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My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me. Is there anything I can do?

By May 8, 2009 - 8:52am
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My boyfriend and i have been together for about three years now. For the first two and a half years we had sex very often, but in the past few months his sex drive seems to have almost disappeared. He says he's tired, and that his job is stressful, but I don't understand how he can be tired and stressed every single night. And it's starting to effect our relationship. I've been worried that it's me. I was off work for a year and gained a bit of weight, and I have been trying to lose it, but it not like it's going to happen overnight. Of course he says it's not me, but I still wonder. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me anymore.
Is there anything I can do?

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EmpowHER Guest

so i have the same problem and this is what i am going to tell my boyfriend tomorrow:

Ok listen boyfriend like really listen because what im about to say is really important to me and I want you to remember that I love you and we can work passed anything OK and that we are adults and that’s why we are able to talk about this like adults. So here it goes…….. you know how our sex life has been lacking lately?……well we need to fix this because I cant handle it anymore….now listen to me closely because I want to make sure I say this the right way because if I do it wrong it could make the situation worse,,,, because guys are just weird in that way. I am not getting enough sex and we need to fix that OK and the way we do that is to find out why im not getting enough or why I want it too much!!! So I will let you know why I want it so much and then you can let me know why you don’t want it ok so here it goes


You don’t cuddle me
You don’t kiss me
You don’t want to spend time with me (and you being on the computer with me in the same room as me, doesn’t count)
You don’t want to go out with me
You don’t tell me I’m pretty

All of these are reasons why I want to have sex so much, it’s because that’s all we do together and if you were to fuck me once a day then I would be ok with the other things you are lacking. So when I don’t get it I feel like there is no relationship.

So here are


It could be stress
It could be that you are cheating
It could be that you are not attracted to me anymore
It could be your age
It could be lack of hormones
It could be that you jack of to much
It could be that you don’t think you can satisfy me

Or it could be a few of these things

So what do you think it is…..

Where I come from, it is my duty to cook, clean, work, and take care of you and Dante. But in return it is your duty to satisfy me in bed. For fuck sake’s it’s not like pulling teeth, it is SEX, you should want it more then me, you’re a man.

If I were to stop doing my duties as a woman for any of the reason I gave you, then you would leave me. So lets get to the bottom of this and fix it OK.

September 3, 2010 - 10:00pm
EmpowHER Guest

my boyfriend and i are going though the same thing he has had a really high sex drive since forever and the past 2months he has been havin sex with me because i want it. i am not ugly blonde hair green eyes big boobs slim. i am pregnant at the moment with our second child and hormonal changes have made so much difference to my sex drive so it matches his before all this happened. we have sex every night still as we have for 2 years but his hearts not in it anymore like hes doing it just to keep on my good side. i try do everything for him sexually anything he asks we do. we both orgasm twice every night but instead of havin proper sex its more like oral until we both cum then normal missionary until we both cum. when i try get it again because i am unsatisfied he says hes too tired and falls straight to sleep. i dont know what to do i think the hormones are making me feel like he is getting elsewhere. everytime i try talk to him he just says he does want it just not as much as before. we have talked a lot about this subject and its really getting to me now. we dont even sit and cuddle anymore i dont know how to change this and he seems like he doesnt want to. any help? x

August 5, 2010 - 7:40am
EmpowHER Guest

im going through kind of the same thing i have been with my boy friend for a year and a half and we just had our first child i gained alot of weight w the pregnancy, but he lost complete interest in me when i was preg i tried to have sex but he said it was weird bc i was pregnant, then i had the baby and he still didnt want to because he didnt want to use condoms he told me once i got on my birth control things wuld change, they didnt he still dnt want to have sex and wen we would have sex he would just lay there or want a blow job, i would offer diff things buy he advised he is comfortable and dnt want to really do much, it got to the point i was begging and ending up crying, he has not touched me down there for over a year and dnt want to even touch my boobs basically he wants to get off and be done, i told him i have needs to. then recently i sat down w him to tlk about it, he said its bc i have gained weight and there is times ill eat things i shouldnt, he said im not confident anymore, but he still loves me! got any suggestions? i dnt think this is love, when you love some one you love them for them not just wat they look like/

June 1, 2010 - 8:02am
(reply to Anonymous)


I found your question on another thread and answered it there:


June 2, 2010 - 8:59am

It turns out that he was seeing quite a few other women and i didn't know about it. I found out because i contacted one of them on a suspicion. It wasn't just the lack of sex that was the problem, it was just the last thing to go, he hadn't been paying attention to me for a while, and now i understand why.

March 16, 2010 - 10:49am
EmpowHER Guest

Thank you for your question Billie. I understand your frustration. Is your diagnosis of MS new? If you had your diagnosis for the past three years, I doubt it would be effecting your relationship now.

The above post is very important to understand. I think that spontaneity is pretty important in a relationship to keep the spark alive and this may be a great idea to try and distance yourself so he misses you. Mystery is simple but as stated above, so important. Do you both live together?

March 14, 2010 - 8:56am

I really don't know what to think except its very stressful to me !! You feel like it's you that he's not attractive to anymore. I've got all these reasons why he maybe doesn't want to have sex anymore but all it does is hurts my feelings and frustrates me to no end!! I have also been with this guy almost three years. I love him to death but sex is not that big of a deal but it could be I have Multiple Schlerosis and I'm just the opposite not having sex is not a option with me. Please any input I would appreciate!!

March 14, 2010 - 7:16am
EmpowHER Guest

I am going through a bit of the same problem. Except my boyfriend keeps telling me he doesn't want to have sex because it makes him really really tired afterwards where he just wants to sleep. And he hates that sleepyness, as do I. So I feel as with me it's more of a medical problem, but it still makes me feel insecure because I feel like he doesn't even want to make love to me. We've been fighting about it and I don't like it at all.

But anyway, I've been researching this all on the internet at it seems that the lack of sex from guys does sort of comes from the lack of mystery. And too much time together too, I feel, might be the problem. When you're with someone all of the time that sense of wanting sex attraction kind of goes. Of course they still think that you're sexy and hot, but to actually feel aroused by it might be a different thing. It's kind of like people just getting used to things. As the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I don't know how much time you guys spend together, but I suggest for all those women who do spend most of their time with their loving man, that you should seek some quiet or even fun time by yourself while letting your man indulge in his own time. Then when it's time to meet again, dress up super sexy, but don't tell him you want sex! I guess my guess is to just try and reenact that feeling of when you first met your lover.

December 24, 2009 - 2:37pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Ahh I love this advise. What you say here is profound and could not be more relevant to the discussion. Brain science reveals that there is a part of your brain which actively tries to anticipate what your partner is going to say and do. There is a direct correlation to predictability and disinterest. That is why mystery is so powerful. If you dont know everything about your partner you will want to know more about them. It keeps your mind engaged. If you've spent every waking hour for the last 6 months with a person then you lose all of that interest and it becomes easy for your mind to dismiss them and move on to trying to figure out other mysteries. So like you say having seperate lives and coming together at the end of your day to share what happened can create a lot of interest and fun for both of you. Then what happens is you get to live an extra life through your partner as they share what's been going on in their life.

As a matter of fact, an excellent example is this post its self. You dont know why your partner has lost interest in sex and now you want to know! I bet that even if he could be compelled to have sex and you managed to come every time, you would still deeply desire to know why he did not want to have sex anymore. It's all about that mystery.

Thanks again for reminding us about the power of mystery, and good luck to you anon and you too duckylurv :)

January 20, 2010 - 9:34am
HERWriter Guide


Thanks for your question!

I'm sorry you are having difficulties in this area; I'm curious - are you having sex at all, or has the frequency decreased?

The first three years of a relationship often see the most sexual activity. After than it tends to be slightly less frequent, although some people are hot and heavy for life!

Your boyfriend may be feeling he is in a bit of a relationship slump. He may not be feeling the same way about you and is afraid to face it, or he may genuinely be facing such stress that his sex drive is really affected. This happens to people a lot; stress and fatigue are often to blame for loss of libido. So is depression - do you think he may be depressed?

Congrats on working to get fitter and healthier but I don't think some extra weight is the issue.

What else is going on besides no sex? Are you still cuddling, holding hands, chatting together and hanging out? Is everything in your relationship still the same, besides the issue with sex? Or have you noticed changes elsewhere, too?

May 15, 2009 - 12:59pm
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