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Boyfriend does not want sex anymore after almost breaking up

By July 5, 2010 - 6:39am
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I have been with a guy for 5 years. After just about four years of a great and unique connection and amazing times and memories mixed in with him smoking pot to a point where it was no doubt an addiction and shadiness on his part including an old college girlfriend coming one weekend from out of town without me knowing that they were more than just friends and after hearing from her that they had slept together, while I was with him I started to lose hope that he would ever want to be exclusive. After him logging on to dating websites while I was mislead into thinking he was my boyfriend, I finally took a step back and said to myself, I love this man but eventually something has to change and though he had stopped with drugs and told me that he is ready to be more responsible and exclusive, I still caught him involved in actions that made me feel insecure such as him having a woman in his hotel room on a trip to Israel last summer who he swears nothing happened. Also after all of this time, he was reluctant and included me only in a family event once and it was just stopping by his parents for a glass of water while dropping off their borrowed car. After all of those years of growing together with no commitment and many broken hearts, I realized that I needed to redeem my sense of self and move on. I could not bring myself to telling him this and in the back of mind, I always thought he would have the decency to cut it off for good or to stop mistreating me. I should mention he is 16 years older and a successful bank lawyer and an extremely nice person accept for his tendency to wander off from a committed relationship.

So after that, I went onto match.com and started going on dates. Soon after, I met a nice guy enough attractive guy who was a bright attorney and who included me in his family events and seemed very sweet. He was also closer in age. For awhile while I was dating, I didn't see the need to break anything off. The match.com guy quickly told me that he was done dating and was hoping I was too. I never actually said I was however. My friends all loved match.com and I really enjoyed him as a person but something was never there. Over time and absence with the first guy, he grew aware that he was losing me and that is when he decided to stop being shady and he included me in everything with family and friends. 9 months later, I couldn't believe this was all still going on. The older guy caught me in a slew of lies that I justified because of his wrong doing. Match.com became less attractive to me. He was great but annoyed me and I found he was often rude to people who are different than him. He is a cookie cutter new jersey guy with a closed mind and it took me awhile to realize that. I stopped having sex with him after the older guy gave me a promise ring and told me if we can work through things, we would be able to have a life together.

Match.com and I broke it off and I am happy about that regardless. But now the older guy says that we have to rebuild trust before he will want to sleep with me. Before we used to have sex so much that I was tired most days from lack of sleep.

I am hoping he is being honest and it's not that he is no longer attracted to me. I have moved a lot of my stuff into his apartment because he doesn't trust me to sleep elsewhere with the exception of staying at my moms when I visit her. However, he does not want to live together so I continue paying rent where I do not sleep and am no longer having sex with him.

Is it possible that he is really just rebuilding trust? He also wants me to convert to Judaism through an orthodox conversion not that we would be orthodox, he just wants to be universally recognized and have what he says "jewish babies" so I am baffled right now and if you had time to read this whole thing and have any insight, please let me know.

I am convinced that it was the drugs and that he will not cheat again if we are to settle down. But I wonder why he was so into sex before and now its been nothing for over a month.

Add a Comment5 Comments

I am in my mid fifties and have been dating a man I met online for almost 3 years. In the beginning we saw each other once a week (he works Saturdays) and sex was outstanding. The second year we only saw each other twice a month and the third year it dropped to once a month, seemingly because of work schedules or other circumstances. Those few times we saw each other we rarely had any sex. I gave him bjs, but that was all there was and I started to feel rejected and unwanted. I know he has problems at work, he does look at porn a lot and that might all contribute, BUT: last time I saw him 3 weeks ago I left kind of hurt, because he would not even touch me or let me touch him and I wrote him a short email explaining that I felt sad that apparently he doesn't want me any longer. Since then no reply and no call. He knows where to find me.
So I am thinking about dating other men again hoping to find what I am looking for, yet 3 years is a long time and I do have feelings for him, he was always sweet and kind and worst of all he gave me so many gifts despite not being well off himself, so I feel sort of obliged but I can't wait forever. He said he wasn"t seeing anybody else and frankly I think he is too tired for that anyway, but then again who knows. I am a bit torn.

December 26, 2010 - 5:49am
(reply to Yamena2001)

I know it is hard to break up with someone, and yes---three years is a long time to be invested in someone, but three years is also not a lifetime!

You do need to go through a process of "letting go" of your relationship, and some of those stages are denial (he knows where to find me if he wants me), fear (feeling obliged to still be with him, even though he has made it clear he is no longer interested in the relationship), and then you can move onto to acceptance (dating other people, being OK with being without a partner and enjoying yourself more!). Feeling torn is a natural part of this process, and some ideas to make this breakup easier:
- Find support. Do you have friends or family you can talk with about your hurt feelings?
- Find joy. What do you LOVE to do? Have you been putting off trying a new hobby or interest because of the relationship? Now is a perfect time to try something new, or engage yourself in things you already love doing.

December 26, 2010 - 9:03am
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Hi Alison,
Thanks for your advice. Actually I don't even know if it's really over (denial I guess) but I suppose his silence speaks louder than words. I must add that he helped me a lot getting over a very nasty divorce when we started dating and was very sweet, it felt good to be respected and admired and the sex with him was the best I ever had (funny thing is that in the beginning I was afraid he only wanted me for sex, and in the end we didn't even have sex any more). However in all that time the most that he ever told me was that "he liked me very much" and that I was "as close to a girlfriend as possible". I am trying to develop an attitude of gratefulness, because now I am free to pursue a relationship with someone I might mean more to. I don't want to grow old alone. I know he has many problems and that might have been the cause of this relationship dying and I feel guilty that I was only thinking about my own needs, but hell, I have needs too. Lastly I would like to come back to the subject of the many gifts he gave me. I know he never expected anything in return, but it was all worth app. $2k and he might lose his job and I think I should give him the money back so I don't have to feel guilty any longer. I am struggling to get back on my feet but it won't exactly kill me either.

December 26, 2010 - 10:16am
(reply to Yamena2001)

I'm not sure about your motive: giving him gifts back so you don't feel guilty?

That is up to you if you feel like helping him out financially or not!

Good luck!

December 26, 2010 - 3:39pm

Hello NYCGirl

I am going to try to summarize your question, and I apologize for being a little blunt, but I think you need to hear it.

-Your boyfriend cheated on you, and you cheated on him, and now he refuses to trust you.
-Your boyfriend will not live with you but does not trust you to be away from him.
-This troubled relationship is costing you money, and you are getting no intimacy out of it, either.
-Your boyfriend is withholding intimacy but insists you convert to his religion.

Let me ask you this: What are you getting from this relationship? Why do you want to continue? If you can look in your heart and have a real reason other than fear of being alone, then I suggest you two enter couples counseling of some kind. You truly cannot build a relationship on a foundation of mistrust and controlling behavior, and that is what it sounds like you have here.

Telling you where you can spend your time and withholding intimacy are bad signs, as was your willingness to see someone else and not openly deal with it. Before you get into something that is hard to get out of like changing religions, marrying or having children, please get some counseling. This relationship seems to be on the verge of emotional abuse to me. We all need what we need from a relationship, and if we can't get what we need, it just won't work no matter how bad we want it to.

If you would like to discuss it further, please write again. Good luck.

July 5, 2010 - 1:21pm
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