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Relationships & Family Guide

Cary Cook BSN RN

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ask: Im scared to lose him.

By Sydney95
 
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Hey, I know my boyfriend since august 2008. We have been together since march 2010. When ever I feel that I have to make him sad or I want a problem to happen I always find a way and make up a fight. This realy makes him sad and I even come to the point where I want to break up with him. But im doing this all to my self. I dont want to lose him, I love him. But I cant do without starting a problem either. I want to be with him forever but It doesnt work, I allways find a way to find. I want him to run after me when we have fights. thats the issue. Help . Thank you .

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Sydney95

Thank you for you help. This site is realy good to help peoples issues! Im glad that I found this site randomly, I thought this site would cost money, so I was going to lave the site but when I saw other people answwering issues I thought maybe I'll try.

With my boyfriened, theres this thing. I dont understand I dont trust him and I think I never will. But I know I love him I want to prove him I still love him Even if i dont trust him.. He said to me If you dont trust me It wont work. He is serious with me and I want to be serious tooo. When he says nice things and wants and acts to be serious I always think his lying, his going to cheat on me, his going to leave me. Theres this thing with his face and this feeling I have inside. I feel that were both going to be together forever, its a different feeling its like I can see my future with him. But then when I think of him having lots of girlfriends from before in the past I thnk negative and it starts all over again.

October 19, 2010 - 7:04pm
Christine Jeffries (reply to Sydney95)

I really believe that something inside of you is prohibiting you from being truly happy in this relationship. It would only benefit you to work on figuring that out, either by enlisting you boyfriend's help like the one reader suggested, or by seeking counseling to assist you in your path. Currently, as mentioned before, your relationship sounds very conflicted and unhealthy.
I know it can be hard to handle the feelings of jealousy when you think about a lover's past. You know in your head they were with others. But like you may have had lovers in the past too, you didn't know them then, so it's not fair to project bad feelings about it. Hope that makes sense. Take heart that whatever happened in the past lead him to you. It is your time now to either more forward with him, or move on. It's your choice, but this back and forth is only perpetuating the bad feelings on your part, and no doubt eventual frustration on your boyfriend's end.
I read a book a long time ago that may sound familiar and help you recognize some patterns you're seeing in your life, it's called, "Toxic People." There may even be some other books with similar titles that may help you. You can find them in the self-help section of most bookstores or in online book stores.
Good luck, and let us know if this is helping or how else we can help you work through this. Bear in mind we're not doctors or therapists, but we have life experience that may be beneficial to you.

October 20, 2010 - 1:26pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I used to do the same thing when I was younger. Sometimes when we really do like someone we dont know how to have a functional / and healthy relationship. Most of the time this comes from relationships we have had in our past ...it could have been a relationship with a parent, or an ex. Just know this if you are trying to upset the relationship and make him cry or breakup with him to get a reaction out of him (such as him chasing you) then you are causing unnessessary stress on you, him, and the relationship itself. Whats the pay off...you get attention. But its negative. Don't you want attention but in a positive way. If you want him to show you he cares....dont hurt him.....be kind to him, say nice things, love him. Try starting over today and begin a healthy relationship. Catch yourself when you feel yourself starting to make drama. Tell yourself.....ok here i go again...things must be to normal and healthy and so im going to cause drama. Then stop and redirect yourself. The only way to change this habit is to practice the opposite. Just like you are used to drama....you will get used to a healthy realtionship in time. Remember you and he both deserve to be loved and treated kindly. Maybe someone didnt treat you kindly before and so you are used to the drama. You might feel comfortable in it because it is farmilar. But you deserve better. Start making changes....and I suggest you talk to this man if you love him. Tell him you discovered this about yourself and you are going to make changes starting today. Then ask him for his help. If he loves you he will be glad to hear you have recognized your problem and that you are going to work on it. He will probably help you. Like he could say hey honey here you go again causeing drama to get a reaction....instead of breaking up with me to know I love you and will chase you ....how about I just tell you I love you now. One more thing....good for you for seeking out answers and for admiting you have a issue. thats the first step in changing and becoming a better person and girlfriend. Lots of love and good luck.

October 19, 2010 - 1:04pm
Christine Jeffries (reply to Anonymous)

I agree with what you said. It also may be a good idea for her too to talk with a therapist. I know that may be scary, but this may be really hard work to take on alone or just with the boyfriend. A therapist is trained in helping you learn healthier ways to react, and healthier habits to help you move forward more smoothly. Many times, these sessions can be covered by insurance at minimal cost to you. Just think about it. In the meantime, everything else suggested is good to try and practice.

October 19, 2010 - 1:10pm
Christine Jeffries

Hi Sydney95,
Thank you for your question and for finding EmpowHER. What you describe in your relationship doesn't sound very healthy. Why do you want to make fights with him? Are you bored with the relationship? I don't think it's good to want to hurt or make sad someone you claim to love. Have you told this to a doctor? It may be helpful to visit with a therapist to try and figure out what in you makes you crave the drama? Until you do that, the pattern potentially could keep repeating. I know you don't want that since you asked the question. Until you figure it out, I think you and your boyfriend are being treated poorly. You deserve to be comfortable and happy in your relationship without the drama. You can get to that place with a little work. Please let us know if you need further direction to find a provider in your area, or how else we can try to help you.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

October 19, 2010 - 1:04pm
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