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Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

By February 23, 2010 - 10:13pm
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My boyfriend and i have been together for just about 4 years. I am 20 and he is turning 21 this April. When we first started going out we had sex 3-6 times a day but he would go to parties and do god only knows and he would also hit on girls online. So I guess you can say we didn't have a very good start... He has cheated on all of his ex-girlfriends and I have spoken to one and she told me to get away from him asap but I just can't. He has been living with me for the past two years I became very comfortable and I have gained about 20lbs within the years we've been together. His father verbally abuses me and calls me fat so I have not spoken to him for about 2 months now. My boyfriend tends to get extreamly violent when he consumes alcohol he has strangled me countless amounts of times and has

almost broken my wrists by twisting my hands manyyy times. I just can't find it in myself to leave him though. Our sex life is dead now. I don't understand if it's because I'm not tiny anymore or what. He has told me that having sex with me is like a chore now. He goes to work from 7am-4pm comes home at around 4:30pm and goes to classes on monday and Thursday nights from 6pm-10pm so he says he's too tired as one of his excuses. I have been nothing but good to him and I have given him the world the least he could do is have sex with me but when/if we have sex it will only last from 2-5minutes and he says the reason it didn't last long is because he's not in the mood. He says he's not cheating and that he still loves me so is there
something wrong with me or is it him with the issues? Please help : (

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EmpowHER Guest

your boyfriend abuses you and you're question is why isn't he having sex with you?? thats insane. why would you want a man that beats on you to make love to you. there's a big problem here and it's not the sex. trust me.

July 4, 2010 - 2:14am
EmpowHER Guest

Your boyfriend may be a homosexual and cannot admit it. He may be sexually frustrated and angry about his own urges. He may even have been sexually abused by his father. Look into documented signs and symptoms to see if you recognize his behavior.

May 2, 2010 - 4:11pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Adtr!

I'll give you my very practical take on your situation: you need to break up immediately with this abusive man. Strangling you over and over means he has killed you several times - you just didn't die. Yet.

I would cease all communication with this father. His father is manipulating you into keeping his son with you (by hinting he'll kill himself if you leave him) so he doesn't have to deal with him himself.

As Rosa said, the fact that he's not having sex with you is as important to your situation right now as what color socks you're wearing. You are concentrating on something of no importance (compared to the overall problems) perhaps to mask the fact that he has attempted to strangle you numerous times (he may be suffering from alcohol induced psychosis) and is guilty of regular domestic violence.

Why are you upset that a very abusive man isn't having sex with you? Do you think you'll gain approval from him with sex? What is attractive about a man who beats and strangles you?

His father is a nasty bully and the fact that you've gained 20lbs doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

This relationship needs to end now - and no amount of pondering your sex life is going to make anything better. He and his family are toxic and they are poisoning you.

I hope your boyfriend gets the help he obviously needs. Starting with AA is a good idea and he most certainly needs psychological counseling. I would say (separate) counseling for you is also a good idea, in order for you to get to know YOU better, and get to the bottom of why you are with such a dangerous man.

You have no obligation to this man or his family. Your obligation is to yourself. You are a 20 year old college student with a dangerous boyfriend. Your job is only to be a 20 year old college student. Anyone who tells you to stay with this man does not have your best interests at heart and is encouraging you to live a very dangerous life.

I know you think you love him, and in some mad way, maybe he loves you too. You don't love him and he doesn't love you - plain and simple. People who "love" don't hit, beat, strangle and threaten. People "in love" are not living in fear, panic and guilt. Please take any feeling of "love" out of the equation, it simply doesn't exist in your relationship.

Please use the number that Rosa has given you and move away from this man immediately and cease all contact with his family. File for a restraining order and get into counseling. You will not fix this. You need to get out of this relationship now and please don't look back. Seeing each other a few days a week will not work. Please end things and continue with college and a healthy life, by yourself.

Do you have friends and family for support? Can we help you to get support?

I really wish you the best, which is why I'm advising you to run, not walk, away from this whole situation. This is not some "Romeo and Juliet no-one understands us" teen drama. This is real and abusive and dangerous.

Please update us as soon as you can. We're here for you and we'll find help for you.

February 24, 2010 - 12:31pm

I threatened to break up with him the last time he got drunk and he has stopped drinking I think I mightve gotten through to him on how much he hurt me. The thing is...he lives with me, I am only 20 and have not finished school so I live with my family. One time me and him got into a fight at his fathers place (when me and his father were on good terms) and his father told me not to leave him because he thinks he'll end up hurting himself and I would feel so guilty if anything happened. My boyfriend had a very tough life growing up his parents actually abused him so I don't know if when he would drink he'd have flashbacks or what. I feel like I keep making excuses for him but I believe people can change. He has not hurt me for a while now and has done really well controlling himself when he drinks. He used to drink until everything was a blur and that's when he'd hurt me but now he'll only have a beer or two. What I don't understand is why he won't even let me touch him in any sexual way. He says he's not cheating on me and that it upsets him because I think that but he is just not interested in having sex with me. When we do have sex like I said it will be 2-5 minutes and he just says it's because he's just not in the mood. All he does is go to work go to school two days out of the week and play video games. I don't know if I should just send him back to live with his father but everytime I mention it he thinks I'm breaking up with him. I know we're too young to be living with eachother he's been living with me a little before I turned 18. So I don't know if we should just see eachother a few days out of the week or what.

February 24, 2010 - 11:26am


I have to agree with Rosa, Adtr. You are in an abusive relationship and you've got to get out. You say your boyfriend has strangled you countless number of times -- don't you see that if he goes too far just once you could die?

He says he loves you, but he doesn't know how to love you if he is physically abusive to you. A man who loves a woman does not almost break her wrists, or strangle her, or hit her in any way, ever. Ever.

Don't blame yourself for what's gone wrong here. This is NOT about whether you have gained 20 pounds or whether you are doing all the right things. This is about your boyfriend's view of life, and what is and is not OK for him to do.

Adtr, do you have any close friends, or family of your own?

What city and state are you in?

Have you ever thought about leaving your boyfriend because of the drinking and the violence?

Like Rosa said, please write back. We're here to help.

February 24, 2010 - 9:31am


I have to say when I first opened up your post I was not prepared to read what I just read. I am very sorry that he seems disinterested in sex but in all honesty-- you have way bigger fish to fry.

Have you considered getting help to get out of your relationship? Or has this never crossed your mind considering you are being verbally abused by HIS father and physically abused by him?

Let me clarify what you just posted-- you are with a guy who doesn't have sex with you, hits you when he is drunk, and possibly cheats on you (considering his past history). Is there something good about him that keeps you with him? Or is it fear?

Please write back-- there is help out there and I strongly feel like you deserve it. Yes, many people are good when sober and it could only be nasty when they're drunk but being drunk doesn't justify hurting someone to the point of almost breaking their wrists. Drinking impairs the brain and thought process severely and because of this, I am in fear for YOUR life. If you reconsider getting help and out of this hazardous relationship, please call the abuse helpline at: 1800.621.HOPE(4673)

February 24, 2010 - 6:37am
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