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my boyfriend never has sex with me anymore!!!!!

By March 24, 2010 - 6:03pm
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me and my boyfriend have been together for four years. when we first started dating we had sex alot now he never wants it. he always says later and never does it. im 18 and hes 23. hes still young and should want to have sex. he always says hes to tired or isnt feeling good. we moved a year ago across country but this has been in the last 9 months. i dont think hes cheating because he works during the day and never goes anywere at night unless its with me. i just dont know what to do i really love him but we only do it once a month if even that. please give me your opinion on my situation. thanks!

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How do u delete these threads!?

August 30, 2013 - 6:57am
HERWriter Guide (reply to xxxSmurfiie92xxx)

Hi there!

Threads cannot be deleted; if a person wants their name off their posts, then they can delete their accounts and their posts will become anonymous and cannot be traced. I don't see anything from you on this thread.



August 30, 2013 - 11:45am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend is the same way now. I am 19 and he is 22. We first had sex a year ago. I was a virgin. He had had sex one time prior to this. I am lucky to have sex one every month or two. I try to "pleasure" myself, but its gotten to the point that i am so ashamed to even become aroused because I feel it is wrong. He tells me that he just has no sexual drive and its true, I believe. He gets erections sometimes, but he never wants to go farther than a peck on the cheek. We have a wonderful relationship besides this, but it hurts so bad because he doesn't want me the way I want him. We are more best friends and room mates than anything. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and hopefully it will help, but I have never felt so degraded as last week when he told me I needed to see a therapist because I wanted sex so much. I ask for it maybe one every two weeks. I just don't understand. I am 5'6 and 130 pds. I am not overweight. I am average looks. So is he. He isn't more attractive than me in any way. He doesnt want anybody sexually. It's just aggravating and he tells me that if I want to be with him I need to get over it.

April 13, 2010 - 12:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

My boyfriend is the same way. He makes me feel terrible about myself. Like, I'm just not attractive in any way. It breaks my heart that he can't see how it's effecting me. And sometimes i feel like he just doesn't care. And it makes him feel better about myself. I told him just last night that we have sex maybe once a month. And instead of being understanding about my feelings and trying to have a conversationab out it, he tells me i should find someone else if i camt handle it. Its been four years together. I'm 27. I feel like me begging for sex since i was 23 is pathetic. Idk what i should do anymore. I ask for nothing except for sex. And i pay for everything. Literally like we are roommates and hes the one who just sits on his ass. If anything i feel like i deserve sex.

April 26, 2016 - 6:18am
(reply to Anonymous)


Thanks for your question, and welcome to EmpowHer.

I'm very glad that you're going to see a therapist, Anon, though I'm happy for a different reason than your boyfriend may be. I'm happy that you will have an objective third party to talk to about this. I suspect that soon you will find that you are just a fairly normal person with a fairly normal sex drive and that there is nothing at all wrong with the way you are.

Please do not be ashamed because you are aroused. Please do not let yourself start believing that to want to have sex with your significant other is wrong. It's not wrong. It's a natural part of a loving relationship. There is nothing wrong with you at all.

At 19 and 22, it would be normal for both of you to be interested in sex on even a daily basis.

You can't let him say things to you that make you feel degraded. You're beginning to believe what he says on this issue about yourself, and it's going to hurt your self esteem and your confidence.

If he has no sex drive, he may have low testosterone levels. Especially at 22. But if he doesn't want to admit there may be a problem, get it checked out or meet you halfway, I'm afraid that there's nothing you can do to change that. I know you feel you have a wonderful relationship besides this, and that's important. But you have to ask yourself if you are willing to be in this kind of a relationship long-term.

He seems to be fine with the lack of sex. As long as he feels that way -- and tries to make you feel like there's something wrong with you when there isn't -- I don't see much of a possible solution.

Do you feel like there's any possibility he could change on this issue?

And how did the therapy go?

April 14, 2010 - 9:30am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

It went well. His therapist told him that he should meet me half way on this and that his testosterone levels are most likely extreemly low. He has seemed to be more willing about this. I hope it lasts because I don't really want to give up sex at 19. Lol. Hopefully they can find him some type of supplement to increase his levels. She said it most likely had to do with the fact that he was on anit-depressants for three years. The last year and a half the only reason he has stayed on them was because he was addicted to them, but this summer his therapist will be working on weaning him off of them so maybe that, in addition to a supplement, will help increase his sex drive. He also finally admitted to me that sometimes he only said those things to me because he himself felt like there was something wrong with him and it was bothering him so much. So hopefully we are on our way to a better sex life. Not to mention it helps our communication to finally get this out of the way and eliminates stress. I'd suggest to any girl having this problem to try and get her partner to see a therapist. There is nothing wrong with it and it helps a lot.

April 14, 2010 - 11:42pm
(reply to Anonymous)


This is wonderful news. It sounds like it was a huge breakthrough, both for your boyfriend and for your relationship. Yes yes yes, anti-depressants cause a loss of libido and it's very hard to deal with. Perhaps I should have asked if he was taking them, because it is so common of a side effect.

Good luck on the better communication and on the outcome of the testosterone testing and possible supplementation. Sounds like you two have found the right path, even if it's a slow one.

April 16, 2010 - 9:16am


Welcome to EmpowHer! And thanks for your question.

You and your boyfriend have been together since you were 14 and he was 19. First, I need to say that it's a crime to have sex with a girl who's under age 16, even if she consents to it. Did you know this, Ava? I'm sure your boyfriend did, and it is upsetting that he wouldn't wait for you to turn of age.

But another issue with starting a serious relationship at 14 and 19 is that things just change over time, people grow. Those ages are young, before people truly begin to know themselves. You two have recently moved, he's working at a job and is tired at night. Neither of you probably have many friends because it's a new place and you're away from family and old friends, right?

Do you work? Do you go to school? What is your daily life like?

Do you think internet porn may be a factor? It is in many relationships these days.

Do you think he may be suffering from depression? Has he lost interest in other things that he used to be interested in?

Do the two of you have goals together?

Tell us a little more about your situation. Maybe we can help you figure something out.

March 26, 2010 - 9:19am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

we both work 40 hr a week. dont think hes depressed and he doesnt get on the internet much. and it may seem to be that way but it wasnt we waited a long time before we even has sex. i dont have alot of friends but he has some but doesnt hang out with them alot. i hope this helps u help me.

March 30, 2010 - 2:47pm

my boyfriend is the same way, have you tried asking wtf is wrong?,jk, i am in the same boat. It sucks...

March 25, 2010 - 11:39pm
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