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My sister's husband told me I gave him a hard on!?

By Anonymous March 29, 2010 - 11:41am
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On the weekend, my sister's family and mine were hanging out together by the pool. We were all wearing swimsuits and her husband said right out in front of everyone to me, including my sister " Wow! I'll have a hard on all day looking at you in that bikini".
My sister was visibly upset and wouldn't speak to me or her husband for the rest of the day.
I heard them arguing later. I would've been horrified if MY partener has said something like that to another woman.

What can I do? Should I avoid hanging out with them? My sister has since told me that she knows it's not my fault but I am afraid to provoke anything.
He wasn't drunk or anything when he said this.
What can I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

I understand what you went through. My sister's boyfriend can make inappropriate comments every once and a while. He's a very nice guy generally, he just makes bad comments sometimes. Like the other day, my sis and bf came to my mom's to cook dinner and I was dressed up to go out that Saturday evening. He took one look at me and started harping about, I must be going on some hot date. I was actually flattered someone besides my family members noticed I looked dressed up. My sis started getting annoyed, chopping the food faster. Then when I got to him to hug a goodbye, he said, Oh yeah! she must have a date, she smells good! My sister gave me a mean look. She ignored me the next day when I asked her how the dinner was, sorry I couldn't stay, etc. It was so immature on her part to be angry with ME! He makes references that to me are inappropriate, but that's his behavior. But my older sister being the subservient person always having men in her life, she does nothing about it. I don't know what she tells him at home, but I get treated badly because of the guy's behavior--as if I shouldn't be me. It's my fault he can't control his behavior. Like if it wasn't for me, he would be the perfect bf she's trying to imagine. This has hurt my relationship with her because she ALWAYS takes the man's side. I am learning to accept that she's going through her own path in life. I can't imagine not thinking for myself or protecting my younger sister. I get accused if I'm single and when I have a guy, she get's jealous and tries to compare her guy to mine. It's petty and I don't expect it will end tomorrow so I just try to work on myself which is what I suggest you do. Unless he touches you or it escalates, let it go and let them be on their own level for not dealing with their issues.

November 30, 2012 - 8:36pm
EmpowHER Guest

Men can be total pigs and he's just looking for a way to hurt his wife's feelings and make both of you uncomfortable. DEMAND an apology to both of you at the same time. He should be in the dog house for at least a week. Give a man free rein and they think they're "important" and have power. They don't. Take the power back.

May 11, 2010 - 12:30pm
EmpowHER Guest

I think you're overreacting completely and so is your sister. When a man makes an inappropriate comment, the best thing to do is look him in the eye, tell him you know you're fabulous, and that his comment is completely and totally inappropriate and that he should IMMEDIATELY apologize to both you and your sister. NEVER allow a man to get the upper hand in your relationship with other women (which is
EXACTLY what he was doing, is doing, and will continue to do). Never let a man control you. You and your sister are the Queens, and he should be doing some serious humiliating grovelling. There's a naughty little boy lurking inside of all adult men. Treat him exactly the way you would a child; make him apologize in that very moment and humiliate him so he knows what's appropriate and what is not.

May 11, 2010 - 12:27pm
EmpowHER Guest

when your hungry you eat to kill the hunger... so if it balls down to that enjoy and cross your fingers that it will help and be enough, or just substitute the fantasy without doing it .. might save a marrige over something really easy to fix

May 9, 2010 - 2:50am

Definitely leave it alone. The guy obviously has no respect for you or your sister and his marriage. If she chooses to be with someone who can be so disgusting and disrespectful then that is her choice but do not bring it up again.

I am not saying to sweep it under the rug because it has already been exposed and clearly discussed between he and your sister. The fact that he said it to you doesn't mean you should be involved. If you were a complete stranger I'm sure your sister wouldn't care to talk to you since the comment came out of him, know what I mean?

Don't rehash on it. Continue your relationship with your sister. The only thing I would personally do (having been in similar shoes myself) is to avoid all form of contact with him. She is family, not him. If you don't need to see or speak with him-- then don't. Family get togethers are unavoidable but aside from a polite "hello" and "goodbye", there shouldn't be any communication that will bring up feelings of insecurity upon your sister or put her in another uncomfortable position like he did recently. If it happens again it will more than likely out a strain on your relationship with her and unfortunately she will probably avoid all gatherings where she knows you will be present.

April 25, 2010 - 7:37am

I would tell him he needs to get some respect! and that he is married to your sister, and make sure you tell him hes a pig too. that will set him strait and make your sister happy.

April 23, 2010 - 12:38pm

Okay, in this case I'd say don't punish yourself. Taking away your family members to avoid bothersome moments, just be frank. Hang out with your sister and keep going about your life. If he chooses to hit on you again, confront that. You could choose to say the truth "Don't hit on me, it makes you look like a low life cheating husband." Or be sly about it, "Do you hit on every female you see or do you just like being a grown dick with ears?" (of course I mean this with respect towards you. Also if you are to say one of these or the second one I highly suggest you say it while your sister is witness to him hitting on you.)

By the way, if your sister has a spine, she did not let him live that sentence down. I bet you that your sister yelled at him for a bit of time. You should speak with her and make sure she gets her man in check or she could very well lose him, it sounds like he could have been testing her on who he could hit on and get away with out.

a good chat about control is needed her, your going to have to be the bigger sister and tell her to handle it.


March 29, 2010 - 12:58pm
HERWriter Guide

I doubt very much that your "flat-chested" sister or her lack of confidence had anything to do with it. I'm sure she is just as lovely as anyone else, no matter how better one thinks one looks in comparison. Being conscious of being in a bikini while she was in a one piece might be food for thought. Are you guys competitive?

Truth be know, nearly all men get erections from women who are not their partners. It's normal, natural and ok! Humans are not monogamous by nature, but many make the choice to be. So humans are conditioned to look around a bit at members of the opposite (or same) sex and get aroused. I'm sure all our partners do it. Your partner may think it's normal because he also get erections like this. Men are very visual.

His social skills, however, need to be checked! Perhaps his sensitivity levels are low and that's a shame for his wife. People also say things they don't mean for shock value or to get attention.

I would not bring this up or mention it again. It may dig into feelings best left to heal. Allow your sister to reconcile this with her husband and gently change the topic if it's mentioned again. This is an issue between her and her husband.

I wish her the best!

March 29, 2010 - 12:23pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Diane,
I suppose that I feel like I maybe provoked something by wearing a bikini when my sis was wearing a one piece. I dunno. She is very flat chested and I am not and I tend to be quite confident about my body and she is not.
Thanks for the advice. I think you are right that I should not avoid hanging out with them but maybe I am a bit scared that he has a crush on me and don't want to make it worse. Luckily we are not often left alone. last xmas, he also did soemthing weird. We were all openign gifts and I got a present of some under wear and he asked if I was going to model it for everyone.
My sister didn't notice that time that he said that.
My own partner thinks that boys will be boys and that it is joking innocent but I hate it and hate for my sis to feel bad.

March 29, 2010 - 12:01pm


What an awkward and difficult situation for everyone involved. I'm so sorry that your sister's husband had the lack of taste and decency to say something like that out loud. It was hurtful to his wife, and he had to know going in that it would be.

I am curious as to why you think you provoked this. Did you say or do something that you feel badly about? You say your sister didn't talk to you that day either. Did you think you were also to blame?

My suggestion would be to ask your sister what she's comfortable with right now. Clearly, you and she have talked since it happened, so the air should be somewhat cleared, at least between the two of you. Probably the best thing for all involved would be if everyone could leave the situation between your sister and her husband and just go on about their business like it never happened. That would mean that you'd go to family get-togethers just like normal, and everyone would act like grownups. You certainly shouldn't avoid hanging out with them -- to me, that just makes a bigger deal of it.

What do you think?

March 29, 2010 - 11:54am
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