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My husband isn't attracted to me.

By Anonymous March 25, 2010 - 1:08pm
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I'm An Attractive Young Woman Who Just Got Married 2 Months Ago.
We didn't have sex before our marriage since we werent raised that way. Even during our engagement he wasn't very affectionate. No kissing, hugging or touching. I kept making excuses saying maybe it was just difficult for him since we couldnt take it any further. I expected things to get better after we got married but we've only had sex a handful of times and mostly when he was drunk.
I asked him about this once and he made excuses saying he was under a lot of pressure... i feel so rejected and am so hurt... what do i do?

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi, so I thought I'd post back and let you all know what's been going on. I tried my damnest and did everything possible to fix this situation. But nothing seemed to be working, our sexlife was non-existant. I was lonely, hurt and humiliated. But neverhteless I believed everything he told me, all the excuses and explenations. Even though i knew better, I stayed with him. Near the end I had half convinced myslef that this is because of me, that somehow this is my fault.

After almost 2 years in this relationship I found out he had someone else all along. Someone he had been dating for 3 years before we met and who he justkept seeing.
So im writing this in the hope that maybe someone else out there is reading this, someone who just needs some prespective.
I would like to save you the pain I went through.
Let me tell you, it's all a bunch of crap. With the exeption of a few oddeties it's really kind of smiple: If he's not sleeping with you, he's sleeping with someone else.

I've left him and I feel happy again. My confidence is restored and I finally feel free.
Don't let anybody steal your identity and your confidence.
A relationship just shouldn't be this hard.

Hope my expirience helps you somewhat.

July 13, 2011 - 12:34pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thank you so much for this update even though it's horrible that he was cheating but also great that you freed yourself from all that.

We do suggest to some of our readers that their partners may be cheating but it's not something many women want to face. I hope your story helps other women to see that it's a possibility that happens in real life, and quite often at that.

Again, best of luck to you in your brand new career as a happy, confident and peaceful woman. It's about time, right?


July 13, 2011 - 1:20pm


It's been about a month since you wrote. How are things going? Has there been any change? Have the things you wrote about and the answers you received changed the way you see anything?

How are you feeling about things?

April 26, 2010 - 10:23am
EmpowHER Guest

Anon, let him know your life...your daily activities, schedule, plans....are going somewhere....he will catch on the great and beautiful wife he's got. Also be careful of thinking...the "i will be happy when we, when i, when he..." BECAUSE we can always make the best of our reality, you don't want to not enjoy your life with him just for this or that. I'M NOT minimizing your problems, I'm trying to tell you focuses on other areas, let him see this life together feels right and it's going to work out. Go back to the things that made you both commit to each other. Use your religion, friends and family to bring you both closer. I can't believe you married someone who doesn't like to cuddle! But hopefully he just feels like he can't even think about love-life because he's focused on getting you guys out of the place. Either way stay busy, focused, and very positive. Control your emotions. Don't say nasty things to him like, "I can't believe I married you."
Take care and always be happy, realize we are designed to keep setting goals, and better conditions for ourselves...but still we must learn to enjoy and make the best of our present life.

April 18, 2010 - 8:26am

Dear Anon,
I would like to tell you the you are not alone in this problem you are experiencing. I am currently going through the same thing with my boyfriend of two years. We used to have sex all the time and now he is just not interested. He is stressed and has alot going on. But I know exactly how you feel, no matter what the issue is it makes you feel undesirable, not sexy and like he isnt attracted to you.

I am not an expert by any means but as a woman going through the same situation I would like to give my input. I hear alot of negative things he has been saying and doing to you. The whole no affection thing I know is hard too. You just want to feel loved and appreciated like you feel you do for him. It seems like he doesnt even consider your feelings. Saying that he is just not loveydovey and never will be. Sounds like he isnt willing to change or even try for the sake of your feeling. Now im not married but ANY relationship especially marriage is about compromise and communication. If you keep talking to him and he keeps giving you the same answers I think you may need to try and get him to go see a counselor. Let him know exactly how bad he is hurting you and how frustrated you are and let him know that if he cares about ur marriage at all he will do that for you. I understand the stress factor but counseling could help him manage his stress and deal with it better so it doesnt affect you and your relationship so much. I hope this helps some. I know ur frustration, try and hang in there like im doing. Its rough I know but hopefully things will get better. Best of Luck.

April 12, 2010 - 2:07pm


Okay so I'll be a bit more straight forward than others on this site, also providing information from a guy's point of view.

When it comes down to it, people in general have huge diferences on sexuality. I myself for example Love sex and masturbation. My finac'e on the other hand was brought into life on a better term. She never masturbates and chooses to have sex ony at meaningful times. I chose to respect that. We also live with my parents, so I know exactly what that is like. I personaly learned how to block voices out of my head to avoid loss of fun, if you know what I mean. My fianc'e on the other hand loves to be loud and enjoy the sounds we make, so the only time she is really in the mood is when we are 100% alone and ready to make love.

Look at it this way, sex is not a jar of candy, you can't just reach in and grab a piece when ever you want, You have to work towards it. Lose the wieght from the last piece you had earlyer. Or in better choice of words I am saying, find out what turns him on without touching him, if he likes it when you bend over or sit sexy on his desk with your legs crossed, then do it. Tease him a little and make him want you, then release your passion start with a kiss, turn that into a french kiss and drag your fingers from his ear to his chest then pull his shirt gently towards the bed, and by then I hope things lead to another.

If all else fails, try talking to him about wanting sex more and what might help him get into the mood for it. It takes two to tango. Have fun and be safe!

Cody ~ Out.

March 29, 2010 - 12:42pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Sloth1991)

Hi cody, thanks for ur reply.
I understand what your saying but nothing really helps... I don't know what turns him on since he wont talk to me. And tbh if anythign happens it only happens when were ready to retire and are already in bed. He never just grabs me and kisses me or any of those things..

I talked to him about it, told him i was confused. I even told him to be honest and tell me if he isn't attracted to me, because it's something he can't help.
I told him that he's the more exprienced out of us two and that i would love him to initiate things more often.
He told me he didn't have as much expirience as all that since and i quote: 'It's not the same with a wife.' Now as a guy can you tell me what the hell that means?!
Because frankly i'm at a loss...

March 30, 2010 - 4:46am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Susan,
thanks for your answer.

To be honest I don't think it's about that, i know he had a lot of girlfriends before and he wasn't exactly a virgin when we got married. But he was raised that way that when u meet the girl you marry you don't 'disprespect or sully' her before the marriage and I was raised that way that you dont have sex before u're married.

He is under a lot of stress since we still havent found a place of our own and are living with his parents, he is currently considering leaving his job for another but isnt sure if it would be for the best or not. He is taking his responsablity as provider very seriously (I'm still in uni so he is the only one with the income)
He also has a lot on his mind due to stress in his family.
I understand that, but it still worries me that we lie in bed watching tv and not even hugging like an old couple or worse just friends!

I honestly dont know what to do, he says he loves me and that he is attracted to me, and says he'd have never married me otherwise. He sais he needs to be in the mood.
He also mocks me everytime i do something he considers is 'loveydovey' like caressing him, hugging or even kissing him to thank him for somethign he's done.

I'm a very affectionate person and would shower him with my affection if only he would let me..

I'll take a look at the thread and would apprechiate any advice.

March 26, 2010 - 3:45pm
(reply to Anonymous)


I have to say that if I were living with my parents, that would effectively squash my libido as well!!! Even with all of the other things going on (and you do both have a lot going on), I would suspect that this is a primary cause. Having your mom and dad in the next room is just plain inhibiting, even when you are married. I would guess that he won't be more "in the mood" until the two of you can find your own place.

Breathe, and trust him when he says he loves you and is attracted to you.

How long do you think it will be, maybe, before you two can get a place of your own? Even a tiny apartment?

And are his parents physically affectionate with each other? Is the household a place where hugs and kisses are common? Or are they more hands-off? Different families are different when it comes to touching. I grew up in a family, for example, that was very huggy and kissy. We touch each other often in affection. But other homes are not so much that way. If that's so, it may take some time for the two of you to average this out.

I worry that he thinks even a hug is "lovey dovey," and that he mocks you. That is NOT something a loving husband should do. A hug can mean many things -- I love you, I'm glad you're here, thank you, or "we're in this together," among others. Hugs are common even just between friends. The fact that he is mocking you in this doesn't make me happy.

I think that the two of you need to keep the lines of communication open, and you need to make sure that you have times away from the house. Lunch on a pretty Saturday afternoon, for instance, or date night on Friday night. It doesn't have to be expensive, by any means. It can be taco night at a cheap dive, as long as the two of you go out together. Do you do much as a couple? Or is it pretty much that you are always home?

March 29, 2010 - 10:36am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

Hi Diane and thanks for your reply.

I understand that it's very inhibiting having his parents in the next room, but the thing is even when we're alone he doesn't initiate anything. Like last month when we had a beautiful hotel suite he wanted to go out and walk around or go to the movies. We hardly spent any time at all in the room except to sleep.
As for us getting our own place well that depends on what he decides to do jobwise.
I'm not putting any pressure on him because i know he is already stressed out.

No his family isn't very affectionate at all, in fact i dont think ive ever seen his parents or his bother kiss or hug.
He on the other hand loves to hug his mom and his nephews and nieces.
Just not me.

I know and it hurts my feelings because even if it's not something he likes doing he shouldn't move away when i wanna cuddle or when i want to kiss him.
He absolutly refuses to call me loving names (like honey, baby, sweetheart etc) and doesn't want me calling him those things either. He says it's rediculous and he's never going to be one of these men who are 'whipped' or all 'loveydovey' ,says it's just not in him.

We don't do many things alone. In fact he never hurries home after work. He will go do a million things that need to be doing, or go play basketball with his friends. Sometimes he doens't return home 'till 11 pm!
And when we go out on fridays he always asks his friends along and i end up the only girl there watching as they get hammerd (after which he is ALWAYS in the mood).

Also when we do have sex, it's not all that good for me. He doesn't spend a lot of time on me if you know what i mean..

March 30, 2010 - 4:38am
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