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Female Sexual Dysfunction Guide

Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

Add a Comment41 Comments

lucileball (reply to mhartofly)

I'm 18 and I have nonsex drive. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we have vowed to not have sex until we are married but we still hook up. the problem is I never feel the want too and he does. we both live with our parents and I am constanly worried about being caught. I want him and I love him I just loose any desire I have for him at the worst moments. do you think it can be hormonal? what advice can you give me?

February 22, 2011 - 9:31pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to lucileball)

Hi lucileball

Thanks for your post and welcome!

You may have an issue with your hormones - I think it's important that you mention a complete lack of sex drive to your doctor as this isn't normal at your age (upon saying that, I didn't have a sex drive at 18 either although it didn't bother me at all as I wasn't dating and I'm not quite sure what "normal" is in this respect).

I also think the fact that have made a pledge to remain a virgin till marriage may be an issue (that's a lot of pressure as you may not get married for another ten years or more) as well as constantly being afraid you'll be caught because you both live with your parents. All this added together can make anyone's sex drive diminish - especially stress.

Do you think your lack of sex drive is purely a biological thing - something that may be at issue with you - physically? Or do you think it also may be a cultural thing, combined with being young and still living at home?


February 23, 2011 - 12:20pm
shayx4x89 (reply to mhartofly)

thank you! i think u might be right! i dont feel so weird after all now thank u :)

November 24, 2010 - 5:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to mhartofly)

Hi... I saw one of you comments so I thought you might be a good person to ask for some advice. Okay so I'm 21 and I have been with my boyfriend for going on a year now. At first he wanted sex all the time and I wasn't really into it. Then after awhile now I want it like all the time and he usually never wants to do it. So I talked to him about it and he said it was because I don't get into it and I never start it. So here's my question... Do you have any advice on how to start sex. I am shy so I want it to be something easy. Like how do I let him know I want to have sex without telling him

August 23, 2010 - 10:21am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question!

I think honesty is the best policy here. If you are in a relationship and having sex (at least occasionally) then you should not have to "try to have sex with him without telling him" - that doesn't really make sense and is more game-playing than anything else. It doesn't sound you WANT to play games but that you feel you may HAVE to?

If this is the case, then there is more wrong than just sex - you two have a communication problem and talking it out is more important than trying to have sneaky sex!

Have a conversation with him about the changes you see in your relationship and see where it takes you. Keep us updated, ok?
My best to you,

November 22, 2010 - 12:52pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have the same problem but I am not taking any pill. I am 24 years old and I do not have any sex drive.

February 3, 2010 - 7:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

you all need to hook up with someone that knows what they're doing.

November 21, 2010 - 6:38pm
shayx4x89 (reply to Anonymous)

my bf deff knows what there doing it has nothing to do with his performance its the best i've ever had thats why im so conserned

November 24, 2010 - 5:50pm
Alison Beaver (reply to Anonymous)

Hi anon,
Can you tell us more about your situation?

Having a low or absent sex drive can be attributed to many things, and it is best to "rule out" the obvious first.
1. Do you currently have sexual partner(s)? If so, can you tell us more about this?
2. Do you have any medical conditions, or are you taking any medications?
3. How do you feel about your body in general? How do you feel about others seeing your body during intimate moments?

Have you always felt that you have an absent sex drive, or has someone commented negatively on your sex drive?

Are you able to become sexually aroused, including emotionally, mentally and physically?

The process of sexual arousal begins in our brains, and has as much to do with our thinking and feeling as it does the physical processes of arousal in our bodies. Knowing if you are concerned with not feeling or wanting to be intimate with someone, or if you are wanting to be but your body is not becoming physically aroused, are two important distinctions.

We look forward to hearing back from you!

August 8, 2010 - 7:31pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks so much for your question and welcome!

At age 21, you shouldn't be having these problems so let's see how we can help to get you back on track.

For dryness, you can always use a lubricant like astroglide or KY jelly. But this will just treat symptoms, it won't 'fix' anything.

Have you had your hormone levels checked? You may want to do this and also have your thyroid checked.

You are right - a bad diet can really affect your sex life/sex drive but since you say your diet has improved, and your sex drive has not, it may be something else.

Your birth control pill may also be a factor - give your new pill some time and see if there are changes in how you feel. Not all birth control pills work for all women.

Please ask for a complete check from your doctor, including blood work for what I talked about above (and get your iron levels checked too, anemia can cause a person to be constantly tired). Your sexual health is very important and when any aspect of your health is troubled, you need to get it seen to.

Will you update us?

July 22, 2009 - 12:39pm
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