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Q: 

why does he choose porn over me??

By Anonymous October 20, 2014 - 12:24pm
 
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Well me and my partner have been together for nearly two years, we used to have everyday then it went down to every second day, now I'm lucky if its once a week. Last year I found porn on his phone and he said he'd stopped, because it got me so upset, I threatened to leave. I know he still does it, I know dates, times and everything but whenever I try to talk to him he turns it on me saying I'm snooping when really I don't have to and I haven't been it just pops up, he knows I have trust issues from previous relationships and when we started he had all my trust but how am I suppose to trust him now? He lies straight to my face, no guilt or anything, what else could he be hiding?. I told him we could watch porn together if it's so important to him but he says things like he doesn't need porn if he wants to get hard he just needs to look at me and I'm a pornstar with him in our bedroom.. but knowing hes watching porn everyday lately is turning me off him, his past turns me off too (ManSlut). He watches it in the toilet while I have a shower and stuff its really getting to me I feel so unattractive and pathetic, sometimes I think about leaving because he prefers to use his hand so I mustn't be enough! Help me? Advice? Anyone?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

as time as progressed it has got worse, it is everyday now and its impacting our relationship greatly. I no longer try to talk to him as it does not stop him. He feels no guilt, lying. I have a record of dates and times now and he still denies like I'm crazy.

November 23, 2014 - 3:11pm
Guide

Hello toscar1960,

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am so sorry to hear that you struggle with this as well. Trust is one of the most important elements of any healthy and happy relationship. Couples don't have to agree on everything-but when someone is lying to you, there's no foundation for the relationship to flourish. You shouldn't have to "compete" with the porn. Your partner needs to make the decision to put you first in his life and kick the porn or get help. If he can't or doesn't want to give it up..then ultimately you know where you stand. 

I hope this helps!

Best,

Kristin

November 5, 2014 - 12:17pm

I know what you are going through, my boyfriend of almost 3 years prefers porn over me as well, when we first started dating our sex life was great, then I moved in and the first time I caught him was very upsetting he told me to get out of the room. I tried talking to him and he got very upset, so I left it alone and still we were not having sex. I told him it was me or the porn and he said he wanted me. But he still is watching porn, I even put a web watcher on his computer and it told me every time he went on a porn site, I asked him and he lied to me. I am ready to walk away from him, the problem is I love him very much, but I can not compete with his porn.

November 1, 2014 - 12:14am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to toscar1960)

Well I understand your story so well and I can relate, I try to talk to my partner but he lies and if i show him he says im snooping and becomes me with the problem. I know what you mean when you said you can't compete with porn and when you said you are to walk away but you love him very much, I love my partner so much and apart from the porn site visits he is very good to me but with the porn incidents i think that if my partner will lie to me about something like porn what else would he hide or lie about..

November 5, 2014 - 7:51pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

thank you for your advice, I have tried talking with him and even suggested watching it together so it's not a secret but he tells me he doesn't need porn and does it in secret, I am truly grateful for your advice and I will give a big think into my next step.

October 20, 2014 - 7:26pm
Guide

Dear Anon

Thank you for your post and welcome! I am sorry to read about the difficulties in your relationship but we’re here to help. 

Just so that you know, this problem is not a reflection of you, it is a problem that HE is having and has to deal with. In no way should you feel unattractive or pathetic!

There are many reasons why sex stops or is drastically reduced in a relationship. It can be due to stress, ill-health, a hectic schedule, illness, fatigue, depression, medications or a lack of interest in sex. A person may want to stop having sex with someone because they are no longer sexually interested in them. 

To know why your boyfriend has changed and to understand why your intimate life is lacking, you will need to talk to him. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth, all we can do is give you possibilities as we have done above. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your boyfriend and we don’t know what he has to say about things. 

Tell your boyfriend the truth and never play head games. Tell him you love him, you miss the intimacy with him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your boyfriend needs to accept that things are going wrong in the relationship and needs to take part ownership in this. 

If porn is an issue, that is also something you will have to work through together too. Porn in itself is not harmful at all to many people or couples. But some men get so addicted to porn that they are unable to perform with their willing partners because pornography can really distort reality. 

You cannot compete with a fantasy and you should not have to. If he refuses to give up porn and it is negatively affecting your relationship, then you need to leave the relationship. 

Don’t beg for sex. It’s time to have an adult conversation in this adult relationship. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you. But without this, the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.  

Make a point of helping to make things better and I hope your boyfriend will work with you. If he is not interested in making any kind of changes, then the changes will have to come from you. You will have to decide if this is what you want from your life or if you want more. That will be up to you. 

You cannot “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your happiness is also a priority. 

Did this help Anon?

Best of luck,

Kristin

October 20, 2014 - 12:56pm
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