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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous July 20, 2009 - 1:30pm
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anon,


I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 25 years old. So my boyfriend LOVES sex lives, breaths and sleeps sex. We've been together 3 years. In his perfect world he'd have sex 3 times a day breakfast, lunch and dinner at least 5 days a week! Now as you may imagine I AM NOT A MACHINE!!! I on the other hand have a very low sex drive and I am turned on emotionally, If I feel good on the inside I can show it physically. This is something that my boyfriend does not understand at all. He says that sex has nothing to do with my emotional needs and that I am "selfish" and "stubborn" and depriving him of his "boyfriend" rights.

So with all this in mind I try twice a day at least 2 days a week. He still complains!!! The sex for me is now more like washing the dishes or hoovering, its not enjoyable as I MUST do it else there will be no peace in the house. I literally feel like am being RAPPED some of the time. In my perfect world I would like sex once or twice a week. I love my boyfriend and believe he loves me too hence why I have put up with all this. How can I make him see that there is more to the relationship than just sex? I wish he put in as much effort in the rest of our relationship as he does sex. He also says that I should be grateful he hasn't cheated on me as I am not meeting his needs according to his specifications.

He also has the idea that all other couples out there live, breath and eat sex so there's definitely something wrong with me. Is this the case? or Am I a mug?


June 15, 2012 - 9:32am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hey there,
I know this post may be a little old but I was in a situation similar to yours with someone who used me to fulfill selfish sexual pleasure I wasn't comfortable with fulfilling.
Honestly though, I do hope you found someone you can be more mentally and emotionally attached to. It actually aggravates me a bit to hear that he said YOU should be lucky he hadn't cheated on you. That's a pig for you. I'm an equalist and I admit comfortably that I have a low sex drive. I rarely have sex but when I do it's usually very passionate and sometimes goofy. I'm with someone who feels the same way as I do about sex. I love my boyfriend for who he is and his personality is much more attractive than his body ( not that he isn't attractive).
It's really about understanding and a connection that makes you feel emotionally well. Your emotions matter and no douche bag with a rodents sex drive should make you feel any different.
You're a person who matters and not some object to abuse.
That's exactly what that is, emotional and verbal abuse.
Love is out there for you, unfortunately it's not with this guy. He simply isn't mature enough for you. Never give up and please never allow someone to make you feel like something is wrong with you because of your low sex drive, unless there is real concern involved.
I wish you and your heart well.

March 21, 2015 - 10:37pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

it think you might be with the wrong person. if he really loves you he should be more understanding about that issue. i would suggest you to find a partner that meets your needs in terms of sex.
if you cant come up with a compromise about the amount of sex you have with your bf.
and remember, if someone tell you that you are "selfish" or "stubborn" or anything else it is because that person is having himself the exact problem.

December 29, 2014 - 5:01am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

He's abusive.

There is no such thing as "boyfriend privileges" its not like just because he is a "boyfriend" to a girl that he gets to sleep with her whenevr he wants. The fact that he calls you selfish because the way he tries to have sex with you doesnt work for you or because you cant put out everyday multiple times a day is abusive. It puts it in your head that youve done something wrong and you havent.

Many women experience sexual dysfunction at this age.

You cannot change him. He will only change if he wants to and clearly he doesnt think he needs to change because he sees it as your fault and as something he is entitled to.

This post is two years old I hope you have managed to leave him. he doesmt care about you and he probably wont ever, hes in i for himself.

November 4, 2014 - 2:14pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Your boyfriend sounds awful, really. I'm sorry to say it but he's treating you like a piece of meat he wants to bang all day and couldn't care less about your emotional needs. 

When both couples have a different sex drive, compromise is key. You're doing your best but he's not interested in understanding you at all. How does he know about other couples and how other people live - he's only 25, and has hardly a life of experience behind him. 

Does he date you, treat you well, hug and kiss you, take walks with you or sit and chat with you over dinner? Does he care about your health and your wellbeing? If not, he's nothing more than a jack rabbit wanting to have sex all day. Don't put up with that kind of ridiculous behavior anymore. 



October 20, 2014 - 5:32am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

want a real partnership in bd

January 3, 2015 - 7:35am

I am a 20 year old female and my sex drive is lost far far away. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and used to be long distance - where our sex was great. Now we live together and I feel so guilty because he always wants to have sex, and I WANT to, but my body will not cooperate. I am on Loestrin 24 Fe, the same birth control I was on as a teenager when my sex drive was at an extreme high. I also do not feel comfortable masturbating.. the thought of it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. This used to never be an issue for me and I am so young, I just want to please my boyfriend.

June 15, 2012 - 6:30am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to louise0820)

I hope you find this reply.
I'm 23, married for 2 years, and have zero sex drive with my husband and have zero interest in pleasing myself alone.
Have things changed for you since you posted this? Can you offer me any advice? I feel completely lost and I can't find anyone (that I know) who is going through the same thing as me.

Thank you..

May 22, 2013 - 12:57pm

Hi, I am a 21 year old female. I had a daughter 16 months ago (her father and I are still together, just not married.) I haven't been able to find the want to have sex. Don't get me wrong, we have our ups and downs, but I really love him and I want him to know that I love him. It's really stressful on our relationship. I feel like I should force myself to have sex with him, even if I don't want to, because it's my fault that I'm like this.

Whenever I try to explain to him what is going on with me, he insists that I'm lying and I just don't love him anymore. I really need help with this, because I don't believe our relationship will last much longer without the closeness of having sex. It has taken a large toll on us already.

I also feel extremely self conscious about this, I don't understand where the urge went. My other mommy friends say that nothing has changed with their libido, so am I just defective? Am I never going to find the desire ever again? Is there anything over the counter that I can take to help with this?

Please, and Thank you.

April 27, 2012 - 3:00pm
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