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By September 4, 2009 - 1:37pm
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My boyfriend stays here all the time, he eats and sleeps here.
He loves my cooking, but every time we go grocery shopping, he doesn`t offer to pay for anything, I feel embarrased to ask him for help.
I love cooking for him, but he even takes his lunch from the dinner the night before.
I don`t know if I`m making a big deal out of this or not, but I do feel uncomfortable talking to him about this.
This have been happening for the past month, I don`t know what to do!!

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EmpowHER Guest

I was in similar situation w/boyfriend of 5 months who stayed at my nice condo on water about 4x per week. He moved in w/parents at age 44 b/c said his father ill. From what I could tell, he wasn't that sick. He would take me out for nice dinners, but I was cooking, buying all groceries, dealing w/increase in housework, utilities & laundry. I felt bad b/c he was unemployed for almost 2 yrs & starting own business. Well, for an incredibly educated guy, he should have gotten employment in a split second especially w/all his bragging. In the end, I lost my marbles w/him & called him out on his mooching.
He was extremely offended & told me what I was telling him made NP sense. That my overhead couldn't be that much more & didn't I want him here? I broke up w/him when I found an ATM receipt with $38,000+ balance in his checking. Haven't heard from him since because he needs time to digest my hurtful comments. Also I caught him on Match.com three times. That isn't love. That's being a scumbag & user.

September 15, 2011 - 5:27pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have the very same problem these days with a slightly different 'twist' on the subject matter. I have been with my current boyfriend for 8 months now and since day one I have been 'the cook' in the relationship. I am also known amongst my friends and collegues to be a pretty good cook and do enjoy cooking. However, everyone who cooks also knows that cooking equals expense, so every time my boyfriend comes over it's an extra expense for me to dish up a decent dinner for him. (I mean, you cannot serve someone a slice of bread with butter on it when they come over to your place...) Anyhow, so every time he comes over to my place, which is usually around dinner time, I cook. He loves coming to my place which is pretty nice, with a big plazma TV, and nice furniture, etc. I never (2 times so far in 8 months!) stay over at his place - he lives rent-free in his grand parents' old house who passed away some time last year. I do not live rent-free, I work full-time just like him and also study for my postgraduate degree at the moment, and have added expenses like weekly physio because of a chronic neck injury, etc. I am deviating away from the core issue here but I want to 'set the scene' for my dilemma.
My boyfriend's idea od spending time with me is always coming over to my place. I do like seeing him, and I do like doing things with him in the comfort of my own home BUT this cooking business is starting to annoy me. He loves my food, he calls me the 'super-chef,' and I know he appreciates my cooking. HOWEVER, I'd love for him to take me out a bit more often, or take the burden of cooking off my shoulders and get a take-away from time to time, but I just cannot say it. I don't know what it is - it's like a fear of possibly finding out that the only reason why he wants to hang out with me is my cooking and hospitality. He does say he loves me and he has never loved a girl as much as he does love me, blah, blah, blah, but I cannot help but think that he is a bit cheap. Or a lot cheap..?!
Again, I do not cook every day, I cook maybe 2 times a week, but it's just a bit 'unbalanced' from a relationship point of view in that he never does this for me. He cannot cook but he could pay for a dinner, or buy a take-away, or somthing like that. I don't know, It's a problem and I hate the fact that I have to say it to him. As a person I am very generous, very sensitive towards others' feelings, a bit proud, too..to avoid cooking every time we see each other I would make up an excuse like: 'Can you see me a bit later tonight? I am going to grab a bite with a friend straight after work...' But I knwo that this behaviour of mine is only avoidance.
I am asking for some suggestions in terms of how to tactfully resolve this and influence the change in his behaviour? S.O.S.! :-)

~ Anonymus

February 5, 2011 - 4:14pm

Blue tree,

So happy that you took Susan's advice and talked to your boyfriend about this!! Good for you! I know it was a difficult thing to bring up and I just wanted to chime in and tell you that I'm proud of you for doing it.

Equal partners share things equally. As you live together, there may be other times when something doesn't feel right. When that happens, remember this time -- how you brought it up, and that it had a good ending -- and it'll give you strength in the future.

February 8, 2010 - 10:00am
HERWriter Guide

Thanks so much for your update and congrats on getting this sorted. Money is often the single issue that breaks couples up so having that talk with him might have saved the relationship.

I know it's a tricky subject to talk about so well done on taking the plunge and hurray for working though it!

February 6, 2010 - 5:33am
HERWriter Guide

Blue tree

Thanks for your question and welcome!

You're in a relationship with man...having sex and essentially living together and you are too embarrassed to ask him to pay for his own keep? Unless he is your child you don't have to buy him his food, cook for him or pay his way.

He may not even know that there's a problem - he may be used to getting everything for free or he may be a mooch - just too cheap to pay up.

Blue tree, if he is eating and sleeping there every night then he needs to pay half the rent and half the utilities and half the cost of food - and it might be nice if he cooked for once! Does he contribute anything at all?

I'm sure he is a nice guy (and you love him...etc!) but tell him that you're a little short this week and him paying for half would help you enormously. Tell him that he needs to stop living off you - embarrassment should not be a factor. He should have enough pride to want to provide for himself and not take from a woman.

You may be telling him something he doesn't even know. Some people wander through life a little clueless about these things! Once he knows, he may want to pay for half. But I suspect he's either cheap or just mooching from you and that needs to stop. If he has a job, then he needs to split all the bills and not live off you. If he does not have a job, he should be spending at least 40 hours a week looking for one. I would also advise you to stop all the cooking for him if he refuses to help out financially. If you are in a mature relationship with someone, you should not be embarrassed to talk to him about this and he should be mature enough to pay his fair share.

I know money-talk is always a bit hard to discuss but do not allow him to take advantage of you. I wish you the best and please update us!

September 4, 2009 - 1:46pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks so much, I did it and it worked!!
Now he`s paying 80 per cent of all the bills, including rent and utilities.

February 5, 2010 - 4:26pm
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