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my boyfriend won't have sex with me,says he feels pressured

By Anonymous May 5, 2010 - 8:36am
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we've been together 7 months and untill about 2 months our sex life was great. he said i always turned him on and he'd talk dirty to me constantly.then it seemed to get less frequent and now he makes up excuses not to have sex. i get really upset and feel very rejected and he knows that because i can't help getting mardy with him when he won't have sex with me!
when we do have sex (which is rare) it's become awkward and either lasts for 5 minutes or he loses his erection.i asked him to talk dirty to me once and he gave a nervous laugh and said "i don't know what to say". which made me very confused!

the other night after he rejected me again, he admitted to me that he felt pressured into performing because i always want sex, and he feels like a performing monkey. i don't understand this, because he always wanted it as much as me!
i just find him irresistable and i need the sexual contact with him to feel close and wanted, and when i don't get it i feel like total crap.
i'm now terrified of initiating anything because he pushes me away and i can't handle it.
i'm at a complete loss as i've never been in this situation before,in past relationships i was the one who would rather turn over and go to sleep. what can i do??

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EmpowHER Guest

I can't believe how much of what you're all saying is EXACTLY like my situation. When we first got together it was a casual thing, we saw each other a few times a week and every time we saw each other we'd have sex at least once in that night, although he'd leave afterwards and go home, it was still great sex. the closer we got as people the more he started to stay over and we would even have sex in the morning as well before he left for uni and before i left for work. Although we were a casual relationship, we started seeing each other more and we communicated more and kind of turned in to a couple. Before we were really a couple, he went overseas for a conference and ended up getting "absolutely off his face" and had sex with some 31 year old engaged crazy b****. I only found out about this about a month ago and since then we've talked about it and that's the only time he's ever done that to me, and his excuse was that we weren't really a couple, which is very true, but he kept it from me and still had the text msgs in his phone (thats how i found out) which is what hurt the most. With all that aside, we've been so great as a couple the last 6-8 months (been seeing each other for over a year but only serious for about 6-7 months), we talk about things we have in common, we laugh together and play-fight like kids, cook dinner together, cuddle on the couch and in bed, still kiss each other (cheek and mouth), so everything is fine in that respect. But for the last couple of months his want for sex has increased dramatically. At first I thought it was just because he was tired and stressed out; he is a phD student and is at uni 14hrs a day 7 days a week with no time to himself and barely any for me. I tell him that I'm so proud of the work he does (which i am), and I think he's doing a great thing and that he's so good at it and to not give up. But the stress and frustration that comes with his phD (and i mean to a point where he's raging mad and throwing stuff around) has had quite an impact on our sex life. Even when I beg for it now and when i tell him how much i need it, he just becomes really quiet and says that he doesn't know what to say. I've cried to him over it and told him that I feel extremely unattractive and insecure because of it, and have asked him if it's me or if it's because I've put on a couple of kilos or if it's because he doesn't like doing it with me anymore, and he says it's none of that, it's just him. He says that even when he's not at uni he's constantly thinking about it, it plagues his mind, he can't get his mind to rest at night, therefore has very rough sleeps. I sleep well, except lately due to him being unfaithful when he was overseas at a conference. I want to think that him having sex with that crazy engaged woman has nothing to do with him not wanting it from me, but I feel like I bore him. He still kisses me and holds my hand and cuddles/spoons me in bed, tells me I'm cute and calls me every day after uni to see what I'm doing, and we see each other nearly every single night. Should I start staying at home a bit more so he has space to get his head around his uni stuff? I never ever bother him when he studies or reads his papers from uni, and when he says he'll be at uni for another hour and then shows up two and a half hours later at my house, he says he got carried away. And I know that's true, I know he's not cheating on me because he's a very unusual guy and wouldn't waste his time on me if he wanted someone else. (the incident in america was purely because he was off his face, horny and wanted sex; he said the next day after he did it he felt bad and regretted it because he considered his actions not to be the best, and asked for heaps of sexy/raunchy photos of me to get that other woman out of his head). I'm really not sure what to do, because he doesn't like talking about stuff that we've already talked about and he ensures me that its not me its him, but I'm literally begging for it and forcing his hand down my pants but he just laughs and pushes me away. It's so weird because he's affectionate in every other way besides sex itself. I don't want to leave him, we've got something too good to give up, but this is pushing me over the edge. I'm a very sexual person, he knows that because when we first started seeing each other I was pouncing on him at the first sight of seeing him, as he was me. I spoke to him one night about it and he said that he feels pressured to have sex with me and like he's only doing it because I want to. He also says he doesn't want to do it if he can't do it properly (ie. no energy and too tired - which is what he's like every day.) I'm not sure what to do, I don't know how to make him horny or want me like he used to. It makes me cry and I lie awake at night crying about it while he sleeps. It sounds dysfunctional but like I said, we're great in every other area. Should I back off and start sleeping at my house more often, will it make him want me more when he does see me? Should I not ask for it at all and wait til he wants it? I don't know when that will be and I'm almost at breaking point. I even had a tantrum last night and ended up going for a cigarette on the balcony. Cigarettes instead of sex seems to be the norm at the moment. I'm in peices over this because I don't want to leave him but for a lot of women this is a reason why they do. :(

February 19, 2011 - 10:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

i can't do sex morethan 10minets and i'm 23 so can yu please help me

November 6, 2010 - 10:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

This is a very common thing after being together with someone for a long period of time but you two are still in what I will call as honeymoon-mode after only one year. Do you suspect cheating?

I once read a women that wrote on this site a couple weeks ago about her husband that was not interested in having sex anymore and she took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. Needless to say, the husband followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting. I am not sure if that is your situation but it may be helpful.

Please keep us updated on more details.

September 26, 2010 - 9:19am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Miscortes,

Thanks for your reply.
No I don't suspect cheating. It crossed my mind but after much thought I realised that I trust the guy and there are no signs of cheating. I have a pretty good gut instinct too (could tell when my ex cheated) and I don't have that now.

Since posting originally I have done some serious thinking and one of the things that I came up with was to not make myself so available to him and already I think it's working... Only 2 days later!
I'll keep you posted :o)

September 27, 2010 - 9:58pm
EmpowHER Guest

You girls have described my situation exactly!
I'm wondering as it's been a few months since you posted all this if you could let me know if things have improved at all and what you did?

We're in a stage of our relationship (been together 1 year) where up until July when we went on a romantic holiday we were having sex at least once a day on holiday and other than that around 4 times a week.
Now we barely have it once a week and it's so routine - either morning of the weekend he'll wake up, roll on top of me and we'll have sex. I keep wanting to tell him no so that he can feel how it hurts but I don't because I'm not sure when I'll get sex again.
Last night I tried to instigate it and he told me "I'm watching TV" so I got in a huff, rolled over and we went to sleep. This morning was very tense between us.
It's not that I have an unusually high sex drive, but I have never been turned down by previous boyfriends and I'm not used to this.
He's 39 and I'm 29.

September 26, 2010 - 6:04am
EmpowHER Guest

My name is Veronica and 22 years old and I go to school at LSU. Back in December I met a great guy who also goes to LSU and we started dating. My problem is it's been over six months and my boyfriend won't say “I love you”.

July 21, 2010 - 7:43pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Veronica -why are you writing that here, in a thing about another problem?
maybe he doesn't love you so he doesn't want to mess you around by saying a hollow empty thing which people put around too much? Maybe he is beginning to love you but doesn't want to say it until he is certain he can live up to what he says, because he is a genuine person.maybe he was hurt once by love and realises the importance of the phrase.
If the six months have been fabulous and you feel closer to him each day, more and more of your lives beginning to entwine, you make each other laugh and can't wait to be with each other he may be beginning to feel like it is something he might say.
But if you whine and doubt and suffer, even if silently in your own head, tension will develop. Who says how long love takes to grow? my own partner used to, for the first 6/8 months, start singing songs and if the word love came into it or I love you, he'd leave it out, because he didn't want to give me any ammunition to fire back at him if things hadn't worked out between us. He didn't tell me he loved me. I kind of knew enough about how he was acting to see that he was behaving in a loving way, and kind of now respect him for not blurting out I love you like I probably did from about a month or two after I'd met him. now its one of our jokes, singing pop songs rand when we get to the word love we sing 'hmmm' you're once, twice, three times a lady and I hmmm you, etc...(like attracts like, we're both certifiable probably)
whilst the initial attraction and delight in finding someone who is brilliant to be with and who you fancy is irresistable, and feels like love, proper deep every day for the rest of ever love grows slowly. Six months is a very very very short time, but not when you're waiting for someone to say I love you. Then, you are exactly half as old as me so it probably seems like an eternity. I think you may just have a slow burner, and if you love him and want him to love you as much as you think you do then relax, enjoy and be pleased that when he says it, he'll really mean it.and won't that be nicer?

July 22, 2010 - 5:03am

completely agree with the above- they make it your problem- you want it too much and its unappealling, or its too much pressure on them. them them them. never addressing the issue, always pushing out the blame, which makes it worse cos you don't know how to act- its like when people tell you love comes along when you're least expecting it-you try to be least expecting it all the time, and its like that with no sex. look, hon, no pressure, look, I'm not wanting it. but no, they roll over and go to sleep, and if you CRY oh god don't cry about it cos that's unappealling and off putting, yet you're so frustrated and hurt and insecure by now and you feel ashamed, unsatisfied. It's horribly hard but really, if a partner won't communicate at a level that you need, then doing lots of fun things together which aren't sex isn't going to work. Leaving him and finding a partner who you do fun things with and then when you go to bed its their objective to give you a good time every time is the option. Too many women suffer this abuse and it is abuse, its emotional abuse, physical negligence, and are made to feel hopeless and blamed. and what about the fact you think you love him- we think we love them MORe because we're longing for them all the time,its not balanced love- instead of living/breathing/ having fun/connecting physically and mentally - one is left in a state of aching yearning, dissatisfaction which is NOT YOUR FAULT.
TELL HIM TO SORT THIS, FACE THIS, COMMUNICATE, COME TO A MUTUALLY SATISFACTORY SOLUTION OF YOU WILL LEAVE HIM. Then if he doesn't, leave him. life is too short, and its SO WONDERFUL with a man who cares.
source: bitter bitter years of this sort of hell, then a fantastic partner FINALLY (and I'm not so hot these days, at 45!!)

July 14, 2010 - 10:23am

hmmm i was in this situation in all of my longer relationships, and you know what? all of them ended. for me being best friends is important, but you can't ONLY be a best friend, at least i can't. i am sexually quite active and i know on the long run it turns the guys off, although at the beginning it's all a dream come true and they all always just talk about how great it is to have an active woman bla bla bla... but then in the end it all ended the same.
..but then i ran into a bigger freak then me :) it's been over 4 years and we still have sex nearly every day, sometimes it can go down to 3-4 times a week in the periods in which he's overworked and stressed with the job, but then it always goes back to normal in a week or two.
and this work issue.. after all this, i think it affects them more than we would think, woman are born to be multitasking and can manage more responsibilities at the same time, job, career, family, relationships, hobbies.. men, they're more one thing at a time, so if the job is dragging their ego down.. well taht ego will fall on all the fields. and when they see they can't satisfy their own woman the ego drops so bad that they just need to go on kinda humiliating you and blaming you for being "insisting" or "putting pressure" so YOU would feel WRONG and not THEM.

July 6, 2010 - 4:26pm

So is there a solution here? I am going through the same ordeal and its killing me. Are you saying the way to resolve this is by deciding what is important to yourself? Because that is where I run into the problem. I don't know how important sex is supposed to be in a relationship, it seems like when your having it, it doesn't matter how much. But when your not its all you can think about. I can't decide if having a good relationship, a best friend is enough.

July 6, 2010 - 3:59pm
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