Coping with a sick fiancee

By Anonymous April 19, 2014 - 7:03pm

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I live with fiancee, who I love deeply. Lately he's been dealing with massive stomach issues - and is already type 1 diabetic. He is in pain most of the day - to the point where he can't work, so we're forced to relocate across the country to where his family is (I don't mind the move, but I have other frustrations, read on..)

My issue is that I feel like I'm doing everything - which, I technically am. I understand he doesn't feel well most of the time - but it is frustrating that I'm orchestrating this whole move on my own. When he does feel somewhat ok - he's usually playing video games. It is frustrating because the doctors here in CA can't seem to figure out what the issue is. His diabetes doctors seems like she couldn't care less - not even asking why he was admitted into the ER twice (and she has the best reviews of any doc in the area.. go figure). The doctors at the ER also failed to tell us his urine had ketones and his blood sugar spiked to almost 500 while there. I seriously feel like doctors in CA don't know what they're doing - but that's another topic.

So, I'm frustrated - I don't know what to do or how to deal with my fiancee when he's feeling like this. If I try to assert myself and point out that it's not fair to me to put such a huge burden on me, but he gets angry with me. I do not mind taking care of him at all - but he kind of takes it a step beyond.

For example - when he's about to run out of his meds or the special foods he eats - I tell him to please tell me before he runs out, not when he's out. He just cannot seem to do this. Instead, he will wake me up out of a dead sleep, screaming at me that he's in pain and needs his meds, but they're at the pharmacy (which doesn't open for hours). He always apologizes when he feels better, but I don't know how I can keep going thru this every time it happens.

Anyone have any tips? I know this isn't him and it is totally the illness. Also, he is 25 and I am 29.

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Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your question and welcome to Empowher. It is always difficult dealing with a loved one who is ill. When you move closer to family, you will have additional help from family members so this is a good thing and at least you know that your full attention right now will come to an end soon. Others will be there to help you.

Think about things in a different sense, if you were sick - you would hope that he would help you - correct? It is in his best interest to let you know when his meds or food are about to run out but for now, you may need to pay closer attention and not wait for him to tell you. I know this seems like a ton more work on your end but this will help you and him.

Get yourself a calendar and jot down when his meds need to be refilled or when you need to buy more food. This will help you remember these things. Also reach out to family members or friends to help with your move. He may not be able to help right now but hopefully there will be an answer to his stomach issues and this won't last very long. I live by calendars myself and this helps with everything I need to remember.

Also remember that you are only one person. Reach out for assistance when you need it. Family and friends should already know that you are overloaded and to reduce your own stress - ASK. You will be amazed about how many people are willing to help you. I know none of this seems fair but you can always get help as long as you ask for it. Don't play Super Woman - as this will only cause you stress that could have been resolved with help from others.

I hope this helps and please reach out to others to take some stress off yourself. Best wishes and keep us posted.

Missie

April 20, 2014 - 6:42am

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Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Thank you for that reply - it does help a bit, however, I'm in a bad spot because I do not have any friends or family to help! I don't know his family at all - never spoke or even met them (and I'm moving in with them.. eek)

My friends are scattered all across the country - I'm not sure how to utilize them for any help :/ I've been trying to think of anything - the only help I can think of would be just listening to me vent if need be - and sometimes that's not very productive either!

The hardest times are like right now - I woke up to see he was in pain again. When he asks me things, sometimes I can't hear him because I'm already working on something (I've been planning this move and tying up loose ends), or I'm trying to relax by playing a game on my tablet. I have a hard time hearing sometimes, but he gets so angry at me when he feels he has to repeat himself. He's being exceptionally nasty to me today - screaming and yelling and throwing things, mad that I was "on my tablet" when he needed me to do something for him.

I don't know what kind of neuropathy he's dealing with - but his stomach is really hurting him bad. He has an endoscopy tomorrow so I hope that they figure out the problem and give him some meds that actually work for him! This started all of a sudden in February - before then, there were no major pain issues. When he feels ok he's super sweet - but when he's like this... I feel myself threatening to leave and I don't want it to be that way!

I'm hoping once we move and I have some help with this, that things will be easier.

April 21, 2014 - 11:47am