get medical attention.. Any more advice with this additional info?
Thanx.
Hi, Anon. Thanks so much for giving us some more information.
This is a tough situation for you, I know. I'm glad you've been able to talk openly about it, but I'm sorry that yor boyfriend "doesn't seem to care." And that you "just feel like he wants what he wants, and screw me."
Do you think that he really feels that way? If so, Anon, I am not sure this relationship can survive. In order to work through a sexual issue like this, both people have to want to do it. Yes, some things ARE private, but "private" includes your sexual partner/life partner.
Something has to happen here. The way I see it, it's one of the following:
1. You adapt to this as a permanent way of life as long as you're with him, or
2. He agrees to work on the problem with you and possibly with a doctor, or
3. Things stay as they are, and the relationship slowly deteriorates because of it.
Like Alison, I can't know if your boyfriend is being "selfish." To me, selfish implies some sort of intention or deliberate choice. I think more likely is the fact that he doesn't know what to do and doesn't like the possibility of seeing a doctor or a counselor. And right now, he has everything he wants -- in other words, there's no actual reason for him to change. It seems like your feelings about this issue are not enough.
You didn't mention how old your boyfriend is. I'm wondering, since he's never been able to ejaculate from intercourse, how long this has been going on for him.
One possible issue is that the manual stimulation you give your boyfriend simulates masturbation. Web MD says that manual stimulation -- with its intensity, pressure and friction -- may actually be part of the culprit in a man not being able to have an orgasm in any other way:
"Michael A. Perelman, PhD, a sex and marital therapist in New York City, says he sometimes tries to get men with delayed orgasm to agree to a masturbation moratorium. This does more than stop the practices that may be contributing to the problem. It also allows a build-up of sexual desire, which provides "a mechanism for reducing the threshold of arousal necessary for orgasm," he says."
Here's that page:
http://men.webmd.com/guide/overcoming-ejaculation-problems
The Mayo Clinic's Q&A discusses some possible medical causes of delayed ejaculation:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/delayed-ejaculation/AN01299
But that page also says this:
"However, the most common causes of delayed ejaculation are psychological. These may stem from concerns about performance or cultural or religious taboos. Another psychological cause is conditioning resulting from certain masturbation patterns. For example, a man who is used to masturbating with a very fast motion may find it difficult to climax with the slower process of intercourse."
Here's the New York Times' Health Guide page on delayed ejaculation (which also says, like Alison said, that "Most men ejaculate within 2 to 4 minutes after onset of active thrusting in intercourse":
http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/delayed-ejaculation/over...
Is this information of any help to you? Do you think that it's possible that the manual stimulation is actually part of the ongoing problem?
Okay, more info. I have Genital Warts, and he has a bad back, and bad ankles, so not really the most limber guy around, he ofter complains he's in pain whilst banging me.. and we have to stop. The genital warts thing stinks cause I don't get any oral sex, and I'm so embarrassed at my warts I don't let him touch my vagina with his hands. I'm on Aldara, and get em burnt off, but they always come back, yay. I've only had sex with 11 people including my boyfriend of 2 yrs. and He and I are both 31. I've had genital warts for about 5 yrs. So..masturbation. I wish I could say that's def not the problem, but he proably is jerking off, and not telling me.. I have looked up all the stuff online about delayed ejaculation and asked him diresctly(i dont mince words.) and he denies it all, and acts like he has an incureable problem, he has never cum in a woman before..so he tells me..so.. It sounds like i have trust issues.. I know.. but I don't think he would let this ruin our relationship.. In regard to my above options, lol.. I think I'll go with 2, and if he doesnt end up going i'll end our relationship.
Anon,
Diane gave you excellent resources...and I think the last piece of the puzzle is from Dr. Klein, our medical expert, who discusses the communication, support and caring aspects of a relationship, with a sample script that you can use (of course, fill in your own words related to your situation; this post was about "non-existent sex").
The main premise of this post from Dr. Klein is:
"...you say, 'We both really love each other, but [he] refuses to [talk about sex, makes excuses, doesn't care about my needs, etc].' You know, people tell me all the time how much they love each other, and after 29 years as a marriage counselor and a sex therapist, I honestly don’t know what that means."
"I always figured that when people love each other that means that when somebody says, 'Honey, this is really important to me that you pay attention to this. You don’t have to do it my way, but it’s really important that you take my pain seriously,' I would assume that that’s the most important definition of love. But I see so many people that that’s not part of the definition for them, and your example is a good example of that." "..."So, I don’t know what it means that you love each other."
Following this is a script that you can use. I really hope this helps!
You can read the entire post (or listen to the audio) at:Dr. Klein: Non-existent Sex in Marriage; What Should I Do?