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Picture ruining the relationship.

By November 25, 2010 - 4:39pm
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Lately, the relationship between me and my boyfriend has gone through a very rough patch but I now think we are on the end, however, I still feel sad, different and unloved. It all kicked off when I found a photo of Hayley Williams topless on his laptop, saved in a secret file, back in September. It hurt me unbelievably, but he promised me that his mate Paul had saved it on his computer. The other night, we discussed it again and he finally admitted that he had saved it after he had got home from Paul's house that night, after A LOT of different lies and stories. Straight away, I wanted to break up with him, as I never thought he would do something like that. He has always said he'd never do something like that but he said he did it because he was curious and wanted to see her boobs as she was a well-known famous person, but how could he be curious when his friend Paul had already showed him the image a couple of times before my boyfriend Will actually went home, searched for it himself, and saved it in a secret file. On Monday, we cried all day and he begged me not to leave him. We parted both agreeing on some sort of 'break'. When I got home, he phoned me and he was a totally different person. He said he was not sorry and that he was just being a normal man and that he is not going to be walked over by me any longer, and that he only lied to protect my feelings because he knew how I would react. We are on the mend now, but he still isn't sorry for saving that image, even though it hurts me so bad, as it's just horrible to imagine my boyfriend looking at another woman's boobs and saving them, when he has pictures on his laptop of me! He says that he might do it again but I said I wouldn't like him to because it upsets me and he seems to think that is my problem because he still loves me, he just wants to look at other women's boobs. Some people don't mind this, but I do, and why should I change! I love him but the 'old Will' as he said it, cared about my feelings even if he did lie, this one just doesn't understand why I get upset. His mates have probably made him think this way as well, to be honest, which annoys me as I just feel like the pathetic one in all this, but I can't help my feelings? He also wants to start buying Nuts, Zoo and Front magazines and that just makes me sick. I feel like I don't even know him any more but I do want to be with him. I want a compromise but I have cried ever since I found out he saved that picture on his laptop, as he always told me he was never ever looking at any other woman in a sexual way, but what way was he looking at her then? If he had already seen the image before, it can't have been curiosity. I am still mad over what happened, but just scared of going off on one, in case I lose him, as he wanted it to be over the other day, but I talked him round. I am a genuinly nice girl with feelings and I don't want my boyfriend looking at other naked women! Is that such a crime and why should I accept it? I can't stop thinking about him saving that picture when he had good enough pictures of me at his fingers. He had mentioned it a few times in the past, and that his mate has a picture of her topless but I never thought Will was even bothered about looking or going to actually save a picture on his laptop! I can't talk to him about this over and over again because he doesn't understand. Please help. I never wanted my boyfriend to look at another woman's boobs and lie about it and now he has, and I just feel like so destroyed and he thinks that all this behaviour is okay and it just isn't! We haven't even been together a year yet. We should be loved up, not looking at other people naked! He said he was stoned at the time he saved the image. Why did he really save the image? And he has swore to me that he has never looked at porn since we were together and I do believe him but he keeps saying things like "What if did, would it bother you?" but then still says he hasn't and that he doesn't want to. What does he mean by that? Also, he read a 'Front' mag last night as we were both 'single' yesterday, but not really in my mind, and that makes me annoyed too. He said he looked at the boobs, flicked past them and that's it. I don't want this kind of attitude in our relationship. I am a Conservative person and he is trying to change me. He says I am trying to change him but surely his little urge to prove a point and look at boobs isn't really as important as my genuine feelings and beliefs? Why can't he just sacrifice it? Is it that important to him really? And why?

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Amazing advice. He did it once for a stupid reason, as he was just curious as it was a celebrity but if it happens again, there will be no second chances. Or will he do it again? He swore it was the once and always will be.

December 10, 2010 - 2:32pm
EmpowHER Guest

The other poster said "he is trying to change me and he says I am trying to change him." The truth is dear, you cannot change anyone but yourself and neither can he.

YOU have to decided what you can and cannot live with and accept. You cannot make him give up the pics but you can decided to let him have them and move on or you can say it isn't going to be a happy relationship with him doing this, and leave. He is not going to stop and the sooner you realize this, the better off you will be.

Can you be happy in a relationship where you always feel hurt, sad, and mad because you know he is looking at other womens naked breast? If you can stop your emotions and be happy, go for it. But, if you feel like it will always hurt and anger you, then there is going to be constant strife between the two of you. Is that love or happiness?

You are not too old to find happiness with a man that can love YOU and not a bunch of images found in a magazine or in a puter. These men are sick. they may seem perfectly wonderful in every other way but if they cannot stop looking at other womens breasts, something is wrong. ALL men DO NOT do this, regardless of what some say. Some men loves their partner and would honor any request that is reasonable, and yours certainly is, to make their woman happy and to live in peace and have a strong and healthy relationship in every way, including sex.

It is difficult I realize but only you can decide what you will put up with. Women out here are leaving these relationships because of this every day. No, it isn't easy and it hurts like hell to walk away from the man you love, but time will heal that also, and one day, when you find that man who will love and desire YOU, you will bo so glad you moved on. Please don't wait as many years as I did. I spent too many years being yelled at each time and ordered to stop crying because I was only doing it to myself by snooping.

December 10, 2010 - 2:10pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Great advice again, Anon.

Personally, if my husband sees a naked woman in a movie or on TV etc, I really don't care! The media is rampant with sexual images and this doesn't mean to say that men are victims of marketing here but it's a kind of nudity that doesn't bother me. Of course, stashing away pics and porn is a whole other story! That's when everything stops.

I think we're a bit obsessed with changing each other when we have no right to do that, firstly, and we'd hate if someone tried that to us, right? Some women enjoy porn or these kinds of images but many don't. Commonality is everything!

As you say, Anon, the world is a huge place and there is someone for everyone. We just need to admit the one we're with is not the right one for us. Not all men obsess over other women or breasts etc. There are many who are willing to focus on their partner and leave the rest to others.

I hope everyone can learn from your words of wisdom! Life happens in a flash and no-one should have to grow old, wishing to the stars that they had just done what's right for them, instead of trying to change others into being something they are not.

Thanks again!


December 12, 2010 - 12:54pm

Since the whole picture thing has happened with me and my boyfriend, things have gone downhill and I just feel like I am chasing him now and he just doesn't care any more. It's hurting me badly as he used to think the world of me. He says he was just a controlled mug. I do not deserve things like that though and if I did see another pic, that would be it. I've told him it upsets me when he reads lads' mags at his mates' but he won't stop as he said he's not looking at the models.

December 10, 2010 - 1:43pm
EmpowHER Guest

Thank you Susan.
For the sake of other women who are living with sex addicts or just men addicted to looking at naked women, I want to share some of the list of folders I have found containing pictures, over the years.

Where to order Redwing work boots
How to order firetruck equipment
Parts for restoring old cars
Everything about wine presses

I never found parts, boots or wine pressers in any of the folders, only naked women.

An addicted man, or woman, I suppose, will stop at no lengths to keep their nuddies, and keep you from finding them. If you suspect your husband has them but cannot find them, just check out his favorites link and open each and every link no matter what it is named and if he is a closet perp, you will find what you are looking for.

God this is so hard, I love the man so much. He has many fine qualities. He always treated me so good and loving in every other aspect of our marriage, there was nothing he wouldn't do for me if he could. Never yelled at me or called me a name but the minute he realized I had found a new picture, he would go completely insane, calling me horrible name, threatening me, telling me I was no good. There were times he even accused me of putting those pictures on his computer so I could blame him. What kind of wife who loves her husband and just wants to be happy in their marriage, would do something so hurtful and cause such pain for both of them? I hurt so bad that I have to keep picturing those woman just to keep myself from going back to him, Oh, god, how I wanted to believe him.

December 10, 2010 - 1:15pm
EmpowHER Guest

Oh my god, anonymous, your comments could be from me! There are age factors that differ however. My husband is 71 and I am in my late 60's, married 38 years and he still wants sex several times a week. That is where the differences end.

Same as your husband, mine has hidden it then sworn he thought he destroyed it all. He has put it in different folders and swore he forgot they were there. He has had them in his email, opened, and swore he didn't open them yet he is the only one who has access to his computer.

And you mentioned rage, oh yes, there have been times he has gone completely off the deep end when I have found his ladies, and I use the term ladies vvery lightly.

These men apparently are not smart enough to know if they were innocent or if they understood how much they have hurt us and really want us to believe them, they would instead comfort us and reassure us that it really is not something they knew about, but the rage is a very good indication they have been caught again and they are about to lose even more of our trust.

I have already files for divorce because I cannot live with not knowing if every time he touches me, it is with visions of these women in his mind. It has nearly destroyed me, my self confidence, my mind. I had to get out.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If like me, you have wanted very deeply to believe his lies. I've turned myself inside out trying to believe that all of these were no more than coincidences that he was not responsible for, but after so many times, you just know. I mean, how many times have you turned your computer on and found such crap? None right? Because you didn't put it there. And then there is the sex, he prefered sex over lovemaking too and yes, the porn talk, he used to use it too and it literally made me want to jump out of bed and puke. Towards the end, I got to the point of tensing up when he even came near me. It was not fair to him so I needed to let him go. There are women out there, whores, who would love to join in the fun and games with him and I do sincerely hope he finds one, but it is not going to be me.

I put up with this all of these years because I believed he would eventually get old enough that he wouldn't be interested in sex, but at 71 and still viewing and wanting sex several times a week? No, he is sick and I just cannot go on any longer. I hurt for him, but not enough that I could have stayed one day longer.

December 10, 2010 - 12:35pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Wow, Anon, what a powerful story.

Wanting sex several times at his (and your age) is fantastic but not if it's just porno type sex with no affection or love involved and certainly not if it's just mimicking online porn and the women involved in it too. You may as well be blow-up dolls with no souls.

I'm glad you have taken the plunge and live for you, not him. No-one should need to be in the kind of relationship you have been in.

I wish you the very best and thank you for your words of wisdom, I think they'll help many readers.

I hope you find a new life for yourself, whether as a happily single woman or with a new partner. You have earned it.


December 10, 2010 - 12:43pm

That above comment was from me.

December 10, 2010 - 12:05pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband always has some naked ladies on his computer, either saved in files or in email. He has even hidden them in files under less suspecious names so I won't find them. When I find them, it is always the same story, he didn't know they were there. When I pull them up and show him, he flies into a rage; I don't trust him, or I don't beliefe him that he didn't know they were there. It always comes back that I am hurt and sad because it's my fault, not his, "if I didn't snoop, I wouldn't be hurt." That was a final straw for me. Then he tells me, if I can't trust him then we have no relationship. How do I trust a man that has this stuff there off and continually, yet swears he doesnt know?

We've been married about nineteen years and I cannot have sex with him any longer. Just the thought of him viewing naked women and then using me to get satisfied just makes me physically sick.

I have always wanted lovemaking in our relationship but for him it's always been sex, always wants oral sex then intercourse. No kissing or holding, just porn type sex and its over. He also uses porn language with me during our sex and it is such a turn off I cannot take it anymore.

I love him with all of my heart and I seriously think I could take physical abuse over his sick addiction to naked women.

I know there are those who think men will be men, but when a wife tells her husband that he is hurting her and that she is seriously considering getting a divorce and he still won't quit? That tells me that he cannot give up it up or it is more important to him than losign me. I'm going to file for a divorce.
Sleepless in Seattle

December 10, 2010 - 11:38am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

If he won't stop for you, you need to stop being in the marriage and save yourself. I'm not married. The picture thing has only happened once and we are on the mend but never ever again.. He may need help but he needs to want that help. He can't just treat you like that. Be strong.

December 10, 2010 - 12:02pm
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