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My question is about my adult boyfriend who has Asperger's

By Anonymous August 10, 2015 - 9:51pm
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My boyfriend is very important at his job and has a lot of responsibilities there. It is a very stressful job that he hates, but I know He won't leave. He sometimes must work long hours months on end. For six months thing were going very well. Then he had this big project that he was responsible for. It was coming time for it to be due, so he couldn't see me often. It didn't get finished on time and there were serious computer problems with it. That was a project that was extra - not his regular job. Now it is his company's busy time, so he had the project and the busy time to deal with. He also has kids and they come first. He becomes so hyper-focused and busy that he says he does not have time to read my texts or send any. We don't live real close so we can't see each other when those busy times happen. He told me that he wants to marry me and knows I want to marry him. I know He loves me. I love him very much. He is very kind, loving, and affectionate. He is very generous and willing to help me if he can. He is a wonderful man and very gentlemanly. He has many other awesome qualities too. I am insecure sometimes and when I don't hear from him in days or weeks I worry that he doesn't want me anymore. We were in a long distance relationship years ago, but we live closer now.

It has been two months since I have received a text from him. In that text he let me know that things were really bad at work. He had been working for days straight without sleep. I feel very bad for him. I can't reach him. You wouldn't know He has Asperger's except for this one problem. I am so afraid he will never talk to me again. He knows it hurts me and worries me when he doesn't let me know what's going on. Why can't he just text me once a day during these times to tell me he still loves me and hasn't broken up with me? It takes like 30 seconds to read a text and send one. I try to be patient and understanding, but I'm so depressed right now.

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EmpowHER Guest

As an aspie myself I can tell you that a text like that can take half a day to get right. You might want to be explicit and tell him what you think and what you need (a few minutes of attention every day.) He can't do much about your interpretation of his actions, but he can certainly give you some time. It might be blunt in your eyes, but communicating your intents and wishes clearly will help him. Really.

December 19, 2015 - 5:17pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry you're going through this.

People with Aspberger's can have certain issues like not knowing someone is sad/angry/worried (it can go right over their heads) and can be non-communicative where it looks like they don't care or are self-absorbed but many don't. His behavior could be linked with his form or autism or it could not.

However, stopping contact for months to a woman he claims he wants to marry isn't acceptable and Aspberger's isn't a reason or an excuse. You're absolutely right. A text takes 15 seconds: "hi hon, really busy but thinking of you and will chat soon." - that takes less than 15 seconds. It's not much to ask.

I understand about working long and hard but working days on end with no sleep doesn't really ring true to me (plus, no company can mandate that). Are you sure he is as committed as you think? have you considered he may have a life that you don't know about? I'm just throwing it out there since it's not normal at all. Real relationships don't work like this, Anon.

Anon, I think you deserve more. Or at least deserve to know what's going on. This is bizarre. Do you know that he is safe, by the way? Could he be missing? Can you contact someone he knows to make sure everything's ok?

There really could be anything going on here but you certainly have a right to ask for honesty and truthfulness in your relationship. Let me know what you think.


August 11, 2015 - 5:45am
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