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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

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if anyone has anything insightful regarding the last person's "help" comment ...that is what people are looking for. not comments like "go see a dr"... Im sure anyone posting on here has considered that option already... we're all just looking for genuine heartfelt advice - something we can't get from people who know us personally.

April 25, 2011 - 5:28pm
Alison Beaver (reply to search4answers)

Hi search4answers,

Why can't you receive genuine heartfelt advice from people who know you personally...that would be the best option, as they do know you personally and can perhaps provide some valuable insight.

You are looking for answers, and I read through your previous posts. I was surprised at how you have put your boyfriend on a pedestal and are "so grateful" that your boyfriend "puts up with you". I am wondering if your unfair fighting techniques that you have described are stemming from this lopsided perspective that you have on your relationship. Perhaps a different perspective on what you offer to the relationship, that you are not "crazy" or "pick fights"...but rather, you have some opinions and feelings that need to be expressed, and perhaps you can find better ways of expressing them. Also, you may feel the need to "fight" or "yell" about your feelings if the receiver (your boyfriend) is not listening and hearing you in the way you need.

In other words: I doubt you are "all bad" and he is "all good".

So...if you take out of the equation your worry about you being attracted to him, sexual concerns and that you are lucky to have him (he is equally lucky to have you)...what you have is communication issues.

There are many, many resources on learning how to effectively communicate with your partner. There are equally the same number of resources to learn fair fighting techniques. However...you both would need to agree to commit to improving in these areas. Your boyfriend is not perfect, or you would not feel the need to start arguments or fights or go on the attack. You can be real with yourself and identify some possible reasons you feel backed in a corner and automatically go on the attack (it's usually because someone feels they are either going to be the victim or the attacker, so you would rather strike first to head off being the victim). It could be the way you relate to each other; it could be that neither one of you learned effective communication and fair fighting techniques. Either way, if you both want to improve this aspect of your relationship, it is wonderful bonding experience as well as promotes more trust and intimacy between you two....exactly what you are looking for, right?

I hope this helps!

May 8, 2011 - 6:52pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Some people. I know that my friends would make it a joke..I rather would turn it to internet cause personally I'm going through the same thing..all of it I just have no interest but I love the man dearly..and my friends don't help me much specially when I really need it

November 8, 2014 - 8:55pm
EmpowHER Guest

well...go see a docter and get check out =)

April 25, 2011 - 5:16pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am a 21 year old female, and I have been in a relationship for five years. I still masturbate every now and again, however when it comes to having sex I just don't want to, affection in general other than cuddling is akward for me all of sudden. I have never cheated on my boyfriend and as far as i know I don't believe hes cheated either lol. I just don't know whats wrong with me. Sometimes I say that its bc hes not aggressive or spontaneous and won't just take me when he has the urge b.c those are qualities that turn me on... other times people have suggested that maybe I am just not attracted to him anymore--- this is something I refuse to believe , bc why on earth would I stay with someone that I am not attracted to? Right? I know for a fact I could not picture my life without him, and I know for a fact there is not one other guy that I could possibly be interested in or attracted to for that matter...Another reason I sometimes attribute this to is that we fight an awful lot about insignifcant issues ? Is that why? and if it is why are we fighting all the time ( most of our fights in my opinion I feel like are my fault, like i pick the fights alot=/ but i cant stop it and i dont know why i do it !!) He is a fantastic guy and like i said I do not doubt my love for him even a little bit and when it comes to trust I honestly do not think that I trust anyone more than I trust him.... so what the heck is the problem?? HELP ME !

April 25, 2011 - 12:48pm
Rosa Cabrera RN (reply to Anonymous)


How long have you felt this way? In order for you to enjoy cuddling and sex for that matter-- there must be a connection felt between you and your boyfriend. You could still be attracted to him but the stress that has been put on your relationship with the arguing lately could be the reason why sex has become more of a chore and decreased your sex drive-- do you think this could be it?

If you think it could be medically related-- have you ha a complete blood count done? Just to see if it could be anything hormonal?

Keep us posted!


April 25, 2011 - 5:52pm
search4answers (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Hmm.. I think I've felt like this for at the very least about 6 months...sadly. Everything you just said feels like it could be exactly whats going on... wow.
Any chance you have any advice as to why we keep fighting...and mor specifically why I seem to be the one who often picks majority of the fights? Sometimes I know if i say something it will cause an argument or at the very least agitate him...but I say it anyway? Other times I feel like it is absolutely justified for me to say w/e it is that I am saying but then mid fight I know that I am wrong but I just can't put an end to the fight admit Im wrong and make up...whhy??
Like I said before he truly is a good boyfriend... he deals with my craziness (the fighting)... he deals with the not having sex thing (but this is partly because he believes some of the cause is due to his actions as well as mine)... he will literally drop everything to ensure that I am happy (which sometimes just frustrates me bc I want him to be more assertive and 'manly' for lack of a better word)... and so on... so I just don't know what my deal is ? I feel so ungrateful, I should be thriulled to have someone like this in my life and I am , but no matter what theres always something-- do I just suck? or is there some root cause to all of this... ?
As to the medical comment- I have never really been checked out for this...but Im thinking I should really look into it now... I just feel like theres something wrong with me maybe medically.. maybe just emotionally idk but its crazy for a girl to not be happy with a guy as caring honest attentive and supportive as he is ..its just not right...ya know? (And I am not one of those girls that make her boyfriend out to be God, I do truly believe this ...and alot of the time I feel very undeserving to have someone like this who is so dedicated to me? I just don't want to lose him bc I can't overcome my issues, if we were to break up ideally I would love it to be just a mutual decision with no if ands or buts...but hey... I guess we would all want that now wouldnt we =//....BLA lol

I know theres probably no expert advice to this issue ...but honestly.. Ill take what I can get any outside genuine honest opinion is really all I am looking for. I just want to be good for him, and as good to him as he is to me. Why is this difficult- why do I always mess it up?

April 25, 2011 - 6:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to search4answers)

I read your description of your relationship and it sounds just like mine. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I love him, no doubt that I do. we do fight and I do start it. I throw little cheap shot comments at him about a situation in our past. I know it will upset him, but I can't stop myself. I, like you said, feel justified in doing it. but the reason I do is because I still resent him for that situation in our past. and even though I've agreed to continue with him, Im not completely over it. everyone tells me to get over it and I just can't. I love him and we're happy almost 100% of the time, it's just when I start these fights. I think now that we've become more serious, and Im still not over it, it may contribute to my lack of a sex drive. I mean, sis months ago, we weren't in love and I didn't care as much about that problem. sometimes I worry that Im not attracted to him anymore, but when I imagine being with anyone else, I know I don't want that. anyway, once we get going in bed, Im into it. it's just the getting started that's difficult.
you mentioned him not being so assertive and "manly". I like that too! my past lovers were all that way. we've talked about my inability lately and we want to fix it! I suggested him being more aggressive once in awhile. and spontaneous. something has to work cause Im not letting go! I hope this helps.

May 7, 2011 - 10:25am
EmpowHER Guest

I am a 21yr. Woman. With a 2 1/2 year old I have been with my loving boy friend for some time now. But we are having problems well really its me I have no sex drive al all he wants to have sex and I don't want any thing to do with it I mean I dread having sex. We have sex ever 2to 3 Weiss and I have to make my self.. he is doing well with this but I feel really bad I live him with all my heart and I want to have sex as much as he dose but I am having this problem.... what do I do..

March 30, 2011 - 10:13am

I too am having sexual issues. I am 21,I have been with my hubby for 4 years, married for 3. We have a 2 year old and a 9 mo old. At the start I was very sexually interested and after my first child its just gone down hill and i have no desire to even try to have sex or be turned on.I love my hubby and want to be intimate but getting going is the hardest part. Once i give in and let things happen i eventually get into it. But i actually dread the "getting started". Its really causing som strain bc my hubby feels regected. When i feel that its not him its just me. help

March 24, 2011 - 11:36am
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