Facebook Pixel
EmpowHER Guest

why my boyfriend wont have sex with me and its been morr then 2 years?

By Anonymous September 18, 2015 - 9:01pm
Rate This

My boyfriend won't be intimate with me. If I get enough strength to try he always turns me down. He won't open up to me to tell me why. I don't think he's gay I think it's something else he was passionate with me for the first few weeks but never had sex. I do love Him so much and don't want to leave him but I don't know how to make this work.

Add a Comment10 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Thank you so much for talking to me about this. II'm def in a tough spot cuz I love him so much but deep down I won't be happy with out a physical relationship and not having a family. I guess at this point I get so hurt that I push him away as well because he dosnt take care of me in the way he should. But I find it so hard to find the courage to even try to be physical with him or to make a move because I already know greatest chance that ge will turn me down. He had taken pills and testosterone meds in past and nothing really changed. I just don't know what yo think. I don't understand why he won't talk to me about it either.

September 20, 2015 - 7:57pm
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

I understand. It's a tough place to be.
It is bizarre in a way that you have not had sex even one time in the past 2 years. It makes me wonder if he might masturbate instead and he simply does not have the courage to do anything else. Or perhaps maybe he was molested as a child and has PTSD from it.
When a guy seemingly goes for years without sex in a relationship, there is a big possibility he was deeply damaged somewhere in his past; or he is sexually satisfied some other way.

September 20, 2015 - 8:09pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to fchacon)

I am with him most all the time and I dont believe he masturbates . I have tried to talk to him about that also. I have ask him why he didn't at least do that to work him self up if he wasn't confident in lasting long or something. I think there might be a possibility that his uncle might have did things to him when he was little but I ask him about it and he said no. And I would think he could tell me because he knows that things have happened to me before when I was little. If something did happen to him I want to be able to help him through all of this. I don't know where to begin and he dosnt seem to open up or want to talk to a counselor.

October 15, 2015 - 8:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to fchacon)

We live together and I'm with him most all the time when we are not together so I know he does not masturbate. I did ask him if he was ever molested and he said no . And he knows iv been raped in the past so I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me if he was but there has been sone question from Me on the matter. Idk if he just won't tell me.... I won't talk about what happened to me but he does know but not in detail. And that is why this is so hard because he is the first guy that I really have wanted to make love to or have sex with and before I used to dread having sex but with him I want to and it kills me that he didn't want that with me. And I have told him that and it just seems like he won't allow him self to get hard. That if he starts to get hard to pulls away and gets him self small again...

September 21, 2015 - 7:28pm

I so sorry to hear of your difficult situation. I'd love to give you some advice on the matter.
Sexual abstinence can stem from two kinds of issues: physical or phycological.
If your boyfriend was molested as a child, has guilt after sex, or has low self-esteem, or depression etc all those factors could cause him to avoid sex.
Then there is the possibility of him having a low libido from low testosterone levels, medications, or medical depression etc.
I understand how hard it is to make it better if he won't talk about it. But you must keep pursuing conversation if you want to changes things. Tell him how important it is for you to have sexual intimacy in your relationship. Try to talk to him during a time when you are both in a good mood, not, for example, right after he's just turned you down again. Use a lot if "I" statements such as "I love you, and really would love to be physically intimate with you." Instead of "Why won't you have sex with me?"
Let us know if you have any more questions.

September 19, 2015 - 9:36am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to fchacon)

I also found out not long ago that the girl friend he had before me were together for 7 years and they never had sex either.

September 19, 2015 - 11:46am
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

This fact then, confirms (I think) it's because he has a personal problem with sex. It is not because of you, which is encouraging.

September 19, 2015 - 10:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to fchacon)

Do you think there is any hope that we would be able to work through this issue? I do want a family and I do want to be touched and loved. But I also love him so much. I just don't know what the right way to go about this with him. Or what the right things to say are?

September 20, 2015 - 8:28am
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Well, its been 2 years, and you've gotten to know him very well. So, take advantage of the fact that you are significant in his life. Let your voice and your needs to be heard. You have the right to tell him that you need physical intimacy with him. I know its scary because you are putting yourself in a position to be possibility rejected.
However, this is where you need to make a choice. Can you live with a boyfriend/husband without having sex? If you decide that you cannot live without it, then you must see if he is willing to change for you. If he tells you he is not willing to change, then you must make an even harder choice. Will you stay with him anyway?
If you settle for less than you really want, you cannot blame him for that. So, if you decide to stay will him, even after he refuses to give you sexual intimacy, then you need to stick to the decision and not expect it of him. This will be very hard.
If you decided not settle for a relationship without sex, and you break up with him; it will also be very hard.
This is the dilemma of being an adult. Both the best and the worse decisions may take you down a difficult path. What matters is that you are true to yourself and what you really want. If you don't do that, you'll never be happy.

September 20, 2015 - 2:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to fchacon)

I appreciate you helping me thru this and it is really helping. I'm leaving for about two weeks very soon and I'm hoping that gives me enough time to get my mind collected and to have a plan on how to go us on what I need to do. The hard thing is I have been raped and I have never wanted to have sex or make love untill I met him. And even tho he knows what happen to me but not in detail. And I guess that' hurts because I have shared with him what some of the things iv been Thu and he still won't open up to me .And I feel extremely hurt that he downt want me the way I want him bc it reminds me of my past when I dreaded having sex and was forced to all the time.I guess it hurts that he dosnt trust me like I do him. And it's so hard for me to try to push it on him because I feel like I'm doing to him what people have done to me.And I guess I try to really ignore the situation and try not to think about it cuz then once I do I get so depressed. I know I need to be strong and to keep after him on this issue but I think I'm going to need guidance. The first few weeks he did get hard and into it to a point but I always said we need to stop. And once I got to the point that I trusted him and said let's do it everything changed. He like shut himself down from me. But this is also around the same time his mother passed away and I know he didn't take that well. But now it's like no matter what he won't even get hard and I feel like if he starts to he then pulls himself back and makes himself get soft again. And he has tried pills and testosterone stuff and it didn't really make a difference. I want to give this relationship another chance and really do everything I can to try to make it work I just need guidance in what I should be doing or saying or how to push him. ?

September 23, 2015 - 5:15pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!