I tend to share everything in my life on this sight and I am looking for advise.
Love can certainly be a wonderful thing as well as pretty trivial at times. Your life changes in so many ways over the years and than something comes in and changes your thoughts and your future.
I spent eight years with a man, a wonderful man, who made some bad choices in life which caused the worst heartache and grief in my young life. As a strong woman, I stood up and learned to understand that the things that happened were not my fault. I took time to heal from the loss of love and also learned how to be happy with myself, alone. I can say that I feel comfortable in my own skin and know what I want out of life now.
Due to circumstance, this gentleman walks back into my life...he is beautiful, affectionate, interesting and foremost the wonderful man that I remembered before his bad choices. It has been a year since our breakup and my feelings are untouchable. My emotions are running wild, I haven't cried this much in years....it's because I still love him. Why is it so hard to say? People say it all the time and don't mean it but I have the hardest time saying what I really feel, so I am telling you. I love him. I never stopped.
He has changed now. He is back being the person I fell in love with and he just looks so good and healthy. Here is the catch...he has a girlfriend that he really cares about......I am heartbroken. I am here to tell you that I am selfish. I am an Aries and I am the most selfish person. When I want something, I want it. I don't care about who gets hurt in the middle. I feel horrible about this feeling. I feel like I deserve the good man that I knew back.
With this in mind, I need to learn how to stop this selfishness. It is not fair to any person involved. Do I fight for my man? Do I walk away? Do I wish him best of luck and bow out gracefully? I have to admit, it hurts so bad.
Can someone please just open my eyes. Give me advise that doesn't hurt anyone involved. If I have to take another heartbreak, then thats what I have to do. I just don't want to be selfish anymore.
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If hes not married to her show him you love him and get him back she'll get over it.
November 4, 2009 - 12:36pmThis Comment
When a man is involve in a relationship with a woman who truly loves him usually he has control of the other person feeling. To be stress free, leave him alone while you have a chance. If he not with you now, there something wrong with the picture. Who's misearabl you or him? Who crying you or him? Who want to be with each other you or him? If answer you to all of the questions, then you are the person who is hurt.
November 2, 2009 - 2:53pmThis Comment
Loca,
I would only add this:
"Selfish" means taking care of yourself. There isn't anything wrong with it. You did that when you broke up with him, and you've done that every day since. Don't stop now. There's a possible disaster here, and you are aware of that.
Act with grace, and class, and you won't ever regret it. Stay on the high road. If you tell him how you feel, do it with sincerity and generosity. If he's not interested, have the strength to back away.
And be so honest with yourself. If he wasn't dating another girl, would he be as attractive to you? If the tables were turned, how would you feel?
January 19, 2009 - 11:07amThis Comment
Loca,
That tells you something right there! If you are too afraid to share the truth with him (your feelings, regardless of the excuse/reason), then you really may need more time to heal from the past relationship.
"Mature love" is what you are after (versus "infatuation from afar"), so you've got to be true to yourself!
January 18, 2009 - 6:21pmThis Comment
I am afraid to tell him since I initiated the breakup. It was a rough situation at the time. I guess you never know what you had until it is gone.
January 18, 2009 - 4:09pmThis Comment
You said: "I feel like I deserve the good man that I knew back." and "He is back being the person I fell in love with".
Really?
You can never have the man "that you knew" back, and he is never going to "be back to the person" he was a year ago. He's changed over the year. You've changed over the year. You've both had other experiences in those 12 months. Those factors alone create a different relationship.
You deserve love, happiness and peace in your life, no doubt. It sounds like this man is on a pedestal...does he deserve that?
To me, that's what the tears and heartache are about. He sounds "too good to be true", and you've wrapped up in this one man EVERYTHING that you are sad about in ALL relationships; your word choices are interesting: to describe this man, they are all positive ("wonderful", "beautiful", "affectionate", "interesting", "good", "healthy"), but about yourself, you said you are "selfish" many times; "strong" once. Do you think some of the tears are that you've been dealt a bad hand, that you have all the heartbreak and none of the good in your life? If so, go ahead---feel sorry for yourself! It's OK! I think "naming" your sadness is the first step; you may not (really) be crying over what you think you are (the perfect untouchable man) and may be crying over some wounded parts of yourself.
Just one person's opinion! What are your thoughts?
January 18, 2009 - 3:54pmThis Comment
You wrote this so well; I can almost FEEL what you are feeling. It sounds very strong.
I do not believe you are selfish; I would banish the negative-self talk!
My opinion: I don't think you can force anyone to love you back. I don't think you can "fight" for anyone to love you back.
If you want him to continue to make good choices in his life, I think you need to continue allowing him to make good choices. He knows where you live. He once loved you (I assume?!). He has a girlfriend right now. I think you continue going on with your life, dating, being the person you want to be. If he is still interested in you, he will make choices that allows him to spend more time with you, while also telling his current girlfriend that he'd like to "start seeing other people". I would not enable him to make any bad choices in his life (ie, cheating on his current girlfriend). You've already been down the "bad decision" road with him, and I assume/hope you do not want to be the culprit of another bad decision ("bad decision" would be, again, not being faithful or lying to either you or his current girlfriend...or even himself).
Love is fair, love is kind. Love is patient. Allow him love in his life, whether it be with your or his current girlfriend.
Have you looked at why you are so passionate about this guy? This is a HUGE leap, so please forgive me, but have you had any experiences in your life similar to this...where you want what you can't have, and once you have it, you are not as passionate about it anymore?
Another thought: perhaps you two are "meant" to be together, but now is not the right moment. You are free to let him know how you feel (once!), tell him you respect his current relationship and want him to make good choices for himself...whether that be with you in the picture or not. Do not go overboard and "fight for him"...that is a lose-lose-lose situation for all three of you. Let him know how you feel. If he feels the same way now, later, or never...allow him space to make good decisions for himself. In the meantime, continue developing yourself to be the woman he (or any other partner) would want to be around...but most importantly, be the person YOU want to be around! Don't intrude on his life, if he says he's "not sure" about his feelings for you, or if is currently happy. Allow him space to feel his feelings and live his life. That's truly loving the person, in my opinion!
January 18, 2009 - 3:36pmThis Comment
VERY well said... I was going to comment, but I believe you have said it better than I could have.
January 19, 2009 - 6:35amVery intelligent advice.
This Comment
Have you told him how you feel?
January 18, 2009 - 3:16pmThis Comment
Hi Susan,
There is no relationship right now....although I want one back. The situation that brought us back together was work that needed to be done to my house and he owns a business that deals in remodeling etc. So we have spent time together recently and it was enjoyable.
He has told me that everything was his fault and he was so sorry for everything. I believe him....people do change right? It is so odd to lose everything twice. My heart, my love and I woke up three times in the middle of the night with fear in me that he is gone. This is seriously affecting my life....
January 18, 2009 - 9:10amThis Comment