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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous July 20, 2009 - 1:30pm
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to haileyveeneman)

Red Flag he thinks your lying about your sexual dysfunction..

He doesnt understand how sex works for women.

Your body physically isnt responding to the desire to have sex. Thats not your fault, you arent defective. Its the equivalent to male erecritle dysfunction. You just cant get it up. The solution isnt easy you probably need Therapy.

Your partner is not respecting you or how difficult this situation is for you. Thats wrong...

November 4, 2014 - 2:27pm
Rosa Cabrera RN (reply to haileyveeneman)


A stressful relationship that is at a constant up and down can have a poor effect on your libido. Couple this with the added stress and exhaustion of having a child and some women would much rather have a good night's sleep than sex with their partner. Be honest with yourself-- if you truly do love him and are still attracted to him, find a babysitter one night. Dress up like you used to before having children, go out for the night and see if sparks fly! It can be hard on a new mom to find the time to separate being a mommy and being a woman.

All the best to you,


April 30, 2012 - 3:47am
EmpowHER Guest

I have similar problems to everyone on here!! I have been in. Relationship for 3 years and I do love him so much. I think he is absolutely beautiful but when we get into bed I just am not interested. I do not sleep very well so even though I don't want to have sex i find myself just lying there wide awake instead. I absolutely cannot stand oral sex which I know is a problem for him but even When we first met I couldn't stand oral sex but we still had a very active sex life. I have been feeling like this for about a year and a half now and feel guilty every day! I speak to my friends who at the same age as me but they find it bizarre and it turns into a joke!!!! HELP!

January 5, 2012 - 5:43am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You really do need to see a doctor about this. If your heart or lungs or legs weren't working properly, then you would see a doctor so this is the same thing. You may have a problem with your hormones or some other issue you are unaware of.

It may not get better on it's own so please see your doctor.



January 6, 2012 - 11:20am
EmpowHER Guest

I would say u should get ur hormones & thyroids checked out by specialists. I'm currently having the exact problem as a married 26yr. old. So , I know what ur going through.

November 15, 2011 - 1:38pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm 24 and married to a wonderful man we been married for two years now going on three I have polycystic ovarian diease and endometrious sux sense I'm so young. I have no period at all but I did use to have a good sex drive and now nothing I can't get off I give him sex cuz I feel bad that I'm not that into it it sux cuz we are close and have good communication what should I do what is wrong with me can anyone help

September 12, 2011 - 11:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

i dont feel like i can talk to anyone face to face about this but asking online seems easier.im 21. i have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now. it started off really good sex wise, i had a sex drive,was experimental and even initiated it, but somethings changed, he still wants it often and is easily turned on but i just dont want it anymore. we end up having sex because i feel guilty about saying no all the time and very rarely when i want it. we have had countless convos about him not asking 24/7 but he cant help it. i love him hes perfect in every other way. he feels neglected and i feel guilty. ive not had many partners and they werent anywhere near as good as my boyfriend. im more confident and comfortable than i have ever been. im about to leave my job and move in with him, working nearer there than my parents home and im really excited but a little nervous. any advice would be great. thanks

August 24, 2011 - 11:09am
Rosa Cabrera RN (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon,

It seems like you've just gotten tired of the routine of having sex. It's great that he still has the desire to have sex with you frequently but maybe all you need is something to spice it up. Consider role playing, using toys, you initiating it instead of him, being spontaneous-- the routine is what gets boring sometimes-- this doesn't mean that you don't love him, it's clear that you do. Sometimes we just need that spontaneity and excitement from the beginning of the relationship back.

Good Luck,


August 25, 2011 - 9:32am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm the same way, I'm 25 and have no sex drive, but what's werid is whenever I first meet someone and start dating them I will have a sex drive for about a month then its gone after that, and when I do have intercourse there's no effect for me with any of my previous partners, I am on birth control for going on 7 years, my bf who I have been dating off and on for 6 years, it really affects him. He does not feel right having sex with someone who in a since doesn't want/ care to have sex, cuz I don't really care if I do or don't.

August 22, 2011 - 7:58am

hello i am also 21 i have no sex drive i have felt like this for about 2 years . i also feel like i a "baggy and abit numb" downstairs, when we do have sex it seems to collect air then push it back out which causes alot of embarrassment i do feel him but not quite as much as i used to and i do get very wet which makes it quite hard for him not to slip about abit . i bought a kegl8 machine and i've been using it for nearly a year with not much change. i do have 2 children (3 and 1&ahalf) . i have body issues with my boobs due to feeding for 11 months. i find it had to start sex like asking him i have lost masses of confidence since having the kids. but my issues are makin our relationship very tense and stressful as he feels i dont try and dont care. i know i want sex but my body and brain dont seem to wanna talk to each other.
any help would be great thanks

August 18, 2011 - 6:26am
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