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Feeling Insecure in my relationship

By September 13, 2010 - 4:57am
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To be honest I was sexually taken advantage of as a young girl and through my years of experience in relationships. Men have lied and burned me in the end. My trust level is not very good and usually it takes time for me to fully trust my partner. I am seperated from my husband after 20 yrs of marriage. I made a choice to leave my husband as I was no longer in love with him and don't believe in hanging on for the kids sake. While seperated off and on the last 8 yrs, I have been seeing another man. I have always referred to him as "my lover" because he is who I go to for my sexual needs and affection. To make a long story short, I am in love with my boyfriend (lover) and could no longer live under my husbands roof and constantly wish I were with my boyfriend. So after all these yrs I finally left my husband for good and moved in perminatly with my bf. Here is my problem: I have cheated on men and they have cheated on me. I'm now going to be 40 and I want a healthy, faithful, loving relationship with one man. I have chosen my bf as he is the man that makes me tick. However, he demands things of me such as "you need to make a decsion and choose who you want to be with"? Or he has told me to not be double standard as to I don't like him having relations with women he has had past sex with but I'm okay with women he has always just been friends with and no sex or with his guy friends wife or girlfriends as long as the woman gives me respect and does not make passes at my bf. I have made friends with some of my bf guy friends but I don't hang out with them and go see a movie or talk to them everyday or email them all the time or call them and if I do usually my bf is right there listening or reading the email I'm sending out. My bf has a problem with me even being friendly to his guy friends and I feel that he is being ridiculous. I don't have any social networks I'm affiliated with and I have one email address I use and ymessenger to communicate with my exhusband and boyfriend. However my bf has many social networks and usernames, some I don't know and others I do. He has women and only women asking to be his friends online on Windows Live, Facebook, Ymessenger and I have seen them and read some of the emails or texts. My bf deny's there for him and deny's knowing the individual ymessenging him. I know a person can not have continued conversation with another unless you accept them and place them in your contacts. Ymessenger on Yahoo was to be just for me and him to communicate and lately I have seen many women sending invitations and a certain female holding conversations with him and definitly more then once. The messages or encoded so I can't read them entirely and it makes me suspicious and hurts my feelings. My bf has promised to close down his social networks (Windows Live, Facebook, Ivillage, Aim) and even though I have left my husband and live here now with my bf he still has not done what he promised. He is still talking to other women and trys to be sneaky about it but I know. He trys to use minipulation on me but it won't work anymore on me. I've seen him respond and read the messages but even if I put it in his face he denys it and then says I have a problem and need help. He wants for me to trust him or feel secure in our relationship but how can I when I have made the changes and sacrifices and he is still doing the same thing and lying to me on top of it. If he really wants this relationship with me then why would he jepordizes it by continuing to communicate to other women via internet or even phone video, webcame, etc. I don't have a cell phone so who is he talking to that calls him on phone video? When his phone receives them it tells him to connect to the server needed to view the videos and of course he lies to me and says he knows nothing about it and I'm messing with his phone. Just the other day I saw a message on his ymessenger from one of the girls I've seen sending him messages before. I read part of the message and other parts were encoded. He starts yelling after he ask me what is wrong. I don't say word but place his phone in front of him and point to her message. He then yells and says it is an advertisment but its not and then tells me he thinks its me messing with him or messing up his phone. I cant believe that I commite to him, move in with him, give my heart entirely to him, stay faithful and love him and he won't cut these ties with these women. I thought maybe he needs time as he is probably in shock. However I am hurting very bad inside and I want to believe he is faithful to me but he lays down nothing for me to feel secure about. I don't know what to do and I have tried calmly to talk to him to make him understand but he gets defensive, then trys to say what about you, and yells and tells me I'm tired of your accusations. He shares files, locations but with who cuz it is not me. He has ymessenger on when he is sitting right next to me and I'll hear it chime him to a message just received and he will act like he heard nothing. I just feel he is not being true to me and may be seeing someone else. I know that I cant handle this much longer as it is self torture. He does not seem interested in my feelings and maybe doesn't think I will leave him but I will if he continues to do this to me. For now what would you suggest I do and am I insecure or is he making me insecure?

Add a Comment4 Comments

Hi MiaBella

I'm going to be very direct with you, because I think you need to hear it. Your new life with your boyfriend is a result of the two of you having an extramarital affair. You say you've both been serial cheaters in the past, so honestly, it is not surprising that one or both of you would continue that kind of behavior. Think of it this way: If you meet someone in a bar, you likely have met someone who drinks, yes? When you are with someone from an extramarital affair, you are with someone who is okay with extramarital affairs.

It sounds like your life is starting to implode. I suggest you begin some kind of therapy or counseling. You clearly have issues to work out as you stated, and it sounds like you have left a relationship you didn't like for one that is probably not going to work if you expect monogamy. Ideally, this would be a good time for you to live by yourself and be self-reliant until you can straighten your head out. I don't know if you are financially able to do that, but even if you aren't you can find low cost counseling and you really could use it.

You don't mention your children at all. Do you have a relationship with them? Maybe if you can focus on them or your relationship with them it will take some of the pressure off of constantly thinking about the mess your new relationship has become. Focus on something positive, whatever it is, get some help, and avoid any new romantic entanglements until you can get your head straight.

I know this is a very hard road, and it is really demoralizing when you thought you were about to start a new happy life and it isn't working out. But you can control how you react to this situation. Hold your head up, get some help, and refuse to let this man or any other take advantage of you. Good luck to you.

September 13, 2010 - 7:05am
(reply to Cary Cook BSN RN)

Thank you for your oppinion and being direct. I will apply some of your advice and seek counceling. I have no job at this time but I am looking. Your probley right in all you said and it is hard to accept. I so badly wanted to be happy and to finally have a healthy, loyal relationship. Thanks again for commenting

September 28, 2010 - 3:07pm
(reply to MiaBella)

I don't know where you live, but in many places you can find sliding scale counseling, meaning the fee is adjusted according to your income. Around here that is usually organized by county, I'm not sure how that would be or where to look where you are.

Good luck. You can get through this. You are strong.

September 29, 2010 - 6:37am
(reply to Cary Cook BSN RN)

Hi Cary,

I wanted to give you an update on how things have been going. I stopped being concerned with the relationship issue's or lack of sex, etc. and started focusing on my priorities, responsabilities, my children, etc. I no longer bring up why we have less sex and I no longer search for answer's from him but I rather observe his actions. I stay silent and know that if I'm unhappy I can go. Nothing is keeping me here but me. Love is a controlable thing and even though it may hurt to walk away if that is what is needed then that is what I will do. I have taken back my power and know now that I don't need a man to complete me. Since the change in my attitude my boyfriend has came around alittle more in the sex department but still I deal with his disrespect towards me at times. All I know is once I get a job and if his disrespect continues I will silently plan to leave him. I think highly of myself and don't deserve to be treated like that and I won't live the rest of my life like that when there is a big world out there and opportunities are always around the corner. For now I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and not worrying if he is cheating or who is he texting or why is he guarding his cell phone, etc. I'm happier and sometimes I think it anger's him that he can't break me or hurt me or stop me from doing what I want. I love this site and all the help and oppinions of others. So that is the status and maybe your right it won't work because of how the relationship came about but at least I can say "I tried."

December 2, 2010 - 8:15pm
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