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I am coming off a long week of living with house guests. My sister’s family is between houses, so they have been living with us temporarily. I can honestly say that it did not go as I, or any of us, imagined it would. I think co-habitating with extended family never does go as you imagine it. It helps to outline expectations going into the arrangement.
I recall as a child knowing of friends who had extended family living with their family. One friend had an aunt and grandmother from the Philippines living with them, and another friend’s grandparents regularly spent weeks at her house. I now wonder were those cases because of necessity, or just a nice extended visit? In some families, it’s a cultural thing. For instance, I have a friend now whose mother comes and stays for a month or more to help out when she has a child. That's just what they do. I wish I could be so lucky to have the help. I also have heard horror stories of family co-habitation. One friend’s home seems to be a revolving door for her husband’s family members.
I imagined our experience being sunny days of my sister and I working in my house; I at my desk, and she at my dining room table. We both would be tapping-away on our laptop computers, talking like other co-workers do over a cubicle wall, and she would be making calls to her client doctors, or whomever.
We all would arrive back at the house after work with the kids fresh from daycare or school, and my sister and I would enjoy a glass of wine while making dinner for our families together. Our husbands would watch the evening news or sports on the TV together, throw anecdotes back and forth from their respective days at the office and enjoy an after-work beverage. We all would eat at the same time—them in the dining room, and us at the kitchen table—and the guys would clean up the kitchen while my sister and I got all the kids into the bathtub and then into their pajamas. I was realistic in this dream to know all would not go smoothly. After all, I have a 1 year old and 3 year old, she has a 7 year old, and a 5 year old. But with 4 parents around, any child/adult or child/child conflicts would quickly be resolved. So then after getting all the children to bed at 8 p.m., the adults would relax around the kitchen table with a friendly game of cards and some conversation before turning in to our respective rooms for the night.
Here’s how it really went: We all were sick—really sick—we ended up at the doctor’s office three separate times, and my sister was at the doctor’s office twice. My husband was sent home from his workplace and told not to return until the following week. Everyone in the household except for my sister’s husband last week had a cold, probably more likely flu, and many of us spawned secondary ear or bronchial infections, as well.
My poor little Braun ear thermometer got a workout. It was passed around like treat bags at a kid party. My sister and I compared our fevers and laughed sarcastically at which of us had the highest temp. We celebrated when one of the kids didn’t need a dose of Motrin. When I was tired and couldn’t go on, my sister held down the fort so I could go to my room and rest. When she was dragging, I reciprocated for her. My husband was of course was around too, and he was a big help to watch the kids. Although my sister and I joked a couple times about how each of our husbands offered to get the kids “Happy Meals” on separate days for lunch (their answer to feeding the children, unless Lunchables are handy). My sister’s husband was a ghost, and did everything he could to not be around us “sickies.” He would go to work and come back after the kids were sleeping, then retreat to the basement to watch shows or sleep at night.
Our house was a Petri dish of germs and a microcosm for relationships. My sister and I talked a lot about the “Superior Wife” syndrome that I wrote about last week, and how true it is. She was feeling abandoned by her husband not really helping care for their children. The dream vision of how the week should have gone was nice. In reality, even though the week sucked in a big way, I was so glad to have my sister around last week, and it gave me a new appreciation for family co-habitation. If we ever get the chance to do it again, it will go like the dream--part two of this article is our top 5 tips to help make that happen.
Christine Jeffries is a writer/editor for work and at heart, and lives in a home of testosterone with her husband and two sons. She started a women's group, The Wo-Hoo! Society, in the interests of friendship, networking and philanthropy. The group meets separately on a monthly basis in the Phoenix and Kansas City areas. Christine is interested in women's health and promoting strong women.
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This was a wonderful post. I'm sorry you all had to go through the week of being sick, but somehow your week of being sick together was even more real, more "family," than your original fantasy would have been. This is one thing that separates family -- however we define it -- from other people: the desire to care for one another even when we feel like crap. It's easy to cook a meal and share a glass of wine. It's not easy to live in a house full of fevers, kleenex and shared bathrooms. Thanks so much for writing.
September 30, 2009 - 8:16amThis Comment