Facebook Pixel
EmpowHER Guest

should I agree to marring my boyfriend who expects me get sole custody and move out of the state?

By Anonymous January 28, 2011 - 12:09pm
Rate This

My boyfriend and I are serious about getting married in the future and I am divorced with a 41/2 year old duaghter. Her father and have split custody and I have physical custody. Her father has liberal visitation. Her father causes a lot of drama in our lives and is a horible communicator and does pay child support regulary. My boyfriend wants me to fight for sole custody and move out of the state to Washington and then again to Colorado his home town. He says that he refuses to be controled by my ex. Is this too much for him to expect out of me? Custody battles and visitation issues dealing with out of state travel. Shouldn't I expect him to tell me know if he still want to be with me even if I fight for custody but cant get and the court dont allow me to move out of the state?

Add a Comment1 Comments

HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question and I'm sorry you're in such a tricky situation.

Firstly, and it may come off as harsh, but your situation with your ex and custody/payments etc are none of your boyfriend's business. I understand he doesn't want to be under your ex's control but to have a list of demands from you (you have to get sole custody, move out of state, and then move again to his home state) shows that he's pretty controlling himself. Does he have your (and your child's) interests at heart, or his own? He wants you to move your life to his home town, no matter that your child has a Dad where she is now. That sounds a little self-serving!

I'm sorry your ex is stirring the pot but he IS the father of your child and she has the right to see him, even if you or your boyfriend are having difficulties with him. I think everyone with an ex has occasional problems with them. That's why they are an ex!

Sole custody is hard to get if your ex can prove that he's an adequate father. Tell your ex that if he isn't doing a good job of fathering, that you WILL file for full custody, if you feel that's best for the child.

As you implied - what happens if you don't get sole custody? Will your boyfriend stay in your current state now? If he's leaving one way or the other, end things - he doesn't have your (plural) best interests at heart. And I think you might suspect that already, by what you say in your post. Make sure you have a frank discussion with him about this so nothing is sprung on you last minute. I really do think he is expecting a lot out of you. And yes, you should absolutely know beforehand if he will stay behind if you don't get sole custody. Think about it - why is this entire situation all about your boyfriend's wants and desires and not your daughter/you?

Talk to both men in a sensible and forthright way, which I know will be hard with your ex. But he has to stop any drama and he has to pay for support. Is he otherwise good with your daughter, emotionally? Does he show up when expected, on time etc? Does she value and enjoy her time with him and vice versa? Drama can be expected with couples who separate. It doesn't necessarily mean sole custody needs to be looked into. Maybe your boyfriend just wants your ex out of your life for good, just so he doesn't have to deal with him. But again, your boyfriend has no right to demand you file for sole custody. He has no input here, he has no place in this situation, this is between you and your ex.

It all comes down to the best interests of your child, and not what your boyfriend wants.

I hope this helps you and please do keep in touch. You sound like a caring and intuitive mother. Make sure your daughter is your priority. Please keep us updated and I wish the best for you and your daughter!

January 28, 2011 - 2:03pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Relationships & Family

Get Email Updates

Relationships & Family Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!