ask: My boyfriend never orgasms with me and can't stay hard...

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question and welcome to Empowher!

There could be many reasons for your boyfriend's impotence. Only he really knows -and maybe even then, he doesn't! Maybe he is confused or scared about what's happening and doesn't know how to talk about it.

He could be gay, no matter what you think or what he says! If up to one in ten of us are gay, then it's certainly a possibility. Gay men are in heterosexual relationships all the time and they too, say they are in love with these women and it's not true - not from a romantic sense, anyway. Unfortunately, and still in this day and age, being gay is taboo in many communities.

He could love you, but not be sexually attracted to you and doesn't know how to tell you. Men can fake it (not in the sexual sense) , just like women! I know this isn't something you want to hear, but it may be the case.

He may also have a sexual problem like impotence that may need to be seen by a health care professional. Even young men can suffer from erectile dysfunction. I know it's a difficult subject for many to broach - but you can only 'help' so much. He is going to have to take the steps to find out why he is unable to preform sexually with you. Or he may have an underlying health problem (that is not sexual) that is causing this.

Do you think he would see a doctor about this? Is he open to this?

Yeah, he's willing to talk about everything with me. He's extremely open with me, and I really can't believe that he is gay because I know him so well! There is no way he could lie so much to me.. and he's 32 years old and hasn't had a girlfriend for years. He only just started dating again for the first time in years because he was in a really bad relationship... Maybe because he hasn't done it in so long that's why.. I'm just not really sure. He said he's willing to do whatever it takes to fix this problem, he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me! I truly don't believe he's gay.. Do you think maybe he needs viagra or something?

Certainly seeking a physicians' opinion would be beneficial. There may be an underlying reason behind his impotence. Have you sought a professional opinion?

If he is open to you about the situation, your in better shape then you know. It is harder dealing with men that don't want to talk about it. There is always that dreaded, “I don't want to talk about it”.

I think in this situation, seeking professional help will help elevate the problem and doing this together may make your relationship better since you can be there for him. It may be embarrassing for him. Please keep us updated on the results. We would love to hear from you again.

Ok, thanks for your help! If anyone wants to comment further, you're welcome to!

Hi there, just thought I would bring you a male perspective of someone who has personally gone through this and is now much better.
Firstly in all likely hood, he is NOT gay. If he is in a relationship with you its because he is attracted to you on multiple levels. Theres is many causes for this sort of problem with men and a lot of men experience it at one point or another. It can be caused by a bad relationship (this was when it started happening for me), I had a woman who played mind games with me / cheated, and destroyed any self esteem I had. This made me feel anxious whenever I had sex. Everytime i had sex for several years after this relationship I would be worried about the fact that I may not be good enough (which makes me loose my excitement and anticipation). the moment a man has the thought "oh no im going to loose it" meaning his erection even if he hasnt yet lost it, he WILL lose it. other causes can be related to weight and general self-consciousness. the best thing you can do to help him overcome this is to not make a big deal about it. have fun when you make love but dont make fun of the situation or him (this will make it much worse the next time you try). If he has any fantasies that youve talked about and you wouldnt mind doing perhaps playing those out will help maintain his mood regardless of worries. also you can reassure him of how good he is and how good he feels, this will make him feel more powerful and confident. assuming he does ofcourse, he will know if you lie or make something up and that could be devastating. so in summary, try not to talk about his problem as it will only make him more focused on it in future attempts (let him think of solutions without you bringing them to him, with the exception of fantisies). Reassure him often, and if he still feels very insecure you could always take him to the gym making sure to mention that theres nothing wrong with his body but perhaps you both could exercise togeather. exercise makes men feel strong after they have pushed past the point of exhaustion, it releases chemicals in our brains that make us feel happier and thus less worried. also if his arms and chest grows and his stomach shrinks (long term obviously) he will feel much more confident.

If he loves you and gets turned on by you initially then he's not gay. A gay man wouldn't be turned on by a woman or be romantically attached.

For some people sex is just a complicated thing.

The above comment was very insightful. I'd just like to add to it that depression can be a major cause of impotence. If your boyfriend feels anyway depressed it can have a major impact on sexual performance. If he does maybe he should seek some professional help.

Other than that all I can recommend is for you to be patient and not focus on it too much. Let him get comfortable and feel that there is no pressure for him to perform or satisfy you.

He should also make sure he does enough exercises and possibly a discipline such as yoga or meditation where he can train himself to be more relaxed and not hung up on a negative self image of himself or be worried about satisfying you.

I am not a doctor, nor can I give you any advice, but I am experiencing a similar issue, but not as bad. During sex my boyfriend also doesn't stay hard, but the difference is, he still wants sex and if I haven't come yet he will try to make himself hard again. I don't know why he doesn't stay up. He is also attracted to me and sometimes really wants sex but isn't hard which is weird and other times he wants sex and is hard. I actually asked about this in another posting and whomever responded stated that it is natural for a man not to stay up, that each man's erection is different and it comes and goes. I just know that I didn't have this problem with my previous boyfriend, although he wasn't the greatest lover. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

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