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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

Add a Comment51 Comments

Rosa Cabrera RN (reply to Anonymous)


How long have you felt this way? In order for you to enjoy cuddling and sex for that matter-- there must be a connection felt between you and your boyfriend. You could still be attracted to him but the stress that has been put on your relationship with the arguing lately could be the reason why sex has become more of a chore and decreased your sex drive-- do you think this could be it?

If you think it could be medically related-- have you ha a complete blood count done? Just to see if it could be anything hormonal?

Keep us posted!


April 25, 2011 - 5:52pm
search4answers (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Hmm.. I think I've felt like this for at the very least about 6 months...sadly. Everything you just said feels like it could be exactly whats going on... wow.
Any chance you have any advice as to why we keep fighting...and mor specifically why I seem to be the one who often picks majority of the fights? Sometimes I know if i say something it will cause an argument or at the very least agitate him...but I say it anyway? Other times I feel like it is absolutely justified for me to say w/e it is that I am saying but then mid fight I know that I am wrong but I just can't put an end to the fight admit Im wrong and make up...whhy??
Like I said before he truly is a good boyfriend... he deals with my craziness (the fighting)... he deals with the not having sex thing (but this is partly because he believes some of the cause is due to his actions as well as mine)... he will literally drop everything to ensure that I am happy (which sometimes just frustrates me bc I want him to be more assertive and 'manly' for lack of a better word)... and so on... so I just don't know what my deal is ? I feel so ungrateful, I should be thriulled to have someone like this in my life and I am , but no matter what theres always something-- do I just suck? or is there some root cause to all of this... ?
As to the medical comment- I have never really been checked out for this...but Im thinking I should really look into it now... I just feel like theres something wrong with me maybe medically.. maybe just emotionally idk but its crazy for a girl to not be happy with a guy as caring honest attentive and supportive as he is ..its just not right...ya know? (And I am not one of those girls that make her boyfriend out to be God, I do truly believe this ...and alot of the time I feel very undeserving to have someone like this who is so dedicated to me? I just don't want to lose him bc I can't overcome my issues, if we were to break up ideally I would love it to be just a mutual decision with no if ands or buts...but hey... I guess we would all want that now wouldnt we =//....BLA lol

I know theres probably no expert advice to this issue ...but honestly.. Ill take what I can get any outside genuine honest opinion is really all I am looking for. I just want to be good for him, and as good to him as he is to me. Why is this difficult- why do I always mess it up?

April 25, 2011 - 6:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to search4answers)

I read your description of your relationship and it sounds just like mine. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I love him, no doubt that I do. we do fight and I do start it. I throw little cheap shot comments at him about a situation in our past. I know it will upset him, but I can't stop myself. I, like you said, feel justified in doing it. but the reason I do is because I still resent him for that situation in our past. and even though I've agreed to continue with him, Im not completely over it. everyone tells me to get over it and I just can't. I love him and we're happy almost 100% of the time, it's just when I start these fights. I think now that we've become more serious, and Im still not over it, it may contribute to my lack of a sex drive. I mean, sis months ago, we weren't in love and I didn't care as much about that problem. sometimes I worry that Im not attracted to him anymore, but when I imagine being with anyone else, I know I don't want that. anyway, once we get going in bed, Im into it. it's just the getting started that's difficult.
you mentioned him not being so assertive and "manly". I like that too! my past lovers were all that way. we've talked about my inability lately and we want to fix it! I suggested him being more aggressive once in awhile. and spontaneous. something has to work cause Im not letting go! I hope this helps.

May 7, 2011 - 10:25am
EmpowHER Guest

I am a 21yr. Woman. With a 2 1/2 year old I have been with my loving boy friend for some time now. But we are having problems well really its me I have no sex drive al all he wants to have sex and I don't want any thing to do with it I mean I dread having sex. We have sex ever 2to 3 Weiss and I have to make my self.. he is doing well with this but I feel really bad I live him with all my heart and I want to have sex as much as he dose but I am having this problem.... what do I do..

March 30, 2011 - 10:13am

I too am having sexual issues. I am 21,I have been with my hubby for 4 years, married for 3. We have a 2 year old and a 9 mo old. At the start I was very sexually interested and after my first child its just gone down hill and i have no desire to even try to have sex or be turned on.I love my hubby and want to be intimate but getting going is the hardest part. Once i give in and let things happen i eventually get into it. But i actually dread the "getting started". Its really causing som strain bc my hubby feels regected. When i feel that its not him its just me. help

March 24, 2011 - 11:36am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Shandaann18)

Hi Shandaann

Thank you for your post. I think it may be very likely your hormones have not normalized since the births of your children. Are you still breastfeeding? If so, this may also contribute to lack of sexual desire as many women have experienced this "side effect" of nursing.

I think a hormonal check up is in order for you - there is help out there but you need to pinpoint the issue first. Getting this done is a good first step!

Good luck and please keep us posted!

March 28, 2011 - 11:57am
EmpowHER Guest

I am 21, a female, with zero sex drive, and I know why. I hate being female. I have always hated it, since I knew the difference. I don't know what to do. I am not an unattractive woman, but I am still a woman and I hate it. I have nothing against women as a gender. But I simply hate the fact that I AM a woman. However, there is nothing I can do about this. Any advice on how to change my perspective? I realize it may seem a stupid question as I am the only one who can change my perspective, but I see nothing good about me being a woman. I have only ever been looked down upon and abused because of it.

December 26, 2010 - 6:09am
Alison Beaver (reply to Anonymous)

You are not alone; I have met other women and men when I worked at a University that despised their given gender, and would do anything to be the opposite gender. It is called "transgender" and there are many options and resources available to you!

- You can find an expert in transgender issues at: American Psychological Association (APA): Transgender.

December 26, 2010 - 8:09am

Hi anonymous! You are very young and I consider it to be normal what you are describing. I had no sex drive either at your age (I am 49 now with a wonderful sex drive and a man who handles it with the same excitement I do). This is my suggestion: Explore your body! Do you feel sexual when alone? Do you touch yourself? If not, I think you probably want to start there. Get naked girl! Soothing music, maybe candles, a mirror for explorations, and a lotion you d spent time to find that leaves your skin smooth but that smells like pleasure to you. Then start slow, learn your body. "listen" to your body. Feel the different sensations that different parts of your body gives you when you touch it. Go over every little bit, between your toes, behind your knees, the palm of your hand.. dance in the candle light, rap yourself in a huge silk scarf and explore. Don't expect him to awaken your body. learn to love it first. Then...seduce him. If you want more advice you let me know...Chances are you might be as healthy and normal as the rest of us...

August 8, 2010 - 5:39am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to mhartofly)

I don't know if I'm the only one here that's male but I need advice for my woman & I. I love her tremendously & I know she loves me. We started out great, sex every few days. Now its been almost 2 months! We talk but it doesn't solve anything. I'm understanding more by reading these posts that it's not lack of desire, attraction or love but something else. I'm 37 & she is 20 but we have a great relationship!!!! She's my best friend & I love her, that's why I'm looking on here for answers.I don't want to force sex on her, I'll hate knowing it's forced & she'll end up resenting me & sex. We've considered ending things at one point but I truly would be lost without her. More her solution than mine. She works a lot, is going to school & is going army reserve in a few months too. I know she's stressed, I help her with school & everything else I can so that maybe one stressor but not the main problem in the big picture. I am not looking to change get into a pornstar or sex addict. I love being pleased by her but I equally if not more love pleasing her. Any advice for US would be so welcome. I sought your advice because of your mature reply & experience you shared! Please help?

February 19, 2013 - 9:15am
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