I am 30 and my boyfriend is 40. We've been dating 1 year. We started out having a great sex life. Then 4 months into the relationship he started having to travel for work and got a really busy schedule. He recently got a promotion and is under a lot of stress. He doesn't like that he has to travel very much and has told me that he is looking forward to not having to be in Sacramento so much. We still hang out as much as possible. However I have an opposite schedule (work the evening shift 2-10:30pm) and he works during the day. On weekends he is exhausted. I am very frustrated because I would like to have sex 1 or 2x a week, and in the past 6 months it has been a struggle. He will occasionally say "ahh, I have to get to work!" and jump out of bed in the morning really stressed like and get on all his clothes before we have any intimate time. His other excuse is I have to be at a meeting. I am at the point where I am just so frustrated. We both love eachother and I know he is under a ton or stress with a new promotion that requires 12 hour days. He says he cannot handle me pouting or being sad. When we have sex it good. He has said that I am "the best".
I waited until I was 25 to have sex. He's had many years to have this enjoyment. I'm not a crazy sex addict, I just need sex (it's essential) 1 or 2x a week. We average 4x a month. But occasionally if I'm on my period or he's dead tired I'm scared to initiate sex. I don't want to be turned down.
Is there something wrong with me having to ask him questions and need to have sex. I am in my prime and don't want to waste my time. However, I love him, and I know that we both want to stay in the relationship. Do men's sex drives slow down in their 40's?
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We have encountered many women who are going through similar situations as yours, so no, you are not a crazy sex addict, and you sound like you have a normal, healthy interest in sex.
It sounds like you two have great communication, but perhaps can work on this one piece of the puzzle. You have made it very clear that you would like to be intimate with your boyfriend once or twice per week. What is his ideal? I would bet it is also once or twice per week. If so, how can you together make this happen, at least most weeks?
It really does not sound like he has a problem with his sex drive (from what you describe), but that he truly is stressed, over-worked and exhausted. I think the difference with men in their 40s versus in their teens (even into their 20s!) is that the "older" men actually have the ability to focus their attention on things outside of sex that interest them, whereas "younger" men have the new surge of hormones that mentally and physically bring them back to "oh, yeah! I could be having sex right now!". OK---this is a huge stereotype, but I'm assuming the reason you fell for an older man (I did too...my husband is 11 years older than I am, and is 45) is that they are more sophisticated--yet still goofy and kid-like--they are interesting, sexy and fun to be around. With this also comes patience on our part that they may get tied up in work more than a younger 20-something, as the 40-somethings have worked twenty-plus years to get to where they are at in the workforce, compared to most (again, generalizing) 20-somethings who are in college or just beginning in their career. We have also grown up with the belief that men always want to have sex, and are surprised when they aren't in the mood...and we are! How can they resist us, is the underlying question (and hurt we feel). When we (females) are busy doing other things that interest us...this is considered more "normal" throughout society, so is not really questioned. Imagine your question asked by your boyfriend, "my gf only wants sex 1-2 times per week. What's with her sex drive? Does she not love me; am I wasting my time on her?" Imagine how the response to him would be different!
I guess my biggest advice is: talk with him, and listen to his answers. What does he want, how does he want to make it happen, and when? Is he fine with the current arrangement? Does he feel intimate with you in other ways, and if so, how? What is his fear of more sex, more often? (This was a big one--does he fear that getting intimate will take too much time, or he will be pressured to perform to a certain standard, and really wants to be with you, but not with expectations?) Can you two think of other ways to be physically intimate that does not take as much time and energy as an entire love-making episode that would please you both??
Please know that your sex life will ebb-and-flow throughout the years, depending on what is going on in both your life and your partner's life. Try to take the blame and frustration out of it, and figure out what each different situation demands.
Let us know if this helps, and I would love to hear back from you, especially if you have a conversation (or ten) with your bf.
October 15, 2009 - 3:02pmThis Comment
Thank you...I agree with what you are saying, that helps a lot. I'm glad I found this website. I believe you are right about his fear of being intimate may take too long because he's always in a rush in the morning. Saturday he gets up and works and sometimes has conference calls at his house. Last Sunday he had a conference call at 8pm. The last few weeks we've only seen eachother on weekends. I also agree that I need to be patient. I've never had a situation where I was the one needing more sex.
I don't mind us spending some time apart, although I miss him during the week. I've gotten use to this because I work evening shift so I stay at my place during the week because he's sound asleep and I don't want to wake him. My frustration comes from being afraid to initiate or even touch him, for fear of being "turned down." (Of course we still cuddle and all that good stuff). I know he is attracted to me, it has just made it unnatural to me since I cannot initiate anything. It's all when it's convenient for him. And that is the part that frustrates me. Because I find I'm not being as relaxed and spontaneous. And because I've read so many statistics about how many times couples have sex per week. It makes me wonder "shouldn't we be doing it more often?" I never worried about this when I was younger. I have thought about "taking a break from sex" and working on it when it comes back to being spontaneous later. But I also don't want to withhold sex because I feel like that is playing a game and I might cave into sex when I'm trying to withhold it. I just wish the sex could be on both of our terms rather than just his. It makes it much more pleasant.
October 16, 2009 - 9:49amI too have the same problem I am 26 years old and my husband is 40years old we've been together for a year now and wee have a 4months year old daughter, in the begining our sexlife was off the chain, we almost have sex 7days straight twice a day, so when I gave birth to our baby girl that changes everything, he work ahard as ever and he work 7days a week straight long hurs sometimes 12 to 13 hurs ia day...we fight eversince this happens, I want him so bad I'm telling you all I never felt hornier in my life..lol..I guess its because everythings hits once you have a baby, but everytime I asked him r we going to ripped the monsters eye tonight? His response was baby I'm so tired, there's nothing wrong with my dick but I'm so tired I just want to sleep, it came to a point where we only have sex once in a week and a half, sometimes I'm thinking of leaving him because his getting to old to be stress out because he is the only working person in the house, its sad too looking at him trying to make it out and make me happy at the same time,somehow I feel guilty of having a baby so early, I'm not regreting having my daught but I just wished we could date more before I become preggo, now we fight a lot, sometimes we don't care if talk to each other anymore but if I make up with him first it makkes me feel I'm trying to begged him for sex andmakes me look stupid and desperate..please I need help advice to save my marriag
June 2, 2011 - 9:43pmSex struggle