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So the best sex I've ever had in my entire life is the sex I have with my husband every single time. I'm not trying to be high falutin about this; of course we're in love and that makes all the difference in the world. There are quite a few other things that also make this possible.
One is, my husband and I feel safe with each other emotionally. This means, especially for women, that we can really let loose in bed. As is common knowledge these days, women need an emotional connection to let down their guard when it comes to really enjoying and experimenting with sex. The emotional safety means: I know he's not going to reject me (HUGE for women) I know he's not going to criticize my body/odor/technique - also MAJOR areas of fear and ways in which women shut down during sex. Finally, and this is more important than we realize, ladies, I know he's not going to push me away, fall asleep immediately, grow cold toward me after sex - yes, I know, it's cliche, and yes, it's also extremely true - many of us really do need cuddling and affection after sex.
Given this level of safety and intimacy, I can relax and do things I've never done before. I dress up in character outfits. (This turns me on more than it does him if that is possible). Last night we had some soft porn Cancun Playtime thing on our giant television in our bedroom as we were making love. IT WAS HOT! As an extremely visual person, my husband was intoxicated with the triple pleasure of watching the sexiness onscreen, actually having sex himself, and watching me watch the sexiness on tv.
As he made love to me and we both alternated between being lost in the moment of our lovemaking and watching the naked people on television making love, rubbing, licking, moaning, vibrating, it reached a level of intensity where we were, really, all naked together, yet still separated by appropriate and necessary boundaries.
I think so many women are extremely threatened by their man watching other women have sex in the form of magazines, porn, etc, but it can be wonderfully liberating to share this with your man, especially if he's coming home to one woman, you, every day.
For a man, the thought of being able to relax a little bit about the monogamy pressures while still remaining faithful is a gift. This is a two-way street... a man must be able to make his woman feel secure, loved, the number one woman off all time in his life in order for her to loosen up and let him watch a hot young mama onscreen without feeling sick to her stomach.
One thing is for sure, when the love and emotional connection are there, the chemistry is right, the mood is on, turn on some Showtime and go to Cancun with your lover in bed...watch the sparks fly - it's a cheap vacation!
Add a Comment3 Comments
Alison,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and intriguing comments.... I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote about the dull boring sex life with a long term partner as well as the fact that this absolutely needs to be added to a relationship that is predominantly healthy, loyal, loving and connected...
You also wrote that you're interested in having increased intimacy and fun with your husband - YES!!! THAT is, in a nutshell, what this experience IS ABOUT for me - that danger zone; that taste of something naughty, and yet, he is WITH YOU AND ONLY YOU - it's almost a miracle... I think at times we underestimate the drive that men have to sow their seed, to prove their manhood - we're so busy nursing our insecurities we forget that even our most committed partners have that drive that kicks in under stress, especially... for a man to even have a little time of feeling that "multiple partner" feeling without engaging with anyone but his beloved can be very exciting.
Also, the sexy stuff I am describing shows women who are honest to goodness women - there are no women of questionable age there.
With the divorce rate as high as it is, I think we owe it to ourselves and our partners to step outside the box here and there - not in a way that feel uncomfortable or threatening to us, but in ways that may just be exciting and different.
I like to think of this experience as similar to a hard-core action movie that my husband may get completely engrossed in. I can appreciate it, but I don't get totally involved as he does. At the same time, it's not really threatening to me because I know it doesn't mean he's going to go out and turn into a spy with multiple weapons and a secret identity -
Anyway, thanks for your comments and, if you do decide to try it - have a blast and let me know what happens!
May 25, 2009 - 3:03amAimee
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Aimee,
I have never thought of watching soft porn with my husband as a way to "be able to relax a little bit about the monogamy pressures while still remaining faithful...". That is very interesting, and strangely, thought-provoking!
I think it is also safe to say that although we categorize men as "all" liking porn, some men are also turned-off or feel squeamish about porn; many of the more open-minded and enlightened say it is due to guilt and seeing the women who may/may not have had a choice to go into the industry is someone's mother, daughter, sister.
However, I think this also explains some of the thrill-factor in watching soft porn; it is not "PC" (politically correct), is not socially acceptable to discuss when asked, "so, what did you do last night?", and is probably not on the "to do" list for "how to reach the path to enlightenment". I am all about being "PC" and socially acceptable, but also want increased intimacy and fun with my husband. Where the two intersect for couples depends on so many factors (that you discussed), and I'm wondering if this could help some of the numerous women on this site who ask for help, because they are struggling with a dull, boring sex life with their long-term partner...this may open some new pathways to experimenting while still being safe and monogamous.
I also agree that this "tool" needs to be added to an already well-developed, open, honest, trusting, respectful and safe sexual relationship. It could have harmful effects if used when intimacy, communication and connection are already low, as hurt, insecure or jealous feelings could develop if the relationship does not have a strong foundation.
Again, thanks for sharing your personal story without too much personal information (ha!). I have to admit, I'm interested in trying this...
May 24, 2009 - 8:20pmThis Comment
Susan,
Your thoughtful comments are always so interesting.
Yes, I agree, it's a loaded issue. I don't think that I could enjoy it or feel the way I do about it with any other partner. The context of my particular relationship is what makes it palatable and acceptable, non-threatening and exciting. The emotional connection and safety I described makes me feel that there is only a stimulus component to this; that I am not opening a door to a swinger lifestyle or condoning an open relationship; quite the opposite, actually it strengthens our commitment and reduces any "claustrophobia" type of feeling...
plus this is tame stuff; no bondage or rape or anything the least bit abusive.
Thanks,
May 24, 2009 - 2:54pmAimee
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