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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous July 20, 2009 - 1:30pm
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low libido in young women

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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. I have low libido for a young woman. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do? Why is there low libido in young women?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

it think you might be with the wrong person. if he really loves you he should be more understanding about that issue. i would suggest you to find a partner that meets your needs in terms of sex.
if you cant come up with a compromise about the amount of sex you have with your bf.
and remember, if someone tell you that you are "selfish" or "stubborn" or anything else it is because that person is having himself the exact problem.

December 29, 2014 - 5:01am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

He's abusive.

There is no such thing as "boyfriend privileges" its not like just because he is a "boyfriend" to a girl that he gets to sleep with her whenevr he wants. The fact that he calls you selfish because the way he tries to have sex with you doesnt work for you or because you cant put out everyday multiple times a day is abusive. It puts it in your head that youve done something wrong and you havent.

Many women experience sexual dysfunction at this age.

You cannot change him. He will only change if he wants to and clearly he doesnt think he needs to change because he sees it as your fault and as something he is entitled to.

This post is two years old I hope you have managed to leave him. he doesmt care about you and he probably wont ever, hes in i for himself.

November 4, 2014 - 2:14pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Your boyfriend sounds awful, really. I'm sorry to say it but he's treating you like a piece of meat he wants to bang all day and couldn't care less about your emotional needs. 

When both couples have a different sex drive, compromise is key. You're doing your best but he's not interested in understanding you at all. How does he know about other couples and how other people live - he's only 25, and has hardly a life of experience behind him. 

Does he date you, treat you well, hug and kiss you, take walks with you or sit and chat with you over dinner? Does he care about your health and your wellbeing? If not, he's nothing more than a jack rabbit wanting to have sex all day. Don't put up with that kind of ridiculous behavior anymore. 



October 20, 2014 - 5:32am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

want a real partnership in bd

January 3, 2015 - 7:35am

I am a 20 year old female and my sex drive is lost far far away. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and used to be long distance - where our sex was great. Now we live together and I feel so guilty because he always wants to have sex, and I WANT to, but my body will not cooperate. I am on Loestrin 24 Fe, the same birth control I was on as a teenager when my sex drive was at an extreme high. I also do not feel comfortable masturbating.. the thought of it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. This used to never be an issue for me and I am so young, I just want to please my boyfriend.

June 15, 2012 - 6:30am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to louise0820)

I hope you find this reply.
I'm 23, married for 2 years, and have zero sex drive with my husband and have zero interest in pleasing myself alone.
Have things changed for you since you posted this? Can you offer me any advice? I feel completely lost and I can't find anyone (that I know) who is going through the same thing as me.

Thank you..

May 22, 2013 - 12:57pm

Hi, I am a 21 year old female. I had a daughter 16 months ago (her father and I are still together, just not married.) I haven't been able to find the want to have sex. Don't get me wrong, we have our ups and downs, but I really love him and I want him to know that I love him. It's really stressful on our relationship. I feel like I should force myself to have sex with him, even if I don't want to, because it's my fault that I'm like this.

Whenever I try to explain to him what is going on with me, he insists that I'm lying and I just don't love him anymore. I really need help with this, because I don't believe our relationship will last much longer without the closeness of having sex. It has taken a large toll on us already.

I also feel extremely self conscious about this, I don't understand where the urge went. My other mommy friends say that nothing has changed with their libido, so am I just defective? Am I never going to find the desire ever again? Is there anything over the counter that I can take to help with this?

Please, and Thank you.

April 27, 2012 - 3:00pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to haileyveeneman)

Red Flag he thinks your lying about your sexual dysfunction..

He doesnt understand how sex works for women.

Your body physically isnt responding to the desire to have sex. Thats not your fault, you arent defective. Its the equivalent to male erecritle dysfunction. You just cant get it up. The solution isnt easy you probably need Therapy.

Your partner is not respecting you or how difficult this situation is for you. Thats wrong...

November 4, 2014 - 2:27pm
(reply to haileyveeneman)


A stressful relationship that is at a constant up and down can have a poor effect on your libido. Couple this with the added stress and exhaustion of having a child and some women would much rather have a good night's sleep than sex with their partner. Be honest with yourself-- if you truly do love him and are still attracted to him, find a babysitter one night. Dress up like you used to before having children, go out for the night and see if sparks fly! It can be hard on a new mom to find the time to separate being a mommy and being a woman.

All the best to you,


April 30, 2012 - 3:47am
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