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What should I do to when my boyfriend ignores me when I want to talk about problems

By Anonymous February 20, 2010 - 5:44pm
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I am a mother of 3 children and pregnant again, I have been with my boyfriend for 8yrs and the only time he wants me is when he wants sex. Now that I am pregnant he wants nothing to do with me at all. I try talking to him but he rather watch t.v. and if I give a worning that I am shutting the t.v off to talk to him he yells at me to move and says NOT AGAIN, Great this is going to wrone my hole weekend.
I feel lonly and scared I love him I know he is a good man but he dosent want to get married and I do. And all this is affecting our kids our middle son has problems mentaly and is taking the same traits that my boyfriend dose or says to me! My kids talk to me and treat me the same way he dose. I know this isnèt normal but what should I do he said last weekend out of no where the he needed help I clearly knew what he was talking about we started to talk and then he got mad at me and it started all over again! I am done with being alone like this but I love him and what to stay what do I do!

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EmpowHER Guest

I know it is really hard to do, but you may want to take a break. I'm not suggesting ending things, but kick him out on a temporary basis or take the kids and live with a friend or family member on a temporary basis. Doing so I think is an unmistakeable sign to the other person that the way things are is not working for you and you have to consider your options if things don't start to change. Unfortunately if you don't give a person a reason to do what you need from them often times people will lazily keep doing what they are doing because there is no negative result caused from what they are doing. Normally I would suggest talking to your boyfriend but clearly you are trying and not even being given an opportunity to be heard. If you don't want to immediately try putting some distance between the two of you, perhaps he refuses to talk to you because of how you approach him? I'm not trying to say you're in the wrong or anything, just trying to find some helpful solutions. If it were me I would be really irritated if someone turned off my show (even if they gave me a heads up before they turned it off, it would make me feel as though I don't have control over their own life to an extent) because they decided they had to talk to me at that very moment. Have you tried approaching him with, "hey, I really would like to talk to you about a few things, would you mind doing that when you aren't busy?" It may suck to have to wait, but he may be ignoring you because of how your approach is making him feel. This happens between my boyfriend and I as well and the problem usually ends up being that one of us felt our needs or wants or feelings were invalidated by the other. I'm sorry if this is not helpful but relationship advice is a bit difficult because every relationship is different. I hope your relationship works out and things get better for the both of you and your kids.

May 28, 2015 - 6:57pm
EmpowHER Guest

leave him......

February 14, 2015 - 9:17am

I know that I can be nagging to him at times but it is because I want his attenchon. I long for some afection from him!
He know he has a problem that the thing he wants help but he isnt putting effort into getting it!
In the past I set up Drs appointments for him to get help he was put on meds and he was taking them. And out of the blue he stoped and said he stoped because he said that everyone was walking all over him!

I know I am not all that perfect eather I cry it seams for no reason. I want to talk to my Dr but what will they do. I have seen specelest and they said that I am absuluty normal there is nothing wrong with and it is just the situatshon I am in!
Our little girl is the only on that seems to be ok! She is like me! Emoshonal when yelled at but very close to me. She trys to spend cuddle time with daddy but he pats her and says good girl and then gets up and moves. She is only 4.
My oldest well we have never told him that my common law isnt is real dad yet. He is almost 9. But I think he knows because of some of the thing he says to me after my common law and I have had a fight. Things like kick him out or can we go to grandmas even though I know it is a long drive.
He also is emoshanal and breaks out in out rages but has ADHD.
Thing are ok as long as I say away from him in the house and dont talk to him. I can only talk to him about what his show is about or the movie. Or his work! But even that is touchy!
Today was a good day he cleaned the back yard and we took a drive to the dump but when we got home he sat back in the chair said he did his deed and has been watching t.v since sorry he did make dinner for the kids! But For instance this is want I am talking about being alone, all the kids are in bed I put them to bed and now he is upstairs watching t.v *Greese* which he know I like but he hates. And I am downstairs in ower room waitting for him to come to bed and spend time with me!
I am down here and not watching it with him because earler I camly asked him if we can talk and he said *WHAT* and I asked simply ( can we start working on spending a little time togeather and maybe some intamint time togeather) . And he FREEKED yelling * oh my god your going to wrone my hole weekend over this again what is wrong with you stop naging me why do you always find a way to wrone my night this is why I dont want to have sex with you and this is why when I do have sex with you I wait till your sleeping!*****
My reply was I am sorry you feel that way! And I simply walked away in shame in tears and then balling in my room with my baby kicking me because of me holding my breath at times so I dont make noise that I am crying!
I know he works hard and some people or all people need there space but I mean ever day ever night ever hr!
He is gone all the time and only gets a few short hrs with all of us as a family like 2hrs every day befor kids go to bed. And well since I am up with them and prgnant I like to try and get some sleep to.
Me leave NO this is the kids home he can leave!!!!!!!! But even with call ing the police they said that I am not in danger so there is no reason for them to remove him and for me to leave or just stay way from him! Come on now people really. I just want to fix things I know he has it in him but HOW DO YOU GET HIM TO GET HELP! He even said he knows that he needs it! So!!!!

Oh you wernt being hard on me for what you said your are sooooo right!!!! I know that! I have been to meetings up that wazoo lol! But what is one to do with no support no help other then to go to a womans shelter come on no I went there once for this and no never again there has to be a way a good way to help him.
I know I canèt be mommy to him to lol! But I think that is what I have become but with out talking.
Thank you ! Yes you donèt know is side and I am sure he one to say like I have heard from the nabour that He said to her that I perpisly got pregnant again lol! No I was done at 1! But god gave me more!
Well if you would like to give more input please do!
Your my only so called computer friend now! Thank you!

February 20, 2010 - 7:32pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to jazzbouchard)

Hi again Anon

I'm wondering how your week went? Any improvements in communication? Have you made any decisions?

I'd love if you could update us!


February 26, 2010 - 2:24pm
HERWriter Guide


Thanks for contacting us and welcome!

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope it goes well and your babe is in your arms in no time!

Anon - why are you with with this man? You said

1. He yells at me
2. He won't talk to me
3. He doesn't want to get married and I do
4. He wants nothing to do with me other that sex
5. Now that I'm pregnant, he doesn't want me at all
6. He is negatively impacting my children
7. My children are repeating his abuse on and to me
8. He mentioned he needed help and has done nothing about it
9. I know my relationship and home situation is not normal.

You end it all with "He's a good man and I love him".

Does that make any sense at all?

What has he done to deserve your love? Abuse you? Then throw a few occasional crumbs of compassion to you - enough to keep you hanging on?

He may need help - since we don't know anything about him and cannot hear his side, we can't suggest what kind of help he needs.

But you also need help. You are subjecting yourself and your children to abuse and you cannot do this to your kids. That is unfair and wrong. Children hear and children see. But they DO what they see. They may become abusive people themselves and in no way is this fair to them. They are your children - all he is to them is their Mom's boyfriend - and a not very good one at that. They have a right to a peaceful loving environment and this man is certainly not providing that. Why are you allowing him this power?

Get counseling very quickly - your doctor or midwife can point you in the right direction. Don't bring another child into this situation. You can't control him but you can control you. Now is not the time to figure him out or "fix him". It's time to get you and your children to a safe place. You may love him, for whatever reason. But he doesn't love you. If we are what we do, he does not love you. I couldn't imagine my husband treating me like this and sure as heck not my kids. That's an immediate deal breaker.

You are in a tough situation now and I'm very sorry for that. My heart goes out to any pregnant woman with kids who is living like this.

Do you have a friend, mom, sisters or aunts that you could stay with? While it doesn't seem like you are in physical danger (always call 911 if you think you may be) your children need a safer place to live. It is NOT ok to keep your children around this man, regardless of what his personal problems are. His problems are not your children's.

Please consider moving out and please don't keep up that mantra of "but I love him!" - he is showing no love to you or your children. It was you and your kids first and you need to put you and your kids ahead of him. Don't stay with him and put him above your children. Love is all well and good when it's two adults together. Bring kids in to the mix and their well-being comes far ahead of him and his needs.

I want you to really think about this and think about getting him out of the house or moving you and your kids out - for now. After you have your baby and settle in a bit, then therapy, counseling (for him, for you and your kids) can be discussed. Your priority as of now it to care of you and your kids, not put up with his abuse because he's a "good man".

I know I'm sounding a bit tough here but he won't change unless he wants to and another baby will not fix anything, it might even make things even more stressful.

I really want you and your kids to be safe, and away from a boyfriend who treats all of you so badly.

Is there anywhere you can go with your kids? Do you live with your boyfriend? Whose house is it? Do you have support from family or friends?

February 20, 2010 - 6:25pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

8 yrs ago I moved here with my boyfriend 13 hrs way from friends and family but taking with me my at the time 9 month old son from a live in friend that thought it was more and I said no to his ways even though we went a couple. So my boyfriend come and stayed with me and helped me move with him. He had and still has a good job (pending on layoffs here and there). 3 yrs ago we bot our first house togeather after finding that if we could stay togeather this long! Our two children that we have togeather both have problems medicaly! But I have been doing everything in my power to help them but our middle son has the most problems. Whitch I understand that middle children usaly have some problems from this but because of having OCD, ODD, Bipoler and Epilesy my boyfriend has a hard time dealling with him after work. This I know is not my sons fult nor mine. I have left quit a few times takeing my children for that dreadful drive 13hrs way from here just to stay with family for a few week thinking that it would help. Giving my common law some time to himself gather some thoughts and let my children see what living is really about other then what they have seen here at home. But ever time I take off about 5 to 6 hrs into my drive my common law calls me statting that he wants me to come back home at that moment and I always say no.
After 2 to 3 weeks away I come back thinking that things will get better but with in a few days of being home everything gose back to the way it is!
I am 26 and he is 35 I know that is a differance.
We dont have friends because when I do make friends and get them to meet with him they seem to get along but then when they leave he says that eather there is somthing wrong with them or he just dosent like them or something. You see it is strange because I know most women have the problem of there husbands chetting or going out alot but this is not the case. In fact he dosent want to do anything but he says he dose * NO MODAVATION* he never gose out he dosent make friends. (NOTHING)
I think he has depreshon.

February 20, 2010 - 7:02pm
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