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my boyfriend won't have sex with me,says he feels pressured

By Anonymous May 5, 2010 - 8:36am
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we've been together 7 months and untill about 2 months our sex life was great. he said i always turned him on and he'd talk dirty to me constantly.then it seemed to get less frequent and now he makes up excuses not to have sex. i get really upset and feel very rejected and he knows that because i can't help getting mardy with him when he won't have sex with me!
when we do have sex (which is rare) it's become awkward and either lasts for 5 minutes or he loses his erection.i asked him to talk dirty to me once and he gave a nervous laugh and said "i don't know what to say". which made me very confused!

the other night after he rejected me again, he admitted to me that he felt pressured into performing because i always want sex, and he feels like a performing monkey. i don't understand this, because he always wanted it as much as me!
i just find him irresistable and i need the sexual contact with him to feel close and wanted, and when i don't get it i feel like total crap.
i'm now terrified of initiating anything because he pushes me away and i can't handle it.
i'm at a complete loss as i've never been in this situation before,in past relationships i was the one who would rather turn over and go to sleep. what can i do??

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EmpowHER Guest

I'm having the same problem. He says he feels he has to have sex with me so I don't have an attitude. Now I feel horrible and don't know if I want to be intimate with him.

April 16, 2016 - 9:09am
EmpowHER Guest

I've had the same problem...I don't know what to do...he prefers porn over me...he won't go down on me. In protest I won't do it thether I'm at my wits end...I love him dearly but talking doesn't help...I'm starting to think I'm not the right girl for him...but in saying that my daughter is

March 6, 2016 - 3:15am
EmpowHER Guest


April 9, 2015 - 3:32am
EmpowHER Guest

This post is for future people in this predicament......the problem with your men/boys is the classic symptoms of PORN ADDICTION! They wont stop even tho they cant "get it up"....they are not real men but losers! Dont waste your time on these fools!

September 4, 2014 - 3:12pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm a guy and the last time I watched porn was a couple months ago at least so no i am not a fool for feeling pressured into having sex. if this guy is anything like me hes just not as sexual as her and maybe shed be happier finding someone that can match her needs....

September 30, 2015 - 9:03pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Your so right I've been with my partner now for 22 years for the last 2 years nothing after assuming he was seeing prostitutes I confront him he admitted having a problem with porn. For years he's been SA but still the same

September 11, 2014 - 12:05pm
EmpowHER Guest

I´m not sure if every one of your stories fit in the same scenario, but I hope this helps:
When a man who loves doesn´t "feel like" having sex with you, there sure is a problem, but it´s rarely ever related to sex.
Men like sex, and they enjoy it, but it is true that they sometimes feel pressure, and are not able to perform at their best, which makes them even more frustrated, and the more frustrated you are, the more pressure he feels, so first of, stop "asking" for sex, even more so, stop demanding it if you are. Be sublte. Men are not very attracted to a woman pursuing them (they are when they can´t get any, of course, but if he loves you, and he already wanted you before, you don´t need to offer it, I know it may be difficult, but restrain yourself from going after him. It´s okay to tell him he looks sexy, or that he is handsome, but stop there, he has to pursue you).
Second, this is a very common cause of men not having sex with the woman they love, they feel pressure because they feel they are the only thing on your life, or at least, your main focus. If you´re not too happy on your job, or you have stopped doing your hobbies, he will feel like all of your happiness depends on him (most men are egocentric like that, this is not a bad thing, it´s just the way they are wired). Go back to your old hobbies, or find a new one. Find something to do that you enjoy and that does not depend on him at all. Tell him about it, and about how excited you are about this new thing that you are trying (Try to make it something that he won´t want to join into, this needs to be something you do alone for yourself) but don´t fake it. Do something that you´re really excited about. Avoid things like cooking, or projects where the end result will still benefit him (If you take on knitting, and knit him a sweater, he may feel like it still bounces back to him, if you enjoy knitting, then knit things for yourself. Focus on you on this one).
Keep taking care of yourself (shallowly speaking, don´t give up on that) and flirt with him. Be subtle and discreet. Place your cand on his, and maybe caress him gently with one of your fingers, stare at his lips, lick yours, but do not engage in physical action until he does. Do respond if he does, but always give less than him, if he kisses you, kiss him back, but don´t throw yourself at him after one kiss. Draw back. Let him pursue you.
Like I said, this won´t fix all of your problems, you better than me know if he might be cheating, or just straying away. This response is focused for when he used to be sexual with you, your relationship is emotionally commited, you know he loves you and he just feels too pressured to "perform" in the bedroom with you.
Stop trying.
Focus on yourself.
Set goals for yourself that have nothing to do with him, and focus on them.
If the problem is really just the pressure, this should fix it.
Men are wired differently than we are. They are less aware of their emotions and where they come from, if he says he´s feeling pressured, he must be feeling it a lot for him to notice, and accept it, they are just not always usually aware of the fact that the feeling of pressure comes from the fact that they feel like you have all of your hopes set on him. The more you want it, the more impact he thinks the disappointment will be.
I hope this helps you. A good relationship is not worth throwing away over sex.

February 25, 2014 - 2:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Thank you for confirming what I think is our situation. I knew it was something like that, I just couldn't put it into positive words. I definitely feel better knowing I can be a little "selfish" aka care about me more and not feel like I'm neglecting him. Before reading your response, I really didn't like believing men are being attention seekers and needed to be ignored in order for them to feel the need to get your attention, persuation. But it makes sense how you explained it, I needed a positive viewpoint. Now I know I am actually helping him instead of feeling like I would be enabling him so thank you so much!

August 5, 2017 - 10:42pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I really find your comments helpful. I am in 2 years relationship with my boyfriend, the last time i remember having great sex with him was during our holiday in sri lanka and that was 10 months ago, he was dominating the bed and I keep on fantasising it every now and then. The problem is, it's been a while we never had sex. sometimes when he initiated it i am not in the mood but most of the time I am initiating it he felt pressured and can't perform well or stop having sex because he felt being pressured. I love him and we have great relationship together. I can even see myself being with him for the rest of my life. How can I make our sex life back to life without me feeling him the pressure and just enjoying it? btw, you are right, A good relationship is not worth throwing away over sex.

October 29, 2016 - 11:30pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Omg this has opened my eyes so much I was feeling so rejected but you are exactly right and I'm gonna try try try my hardest to not pressure him ..

September 15, 2015 - 3:46am
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