More than a year ago I finally had to admit that I could not give my best to both my employer and my kids. As a single dad, the choice was easy and I was blessed with the option of stepping off the corporate ladder - at least until my kids become drivers or are too embarrassed to be seen in public with dad - which ever comes first.
Over the past couple of days this week, I have shared my friend's morning commute through the Los Angeles freeway jungle via cell phone. She is a high powered, very well compensated studio executive, on the cusp of a major promotion that will catapult her career and earnings by a quantum leap. Even as she savors her success, now she suffers a personal crisis each morning she drops her first grader off at school - then getting home that night after her first grader and pre-schooler have been put to bed by the nanny. From our conversation, she is conflicted that professional success is no longer worth missing out on her kids' childhood. But for her to walk away from the corporate gig will have a huge impact on her lifestyle, professionally, socially and monetarily.
Though a similar transition has worked for my kids and me, I hesitate at being the poster child for my friend's situation. So here's my question: besides the obvious budgeting and downsizing exercises, what unexpected side effects may be experienced by a high performing woman trading the corner office for a park bench?
I sincerely appreciate your feedback and look forward to sharing it with my friend as she struggles to achieve balance in her life.
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This sounds like my story to a "T"! It also sounds like my friend's story, and we both made different choices.
Just 9 months ago, I quit a well-paying, well-respected career at a prestigious university. I worked hard for my degrees and certifications in that field. I was promoted several times, myself becoming "known" in the field...I felt unstoppable at work, and felt extraordinarily fortunate to have made it as far as I did. I was good at what I did, made a difference in people's lives, and knew I was appreciated.
However, I knew I also wanted children in my life. I was having a difficult time figuring out how to "balance" work and family, and was hesitant to have a baby, because I feared my work would be re-prioritized.
Funny, because everything is re-prioritized. I did work for over a year after my son was born, usually 40-50+ hours a week, picking my son up from daycare and spending time with him during the evenings and weekends. This arrangement worked great for the first year of his life, and then as toddler-dom hit (much as your friend with her 1st grader), life and the kid became much more complex creatures. So, in a nutshell, I've "been there" to some degree.
Your question:
"...what unexpected side effects may be experienced by a high performing woman trading the corner office for a park bench?"
Side effects of moving from Career to SAHM:
- Loss of identity: I was my job title. Choosing to be a SAHM does not mean you give up all of your credentials or career-power; it means re-creating yourself, working part-time or realizing that this is just a moment in your life...there are other moments to climb the ladder.
- Re-thinking SAHM: I hate to admit this, but I really thought 'less' of SAHMs. I didn't realize I did...until I became one and really struggled with thinking less of myself.
- Realizing that there are other ways to define "successful career". It took 3-4 months of mourning my old self, but now on the other side, I feel more successful and fulfilled and understood in my new part-time job then I ever did in my career-ladder-climbing job. I have more freedom, flexibility; I receive many more sincere "thank you's" and "good job". I feel valuable and am keeping up my skills, so that I can make other career choices as my child enters school.
- More friends. I have many more friends than I ever did when I was working. They are not work friends. They do not have hidden agendas. They are real friends who care about me, my goals, my previous life, my new life, and my child's well-being.
- New career path. Reinventing yourself is an unexpected side effect. I did not think there was anything else out there, other than my then-current job. I felt like I had no choices; it was climbing the ladder at this particular job or...nothing. Once you are out and gain new perspective...a world opens up with even more job opportunities that actually DO allow for you to include your family!
- Steep learning curve. My new career is learning what a "toddler" is and does, so I read many books on the subject. I've been able to link my new job with my old job, and it makes it more interesting.
- New world opens up with libraries, parks, city events; there is more to our community than just my place of work. SAHM do not actually stay "at home". I am busy enriching my child's (and my) life with new activities, friends and adventures!
- Less stress. Being the primary caregiver to a toddler is stressful and exhausting in its own right, but is a different type of stress. It feels like a manageable, predictable and productive stress (most of the time). My career stress felt overwhelming, never-ending and soul-depleting.
I believe there is a balance that can be achieved, but it occurs over a lifetime. Choices do have to be made at certain points of your life; these choices are temporary and always evolving, and are truly an individual choice.
Women can "have it all", but not "all at once".
A success story with a career mom:
My friend is very successful in her job, able to find time to "sneak out" and spend an hour with her son during the day. She makes him breakfast in the morning and dances to crazy music before work/school with him. Her husband spends quality time with their son in the evenings, and they all three spend the weekends together. It works great for them, and they are not missing out on their careers or on spending quality time with their son. The only difference in their story and your friends' is that they crafted their work life to fit into their family life; not the other way around. This can most certainly be done, but granted, not with every employer.
Either way, life is too short to be unhappy and second-guess yourself.
My advice to your friend:
Look at life from the consequence-side: how will you feel tomorrow if you do or don't accomplish XYZ (work/family/social/home)? Will you feel resentful, or not really care? Take the guilt out of it and the "should's", and make your life what you want it to be.
If your "perfect" job is not allowing you to spend ANY time with your child....and that is what you WANT to do... then maybe the job is not so "perfect".
A plethora of ladder-climbing jobs exist that allow time with family (and actually encourage it!). Look at Working Mother magazine for Fortune 500 companies for examples of such jobs, and the high-achieving women in them.
Good luck! I'd love to talk about this subject more, if there are any other questions or comments.
September 7, 2008 - 6:59amThis Comment
I was an investment banker for nearly 20 years. It's a tough, male-dominated, high-stakes and high-stress field with its own aura of glamour, potential for crazy money, and success comes at a price.
My husband and I were lucky enough to have my mom available to help with the kids. But, he and I would plan our travel so that we'd be able to spend a whole weekend together. My career took my health, and nearly took my family from me.
Working moms are told they have to balance family and career. Mary Kay Ash told her minions that we women really could have it all, IF we kept the balance: God first, family second, work last. Just tell that to corporate America.
Corporate America doesn't want us to have it all. How many company-sponsored daycare facilities do you know of? How many moms can afford to take a few days off work to be home with sick kids or on umpteen school days out? It's harder for working moms because we're expected to take care of hubby, house and home AND be effective on the job. We have a lot more on the plate to deal with, let's face it.
The park bench looked pretty darned good to me for the handful of years I swapped it for my perfect office view. I was at the ball games, the school performances and the important events. As one who was raised by a nanny, I can say firsthand that I viewed being there for my kids from a different perspective than other baseball/orchestra/scout/whatever moms - I didn't take it for granted.
Personally, I think "balance" is a myth. The only reality is making choices.
September 5, 2008 - 6:58pmThis Comment