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Partner has been surfing gay websites, and doesn't want sex anymore

By September 20, 2010 - 10:34am
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I know exactly what you are thinking from the subject - its a no brainer! We are 26 (me) and 27, when we got together it was a total sex fest - I was getting woken up in the middle of the night! The rate of sex dropped off after maybe 6 months - which is pretty normal I suppose, but it quickly became so infrequent that I began to wonder...

A few months ago I found out that he had been sufing some gay cruising site and talking to guys in the local area, on further investgation I found out that he had taken advantage of a 'snow day' around xmas last year to meet up with a couple of them, but he swears no full sex was involved and there was just some fumbling - which I believe. His explanation for this little 'indiscresion' was that he wants to experiment before he gets to 30, and he was feeling wierd about getting his first proper job and us moving in together; which I am also ok with (just about).

The big problem is this - I now cannot remember the last time we had sex, I really don't know when it was! However his sex drive hasn't gone, he just expects me to make him come every night and then rolls over and go to sleep. I have tried teasing him, talking to him, refusing to play and nothing works. I love him deeply, we were friends for a ling time before we were a couple, I can't bear the thought of ditching him, but can't help feel like I am being used.

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Hi fairyjones,
I got a flashback when I read your post. I was married before. I was 27, and he was 26. We seemed to get along great, never fought, and had a decent sex life. Shortly after he graduated from college, when we had been married for 1.5 years, he got a bug in his cap and decided to go to Las Vegas with a long time male friend. They took a video camera; I was forbidden to see the tape when they got back. Shortly after that trip, things started to seriously fall apart. I found him on the internet a lot and going to strange sites that I didn't really know what he was up to. Some were "normal" porn, but I believe some may have been gay too. He would jump like a scared cat when I came into the room, and sometimes yelled at me. He often would not sleep with me, getting up in the middle of the night and switching beds. He told me once of a time he went out with friends from work, and somehow the night turned into a few of them considering a 2 guy-1 girl threesome. He didn't finish the story, but I now assume he did it, by his omission. I often suspected he may have been gay or bi-sexual.
Well, long story short, I decided to get marital counseling. He didn't want to go, and only went to one session. The counselor met with him alone, and after that, the counselor said I needed to move on. I've always wondered what he said to her to make her be so severe toward me. Shortly after that, my husband one day walked up to me and said he didn't want to be married any more. He didn't love me and thought perhaps he never did. (yeah, that cruel.) It was a type of emotional abuse he put me through, even though he was the one who often went through bouts of depression, never agreeing to get help, even though I urged him countless times.
I agree with what Susan said completely. You are just dating, you are not married. Take the messages you're receiving, make a decision for yourself, and stick to it.
Regardless if your suspicions (and mine) are correct, you deserve to be completely happy. I would think to myself, "there's got to be something better than this out there." I guarantee there is. It's a learning experience, and know you did nothing wrong. Take time for yourself, and when you're ready, the next and better thing will be there.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

September 20, 2010 - 12:20pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi fairyjones

Thanks for your post and for finding EmpowHER!

I'm sorry you're going through this in your relationship - it can't be easy. I think most women in these circumstances know the answers to their questions themselves - but perhaps need to hear what another person thinks.

It's clear your boyfriend is either gay or bisexual. It's up to you to choose to leave or stay in a relationship like this.

The fact that he does this behind your back is of concern. I'm not sure I like the cutsey "took advantage of a snow day" and "just fumbled around"...kind of thinking. That's not cute, it's cheating.

I'm not sure what a "fumble" is but I would assume it's oral sex at the least or acts that lead up to penetrative sex. You'll never know what really happened but if you choose to believe that nothing much went on, that is your right.

I wanted to bungee jump before I was 30 (I didn't make it, I was 31!) but having a homosexual experience is not on many people's 'bucket list' unless they are gay, bisexual or very interested in looking into this for a way of life. I'm sure you're open to the possibility that he is continuing to meet men this way and is using you to provide him hand or oral relief when he cannot be with someone else. Again, it's up to you if you want to function as a hand to pleasure him while receiving nothing back. But I can tell you are indeed feeling used because that's exactly what's going on - you (meaning your hand or mouth) are a sexual alternative when he cannot have the real thing. There's no dignity in this and no respect for you as a woman or human being.

I'm not sure why you remain in this situation if what you want is a real relationship. You must be getting something out of it whether it's his company or help with the bills or clinging to the hope that things will change.

I don't think he will ever change and if he is gay or bisexual, there is no need for him to change. It's his life and he is free and entitled to live it as he chooses. But you have to look out for you and decide whether this is the life YOU'RE ok with. You have to weigh the risks of disease, of eventual abandonment and of not having the relationship you are also entitled to, by being with him.

You can still be friends but as far as a romantic relationship goes - I think the door has been closed on that one.

Both he and you deserve happiness but YOU are in charge of you. Make your own choices now and don't sit and wait for his choices to influence (or make) yours. You have a life too and it's up to you what to make of it.

Have a think about it and let me know how you feel.

I wish you the very best,

September 20, 2010 - 11:31am
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