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my boyfriend won't have sex with me,says he feels pressured

By Anonymous May 5, 2010 - 8:36am
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we've been together 7 months and untill about 2 months our sex life was great. he said i always turned him on and he'd talk dirty to me constantly.then it seemed to get less frequent and now he makes up excuses not to have sex. i get really upset and feel very rejected and he knows that because i can't help getting mardy with him when he won't have sex with me!
when we do have sex (which is rare) it's become awkward and either lasts for 5 minutes or he loses his erection.i asked him to talk dirty to me once and he gave a nervous laugh and said "i don't know what to say". which made me very confused!

the other night after he rejected me again, he admitted to me that he felt pressured into performing because i always want sex, and he feels like a performing monkey. i don't understand this, because he always wanted it as much as me!
i just find him irresistable and i need the sexual contact with him to feel close and wanted, and when i don't get it i feel like total crap.
i'm now terrified of initiating anything because he pushes me away and i can't handle it.
i'm at a complete loss as i've never been in this situation before,in past relationships i was the one who would rather turn over and go to sleep. what can i do??

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EmpowHER Guest

i think my boyfriend has his sexual issues because he's too passive-aggressive to actually fight with me in other ways. also, i think by making sex worse, it's his little way of avoiding his own issues with sex. [prematurity and impotence] - he says "you're too submissive, etc etc" but that wasn't the case when we met. he says "you want it more than me" but again- that wasn't the case when we met. now he doesn't even bother trying to get me of in bed. it's like he's saying to me "just try and forget about sex and maybe i can, too, since it makes me feel so insecure." but screw that. i've been on his ass for two years. this kitten has to play!

May 22, 2010 - 1:50am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm want to say that this gets resolved and that we spend our lives together. He is working again. He gets layed off every winter but get rehired. He seems to worry about everything but doesn't tell me till he is overwhelmed. We use to go out more but Now were trying to save for our future. We both want the same thing a marriage a home a family. But I feel like he stresses about it. So we can't discuss those things. I know he has bought a ring and is making payments on it. I've been being cold to him like he has been to me lately and he seems concerned but I haven't tried to talk to him about it because I'm afraid it will turn into an arguement. We are talking, he texts me he loves me and misses me but that's all the effection. I'm afraid to give in and start this circle. He was more open in the begining and now he keeps his emotions to himself. I want to try to fix this I just don't know how to. I would really like to try couples therapy.

May 14, 2010 - 6:48am
EmpowHER Guest

I understand what you ladies are going through but I'm having a very hard time with all of this. And I really don't know what to do because I feel this is really starting to effect me. This has been going on for the past year and doesn't seem to be improving. I am 28 years old and he is 30. We both have acknowledge the situation but not really sure we have resolved anything. We started off fine effectionate and sexually active. Know we are lacking in both and I feel it is effecting our relationshiop. I'm worried. He has always had a reason first that roomates were distracting but even though we got our own places the problems continued. Then it was because of being layed off, I'm tired, I don't need it everyday like you......the last comment hurt because I could settle for cuddling...I don't need it everyday and have never been that type of person. But I do enjoy sex and the connection you feel with your loved one. I know he loves me and he says he is attracted to me and wants to. I know he has always worried about satisfying me but I've told him I love making love to him and that he makes me happy. But it doesn't feel like he desires me especially when I'm trying everything in the book even asking him to make love to me which I did this past Saturday (but he was tired and his neck hurt) Its seems so easy for him to say no which I take as rejection and I know I shouldn't but it hurts when you desire someone and don't feel it in return. This creates problems because I'm an emotional person and don't hide them very well. I'm really hurt by this but the initial reaction is anger and agitation but I'm really hurt inside by all of this.
He has talked to his doctor and they say nothing is wrong with him. He told him of a all natural pill like cialis but he wont take it because we don't always have problems. But as long as I let him do it when he wants were fine which is scarce. He has to be in the mood and I have to cross my fingers that he is in the mood. He has gone to a pyschologist which resolved nothing because he didn't like her and he said he was going to find a therapist but has yet to do that. I suggested couples therapy but he didn't seem interested.
I'm worried about us because I don't know what else to do. After this past Saturday I've been cold to him because I don't know what else to do. I'm so sick of feeling rejected and unwanted. We are basically like roomates who sleep in the same bed and say I love you. I do love him and have always loved him with all my heart. But I'm sick of trying to talk about this because we keep repeating eachother and when I get hurt by his no to me he gets mad and we argue. Which does not help the bedroom situation. Basically I feel like he has all the say and power in the bedroom and I'm just there for the ride. I just don't understand how this happened.

May 12, 2010 - 8:03am
(reply to Anonymous)


So where do you go from here? How important is this situation to you? I can tell that you do love him, and that this is really hurting you. But at this point it sounds like the decision-making lies with you. Do you stay? Do you leave?

The bedroom issue is important, for sure. But so often the bedroom situation reflects things going on in other parts of our lives. How is your relationship other than sex? Do you enjoy each other's company? Do you go out and do fun things together? Are you affectionate on the phone? How are the finances in the relationship? Since your boyfriend got laid off, he is surely feeling less than his best. Is he working to find a new job?

It's really hard when you feel like you're going around and around again on the same issues. You can't change him, only he can do that. You can change you, but that's really hard sometimes. So that's why I'm asking you. In your heart, what's next?

May 13, 2010 - 8:50am
EmpowHER Guest

i am also with a man that pushes me away too tired ect but tells me all the time how hot other women are.... i have left him but am seeing him again casually. at first sex was better but after a few months same thing.I for the first time in 10 years with this man said no to sex with him last week and now he doesnt want to see me.I think there is something in their head that stops them from wanting us.boredom. perhaps not as in to us as we think.

May 10, 2010 - 8:16pm

hi secretaryapril. you have just summed up everything i feel!! however i don't know if suggesting therapy is a good idea at the moment. not only am i scared that it will put more pressure on him,making the situation worse, but we did have sex on sunday morning and it was better. saying that we hadn't seen eachother for a week so it might've been a one off. he did mention going to the doctor a while back but he hasn't been yet. i don't know if he's scared or just doesn't see it as a big deal?
sunday did give me some hope, so i'm thinking if i just back off things might get back on track.....

May 10, 2010 - 9:56am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Ladies,

Thank you for replying, One very important thing you both need to know is that this is not YOU. If you love your men, you will learn to please your needs while he is dealing with his issues.

I think April is doing a great thing by going to counseling since this may be an easier way for him to speak about his issues and/or lack of intimacy. Obviously, in both situations, there are great friendly relationships already established but are they still sexual also?

Both stories seem so familiar although there could be 10 different reasons for the low libido. Illegal drugs, prescription medication, stress, thinking there may be an issue 'down there', etc. are just to name a few.

Communication with your significant other is crucial here. Remember ladies that men want to feel like men, they love their egos. Now when you think about this, men are usually the ones that are begging for sex, right? Now, the role is reversed and he has the headache. When you ask, should I just leave him alone? The answer is no, BUT be mindful of his ego.

Talk, talk, talk....try to get them both communicating and understanding your needs although understanding his needs at the same time. Both men 23 and 32 are very young to possibly have erectile dysfunction problems. Do either one of you suspect drug use at all?

I am also wondering how involved your man is in this situation, Redpuma?
I would think that if his erections were being lost, he would want to find an answer as to why this was happening to him. Medically speaking that is just as April's boyfriend was checked for any issues.

I would love to keep this discussion open as you both try to find out a solution. Would you both mind keeping us updated? This is a common question with us. Good Luck!

May 7, 2010 - 12:25pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi anonymous,

This situation would make any woman feel unwanted, so don't think your crazy. After reading your story, one point stuck out to me which was after 5 minutes, he lost his erection. Do you think it may not be you? He may have erectile dysfunction and is ashamed to talk to you about it.

How old is he? Do you suspect cheating? Is he depressed? There are many things that cause low libido in men. What are you noticing different from when you two were having sex?

May 5, 2010 - 12:07pm
(reply to Anonymous)

he doesn't actually lose his erection, he finds it quite difficult to get one and then he lasts 5 minutes, as if he's getting it out of the way. he's only 32. i don't suspect cheating, but he's mentioned that his new job is occupying his mind alot. but i can't help thinking it's another excuse! he hates it when i get upset,but he sees that as putting more pressure on him to have sex! do i just back off and hope things get better? i don't know! i'm lost
(redpuma previously anon)

May 7, 2010 - 10:45am
(reply to redpuma)

your story is similar to what is going on with my life. My husband either can't get an erection or when he does get it up he'll lose it during intercourse. We've been to 4 doctors who've all run tests and said it's nothing medical and that it's all in the head. We currently see a sex therapist/ couples therapist, but it's not working yet. He told me he feels like he has to have sex with me and that i am pressuring him. That statement hurt me alot since i am his wife and he should want to have sex with me. We used to have sex 1-3 times in a day, but it gradually decreased and now i am the one asking for sex...more like begging. Recently, I gave up in that department and am scared to even try to iniate it cause i dnt want to be accused of getting him to do something he doesn't feel like he wants to do or can't do. Eveything else in our relationship is fine and we are like best friends and rarely argue about things. He is 23 and I am 20. We both work, but even if i'm tired from my job i still find the energy to clean, make dinner, and clean again. I am very in love with him and am very attracted to him and find it hard to go a day without being affectionate and or intimate.

May 7, 2010 - 11:59am
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