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pregnant and dont want to .........

By Anonymous January 20, 2011 - 9:41pm
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I dated a guy for 2yrs then come to find out that while we were separated for 9mths he got a girl pregnant, when we hooked back up he did not mentioned it to me not until after the baby was 3mths old.He said that while we were dating he did not want a relationship, i was the one wanting it, REASON he claimhe was dealing with trust issues.the girl he had the baby with say they were in an open relationship for 8yrs that ended 3mths ago, he say he dont want her nor did he want the baby.Im pregnant by him and he want me to have an abortion, i dont want to have an abortion nor do I want to have a child with him.I have had an abortion in the pass it still drive me crazy.I need help please, what to do? Im 26yr have my own place, booming career, and about to start grad school.my parents are fond of him, my sister dont have a liking for him. Im too ashame and embarrassed to talk to my family.

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,
I completely understand your dilemma. I am 33 years old and career minded as well. From what I read above, I will make a clear assumption that you are a woman that is in control of her life. Having a child may not have been in your plans, BUT handling the situation at hand, will be difficult although, you will find a way to do it all....sort of like Super Woman syndrome.
You can still have your hopes and dreams come true to include a new baby in it. Don't be afraid of what if's.....and get the answers to your questions. Call the Human Resource Department at your new job and ask about maternity leave, plan and make the needed adjustments.
I really hope you keep in touch with us as we certainly can be a great resource for you. No matter what your decision is, there is no one to judge you and no one to tell you what to do.....do not be coerced into something that you do not agree with, only you can make YOUR decision.

Best of luck and cannot wait to hear from you again,

January 22, 2011 - 10:26am
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anonymous

Thanks for your question and for finding EmpowHER.

Firstly, you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Your boyfriend is a jerk who treats women like chattel. That's not your fault. Getting pregnant was a huge mistake but it's done now so we can't turn back the clock. I find it ironic that he claims to have "trust" issues (meaning he finds it hard to trust) when in fact, he is a liar himself and can't be trusted with anything!

You cannot be bullied into having an abortion and never let anyone try to do that. The word "choice" doesn't just mean to have an abortion. "Choice" also means the choice to have a baby.

I understand your dilemma. You don't want an abortion but you don't want a child with him. It's a traumatic position to be in because it's either one or the other. But there is also the option of adoption. You can offer your baby a fantastic like with people who will fill the baby with love and a lifetime of happiness. If you wish to keep in contract with the baby, some couples are ok with open-adoption meaning they will be the parents, legally and emotionally, but you will have access to occasional visits and sending cards etc. You can also do a closed adoption if you prefer.

Anon, you are 26 so no longer a child. A mistake has been made but you are not a bad person by any means. You are going to have to talk to your family about this but as I said, you're a grown woman now with your own home and career (and grad school - good for you!) - you can work this out no matter what, but your family's support is also very important.

I doubt your parents will like him so much when they realize he hid the fact that he had a baby with another woman, lied to you about it and now has you pregnant and is pressuring you to abort the baby. What parent would like a man like that?

You have many choices here, Anon. Do what is right for you and keeping your baby is also an option, of course. But it means that you'll have this man in your life forever unless he agrees to sign away his rights. If he doesn't want the child in the first place, he may be fine with that although men like him often fight for custody just to go head-to-head with their ex. If he is as bad a person as he seems, get him to sign away any rights as soon as possible. No child support is worth having someone like that in your life.

Decisions need to be made very soon, Anon. You will have to talk to your family about it all and keep your distance from this man. Please sit down with them this weekend (bring your sister for support) and inform them about what's going on. Remember that their input is important but the choice is yours and only yours; don't let anyone to make such an important decision for you.

Will you please let us know how the conversation goes? We're here for you every step for the way with support and guidance and I hope to hear back from you soon,

January 21, 2011 - 2:37pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks susan, I have neices and nephews that look up to me for guidance. my family have me on a pedalstool, its so much pressure. adoption is not an option i would consider. To some extend I can afford a child, it would also mean putting some plans on hold. my career as RN is progressing and it has has taken me to a new job jan 2011, that too im concerned about, will i be able to get maternity leave? Im constantly crying, I always want the husband before the child. how could i allow this to happen again?

January 21, 2011 - 8:15pm
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