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Where do I run to?

By Anonymous August 19, 2015 - 5:47pm
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I am lost and do not know where to turn. I am young and have been living with my spouse (not married) for almost 5 years. At first he was quit, seem very charming and easy going...a "whatever you want" kinda guy, but a few months later when we moved in together I started seeing a side to him that he never even hinted to have. A very evil, dark and dangerously secretive side. This is the first and only time I have and will Ever speak of this, as I am afraid to tell anyone my cold reality. I am hoping this will help other woman out there, and maybe as therapy to myself. I found out he was a drug dealer not some punk- I mean a dealer. By this time we where already living together, and because I was not working with a small child, I just hid what I knew and avoided all involvement...I very quickly learned that technique was not going to work. I don't know anything about using drugs but I could tell he was so different at times, like another person. What I feared was true, he was using whatever the drugs were. Things were just getting warm..I wont go into all details but I can say with certainty, that FEW souls have suffered like mine, and I am glad for that, because most would end up literally insane because the human mind/flesh can only take so much pain and torture.

Anyways, he had a serious sexually transmitted disease when we met and he didn't know it- not until I found out I had early onset cervical cancer due to him getting me infected. He doesn't know
from who its from, since he was not a virgin when I met him. To be honest he was quit a "puto" from the bits of the past he lived and told me. Yes, that too I had to hear. I told him to go to a Dr. and get checked, he laughed and said I could not know that. Well.....between his marijuana and other drug uses, the sexual perversion with different people, cigarret smoking, unhealthy life and demonic "friends" I knew NOTHING good could be in him or come from him until and IF he ever chose to change, but since he clearly said he did not want to change in my face, I began planning to leave our home, even though I had just found out I was pregnant and with a small child and unemployed (the cancer was causing me sooooooooooo much pain, I got to the point I could not walk anymore.) He was diagnosed shortly after with colon cancer in the ER and had emergency surgery to resection his colon, he had 44 stiches and now has an ostomy, with a frankinsteinish scar from his chest all the way down to where it cant go anymore. I was by his side in all the weeks in the hospital, threw the surgeries, I fed him, bathed, clothed, cared for him as if he had never broken me beyond any repair. Cathader, dress wound changes, removing the staples from the surgery, buying all things to make our home handicap accessable, fasting and praying..I went 7 days just praying with tea towards the end and I nibbled tiny, tiny amount just enough to keep my body alive, I read hundreds of pages about his diagnose and about chemo, natural medicine, chemo alteeratives, nights, days, weeks, months just reading and buying everything I could afford from my savings almost 20,000.00 all spent on alternative medicine, new clothes for him as he got skinny, taxis, rent and bills bcause he was out of work,..on and on it goes. Well, now that he can walk, eat without a tube, and work again he has told me he doesn't want to be with me and that I am in his house. He treats me inhumanly unkind, I wont even write many things here but I can say death would be comforting, in comparison to the many times this anguish kills me daily. My soul is filled with the deepest sadness to the point its overflowing. My eyes disobey what I have asked, and tears just drop into my coffee and onto the floor as I walk, I quickly clean it up. I drink my coffee that now is watered down with my salty tears that just pour as my eyes are open. I cant even focus on light to silence the words my eyes speak against my free will. Whats worse is we found out the cancer spread to 2/3 liph or limp nodes, not sure how its spelled, and just recently to his liver. He does not read/educate him self about the natural protocals and is not doing the chemo. His heart is hard and he has made no room for me in it. I care about him and am very worried he will quickly deteriorate without me by his side to help him. I know he treats me harshly but I just dont want him to die or to become more ill, since he is doing so well with the natural medicine, the cancer is now in remission. I love him and he never chose to love me. I lost the pregnancy and the second I had to terminate to have the surgery at the gynocology oncology unit. I became so ill, I had to place my son with a Christian family to adopt him, my heart bleeds for my son and my arms ache to hug him, but I knew I might not live too much longer and I did not want my son to be raised by him, so I did what I thought was best for my son. I cry for my son, I cry for the other 2 children lost, I grieve for my spouse well, now that I have to leave ex spouse, I cry for what could of been a happy big family, now divided- some dead, some dieng, others gone forever. And just to know he could of avoided all this blood spilled and pain inflicted, and he doesnt even thinl once a month about what he haa done to these 4 lives, including ruining his own. He has affected 2 families, and done damage for generations to come. P.S. What do I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you for your response. Yes, I am looking for somewhere to go, but I just cant help knowing that if he dies its my fault because I left, and he has nobody elce to help him. The weight of a human life in your hands is heavy. Even more when the decision of whether he lives or dies is in your control. If I stay he will keep the cancer in remission and most likely even be cancer free with the natural medicine. The natural medicine has done a miracle in his health, even his oncologist is surprised how well he is doing..but that means for me to stay is for me to be hurting deep inside, at least until he is 100% healthy, then I can leave with out guilt. But if I go.... then I will be the one dead alive. I wont be able to live with myself knowing I turned my back on him. What will I do when his Mother calls me and the people tell me he is very ill and dying...or that he has passed away? It will be MY fault. Meanwhile...I feel like I am neither alive nor deceased, happy nor sad..just existing and trying hard with great success to hide this internal tornado that makes my days so very long.

August 20, 2015 - 12:03pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I can read distress in your words and I am very sorry you're in this position.
I don't understand why you think your spouse will live if you stay and die if you go. It's up to him to take whatever medications he wants - why would his survival or death be your fault? Is he making you feel like this is the case?

In any case, the choice is up to you. I understand feelings of guilt but feeling guilty implies that you are doing something wrong and you are not. You are not the cure for cancer nor are you the cause of death.

It seems like you are veering towards staying with him and if you do, throw yourself into it wholeheartedly and don't look back. Same if you leave. Don't torment yourself over your decision. When you make it, stick it out. You sound like a very caring person - I wish you the very best.

August 20, 2015 - 3:33pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

You're in a very difficult situation but if the cancer has spread all over, including his liver, he's going to die, but you are saying his cancer is in remission? If he's going to die then it should be pretty soon. If he doesn't care about you, then don't feel you have to stay; you don't have to stay and you shouldn't feel guilty for leaving an abusive man who doesn't love you.

Do you have somewhere to stay?


August 20, 2015 - 5:12am
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