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Female Sexual Dysfunction Guide

Rosa Cabrera RN

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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

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Hi anonymous! You are very young and I consider it to be normal what you are describing. I had no sex drive either at your age (I am 49 now with a wonderful sex drive and a man who handles it with the same excitement I do). This is my suggestion: Explore your body! Do you feel sexual when alone? Do you touch yourself? If not, I think you probably want to start there. Get naked girl! Soothing music, maybe candles, a mirror for explorations, and a lotion you d spent time to find that leaves your skin smooth but that smells like pleasure to you. Then start slow, learn your body. "listen" to your body. Feel the different sensations that different parts of your body gives you when you touch it. Go over every little bit, between your toes, behind your knees, the palm of your hand.. dance in the candle light, rap yourself in a huge silk scarf and explore. Don't expect him to awaken your body. learn to love it first. Then...seduce him. If you want more advice you let me know...Chances are you might be as healthy and normal as the rest of us...

August 8, 2010 - 5:39am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to mhartofly)

I don't know if I'm the only one here that's male but I need advice for my woman & I. I love her tremendously & I know she loves me. We started out great, sex every few days. Now its been almost 2 months! We talk but it doesn't solve anything. I'm understanding more by reading these posts that it's not lack of desire, attraction or love but something else. I'm 37 & she is 20 but we have a great relationship!!!! She's my best friend & I love her, that's why I'm looking on here for answers.I don't want to force sex on her, I'll hate knowing it's forced & she'll end up resenting me & sex. We've considered ending things at one point but I truly would be lost without her. More her solution than mine. She works a lot, is going to school & is going army reserve in a few months too. I know she's stressed, I help her with school & everything else I can so that maybe one stressor but not the main problem in the big picture. I am not looking to change get into a pornstar or sex addict. I love being pleased by her but I equally if not more love pleasing her. Any advice for US would be so welcome. I sought your advice because of your mature reply & experience you shared! Please help?

February 19, 2013 - 9:15am
lucileball (reply to mhartofly)

I'm 18 and I have nonsex drive. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we have vowed to not have sex until we are married but we still hook up. the problem is I never feel the want too and he does. we both live with our parents and I am constanly worried about being caught. I want him and I love him I just loose any desire I have for him at the worst moments. do you think it can be hormonal? what advice can you give me?

February 22, 2011 - 9:31pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to lucileball)

Hi lucileball

Thanks for your post and welcome!

You may have an issue with your hormones - I think it's important that you mention a complete lack of sex drive to your doctor as this isn't normal at your age (upon saying that, I didn't have a sex drive at 18 either although it didn't bother me at all as I wasn't dating and I'm not quite sure what "normal" is in this respect).

I also think the fact that have made a pledge to remain a virgin till marriage may be an issue (that's a lot of pressure as you may not get married for another ten years or more) as well as constantly being afraid you'll be caught because you both live with your parents. All this added together can make anyone's sex drive diminish - especially stress.

Do you think your lack of sex drive is purely a biological thing - something that may be at issue with you - physically? Or do you think it also may be a cultural thing, combined with being young and still living at home?


February 23, 2011 - 12:20pm
shayx4x89 (reply to mhartofly)

thank you! i think u might be right! i dont feel so weird after all now thank u :)

November 24, 2010 - 5:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to mhartofly)

Hi... I saw one of you comments so I thought you might be a good person to ask for some advice. Okay so I'm 21 and I have been with my boyfriend for going on a year now. At first he wanted sex all the time and I wasn't really into it. Then after awhile now I want it like all the time and he usually never wants to do it. So I talked to him about it and he said it was because I don't get into it and I never start it. So here's my question... Do you have any advice on how to start sex. I am shy so I want it to be something easy. Like how do I let him know I want to have sex without telling him

August 23, 2010 - 10:21am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question!

I think honesty is the best policy here. If you are in a relationship and having sex (at least occasionally) then you should not have to "try to have sex with him without telling him" - that doesn't really make sense and is more game-playing than anything else. It doesn't sound you WANT to play games but that you feel you may HAVE to?

If this is the case, then there is more wrong than just sex - you two have a communication problem and talking it out is more important than trying to have sneaky sex!

Have a conversation with him about the changes you see in your relationship and see where it takes you. Keep us updated, ok?
My best to you,

November 22, 2010 - 12:52pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have the same problem but I am not taking any pill. I am 24 years old and I do not have any sex drive.

February 3, 2010 - 7:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

you all need to hook up with someone that knows what they're doing.

November 21, 2010 - 6:38pm
shayx4x89 (reply to Anonymous)

my bf deff knows what there doing it has nothing to do with his performance its the best i've ever had thats why im so conserned

November 24, 2010 - 5:50pm
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