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Female Sexual Dysfunction Guide

Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to search4answers)

I read your description of your relationship and it sounds just like mine. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I love him, no doubt that I do. we do fight and I do start it. I throw little cheap shot comments at him about a situation in our past. I know it will upset him, but I can't stop myself. I, like you said, feel justified in doing it. but the reason I do is because I still resent him for that situation in our past. and even though I've agreed to continue with him, Im not completely over it. everyone tells me to get over it and I just can't. I love him and we're happy almost 100% of the time, it's just when I start these fights. I think now that we've become more serious, and Im still not over it, it may contribute to my lack of a sex drive. I mean, sis months ago, we weren't in love and I didn't care as much about that problem. sometimes I worry that Im not attracted to him anymore, but when I imagine being with anyone else, I know I don't want that. anyway, once we get going in bed, Im into it. it's just the getting started that's difficult.
you mentioned him not being so assertive and "manly". I like that too! my past lovers were all that way. we've talked about my inability lately and we want to fix it! I suggested him being more aggressive once in awhile. and spontaneous. something has to work cause Im not letting go! I hope this helps.

May 7, 2011 - 10:25am
EmpowHER Guest

I am a 21yr. Woman. With a 2 1/2 year old I have been with my loving boy friend for some time now. But we are having problems well really its me I have no sex drive al all he wants to have sex and I don't want any thing to do with it I mean I dread having sex. We have sex ever 2to 3 Weiss and I have to make my self.. he is doing well with this but I feel really bad I live him with all my heart and I want to have sex as much as he dose but I am having this problem.... what do I do..

March 30, 2011 - 10:13am

I too am having sexual issues. I am 21,I have been with my hubby for 4 years, married for 3. We have a 2 year old and a 9 mo old. At the start I was very sexually interested and after my first child its just gone down hill and i have no desire to even try to have sex or be turned on.I love my hubby and want to be intimate but getting going is the hardest part. Once i give in and let things happen i eventually get into it. But i actually dread the "getting started". Its really causing som strain bc my hubby feels regected. When i feel that its not him its just me. help

March 24, 2011 - 11:36am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Shandaann18)

Hi Shandaann

Thank you for your post. I think it may be very likely your hormones have not normalized since the births of your children. Are you still breastfeeding? If so, this may also contribute to lack of sexual desire as many women have experienced this "side effect" of nursing.

I think a hormonal check up is in order for you - there is help out there but you need to pinpoint the issue first. Getting this done is a good first step!

Good luck and please keep us posted!

March 28, 2011 - 11:57am
EmpowHER Guest

I am 21, a female, with zero sex drive, and I know why. I hate being female. I have always hated it, since I knew the difference. I don't know what to do. I am not an unattractive woman, but I am still a woman and I hate it. I have nothing against women as a gender. But I simply hate the fact that I AM a woman. However, there is nothing I can do about this. Any advice on how to change my perspective? I realize it may seem a stupid question as I am the only one who can change my perspective, but I see nothing good about me being a woman. I have only ever been looked down upon and abused because of it.

December 26, 2010 - 6:09am
Alison Beaver (reply to Anonymous)

You are not alone; I have met other women and men when I worked at a University that despised their given gender, and would do anything to be the opposite gender. It is called "transgender" and there are many options and resources available to you!

- You can find an expert in transgender issues at: American Psychological Association (APA): Transgender.

December 26, 2010 - 8:09am

Hi anonymous! You are very young and I consider it to be normal what you are describing. I had no sex drive either at your age (I am 49 now with a wonderful sex drive and a man who handles it with the same excitement I do). This is my suggestion: Explore your body! Do you feel sexual when alone? Do you touch yourself? If not, I think you probably want to start there. Get naked girl! Soothing music, maybe candles, a mirror for explorations, and a lotion you d spent time to find that leaves your skin smooth but that smells like pleasure to you. Then start slow, learn your body. "listen" to your body. Feel the different sensations that different parts of your body gives you when you touch it. Go over every little bit, between your toes, behind your knees, the palm of your hand.. dance in the candle light, rap yourself in a huge silk scarf and explore. Don't expect him to awaken your body. learn to love it first. Then...seduce him. If you want more advice you let me know...Chances are you might be as healthy and normal as the rest of us...

August 8, 2010 - 5:39am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to mhartofly)

I don't know if I'm the only one here that's male but I need advice for my woman & I. I love her tremendously & I know she loves me. We started out great, sex every few days. Now its been almost 2 months! We talk but it doesn't solve anything. I'm understanding more by reading these posts that it's not lack of desire, attraction or love but something else. I'm 37 & she is 20 but we have a great relationship!!!! She's my best friend & I love her, that's why I'm looking on here for answers.I don't want to force sex on her, I'll hate knowing it's forced & she'll end up resenting me & sex. We've considered ending things at one point but I truly would be lost without her. More her solution than mine. She works a lot, is going to school & is going army reserve in a few months too. I know she's stressed, I help her with school & everything else I can so that maybe one stressor but not the main problem in the big picture. I am not looking to change get into a pornstar or sex addict. I love being pleased by her but I equally if not more love pleasing her. Any advice for US would be so welcome. I sought your advice because of your mature reply & experience you shared! Please help?

February 19, 2013 - 9:15am
lucileball (reply to mhartofly)

I'm 18 and I have nonsex drive. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we have vowed to not have sex until we are married but we still hook up. the problem is I never feel the want too and he does. we both live with our parents and I am constanly worried about being caught. I want him and I love him I just loose any desire I have for him at the worst moments. do you think it can be hormonal? what advice can you give me?

February 22, 2011 - 9:31pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to lucileball)

Hi lucileball

Thanks for your post and welcome!

You may have an issue with your hormones - I think it's important that you mention a complete lack of sex drive to your doctor as this isn't normal at your age (upon saying that, I didn't have a sex drive at 18 either although it didn't bother me at all as I wasn't dating and I'm not quite sure what "normal" is in this respect).

I also think the fact that have made a pledge to remain a virgin till marriage may be an issue (that's a lot of pressure as you may not get married for another ten years or more) as well as constantly being afraid you'll be caught because you both live with your parents. All this added together can make anyone's sex drive diminish - especially stress.

Do you think your lack of sex drive is purely a biological thing - something that may be at issue with you - physically? Or do you think it also may be a cultural thing, combined with being young and still living at home?


February 23, 2011 - 12:20pm
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