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Should I break up with my fiance for taking pictures of other women when we went on vacation together

By April 25, 2011 - 7:46am
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He is 50 years old. He took several pictures of women in their bikini's frolicking on the beach and butt shots too. Some of the pictures were of teenagers. There was a shot of the teenage girls grouped together by the ocean. Then of them walking down the beach together. I was in some of the pictures with the teenagers, but I was to the far right while he made sure teenagers were still in camera range as they walked by me. He took two pictures of a lady in her bikini standing reading a book in the ocean as she watched her son, from behind her and then he pointed the camera down and got one of her headless but from behind which included the water. It looked like he was taking a picture of water when indeed it was her he was taking a picture of, so he wouldn't get caught. We took a sailing trip and one lady in a bikini kept running up to the front of the sail boat. He was sitting down on the boat and beside her. Of course, his camera pointed upward and he took nine full shots of her which included the sails mast above her. They were full vertical shots to include her whole body from behind and a good view of her butt. Since he was sitting beside her and to her back and was below her and behind her she had no idea he was snapping pictures of her in that way. What was more shocking was that he did not hide the pictures from me. The pictures made me sick to my stomach. I talked to him about it after we got home and I said it's creepy and perverted that he did that. I was trying not get too emotional, but of course, I did and was crying. In the end he asked me, but do you love me? and he looked deeply into my eyes. I said I loved him. I don't want to be a prude. I know he has porn on his computer or looks at it, but the picture taking is pushing my boundaries. It makes me wonder what else he has on his computer. We each have our own computers. I'm trying to wrap my head around this and decide what to do. I don't think it's normal behavior. Maybe some people will argue he is just being a guy or acting like a teenager and as long as it doesn't go any further than the picture taking there is no harm done. How would you feel and what would you do in this situation?

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I wholeheartedly agree with what Susan has said to you.
We will never tell you to break up with someone unless you were in a physical or emotionally abusive relationship.
Ending your relationship is entirely up to you-- are you willing to live with this? You aren't yet married and have only known this man for two years-- there is still a lot more to learn about him and it's not to say that you will agree with his past or his habits.

His behavior is at the very least disrespectful but to me, it's more like what you described as "creepy". A 50 year old man should not be snapping pictures of any stranger in a bikini let alone teenage girls. Putting my 15 year old niece in one of those girls shoes-- if I caught a man snapping pictures of her, charges would be pressed. So, would I take the chance of later possibly discovering more "creepy" behavior-- probably not.

If you love him and are willing to accept this behavior (because he didn't sound apologetic when you brought it up) then it is something you're likely to have to deal with throughout your relationship. My advice to you is that if this isn't settling well with you then you have a lot of thinking to do and a decision to be made. Sorry you're in a tough situation.


April 25, 2011 - 5:39pm
EmpowHER Guest

It is a double edged sword. He is nice in several ways. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. He is a hard worker. He supports me 100% on my new business venture. He tells me I am beautiful and that I complement him in every way and that he would marry me tomorrow.

I don't know what he does on the computer. We each have our own computer and our own passwords. Yes, I could find out his password I suppose and break into his computer, but is that the ethical thing to do I ask myself? He said he does not masturbate to the pictures that he wouldn't waste his time like that when he has the real thing, me. All I can think of is that he has them for his porn stash to look at.

When we showed his folks the trip pictures, of course, those pictures of the other women were not included. I was tempted to print them out and show them to them so they could see what their son is doing. I know, everyone says to protect the parents, but maybe they need to step in and confront him about what he is doing with his voyueristic picture taking.

His other two problems are that he ogles other women, looking them up and down behind his sunglasses, trying to call attention to himself in some manner in hopes of a pretty will notice him, say at a restuarant, like chatting up the local waitress to get him to say his name loud enough. Then his body will become relaxed more open too. He'll ask for more coffee to linger. Normally he never lingers over coffee only to have a few more glances at another female. It's subtle, but I catch it all. I don't miss a beat. I analyze every nuance. There are several other examples of this behavior, the rubbernecking, going in for a closer look.

The second problem is telling me how beautiful other women are, be it a co-worker, his ex-girlfriends or some random woman on the street. This happens almost every day until I told him to knock it off. I think he wanted me to be jealous.

I don't think a boyfriend, fiance or husband goes around snapping pictures of other women when they are on vacation with their siginificant other. It doesn't appear to be the "normal" thing to do. It is disrespectful at best, but then it makes me think it could be an addiction too if they are willing to risk the relationship they are in to continue in this manner or maybe in hopes of finding a partner that will look the other way and accept it so that they can quietly continue to do this, hence him not hiding the pictures from me or maybe he really wants me to break up with him.

April 25, 2011 - 1:43pm
HERWriter Guide


Thanks for your post and I'm sorry that your vacation was full of your fiance's rather odd behavior.

Nobody can tell you what they would do in your circumstances (and we rarely tell anyone to get out of a relationship unless they or someone else are in danger, since that is up to the individual,) but you have to listen to yourself too.

I think what you have said is that you're pretty close to ending things but you need a push.

We can't push but we can focus on how this may impact you further down the line, and how it has already.

A personal opinion (from me) is that you're correct when you said what he was doing is pervy and creepy. It's not something I would put up with even at the time. I'm very straight-forward and have a tendency to tackle things directly, at impact.

I think a huge mistake you are making is saying you don't want to be a prude, hence perhaps taking bikini and butt shots of teenagers is normal. Being a "prude" has nothing to do with it. This kind of mentality stems from partners who claim their significant other isn't "open-minded" enough when they refuse to swing, allow cheating or condone compulsive porn watching. All of a sudden, the partner is the one in the wrong and made to feel like some kind of Victorian puritan, simply because they have principles they subscribe to. This is a manipulative tool used to make the other person feel like they are in the wrong, and the manipulator gets to feel self-righteous and almost like they are owed an apology!

Can you trust this man? What does he do with these photos? Look at them? Masturbate to them? Trade them online? I suspect all three are possibilities. You may never find out the truth, no matter what he says. Are you ok to live with that?

How long have you been together and have you noticed this kind of behavior before?

A 50 year year old man taking surreptitious photos of young teen girls is not just "being a guy" - what kind of logic is that? I think a lot of 50 year old men (who may have teen daughters) might take offense to that!

Are you a parent yourself? Is he? I know that if my husband (or I) caught your fiance doing what he did to one of our girls (even thought they are far younger), your fiance wouldn't end his vacation on a happy note. He's going to get caught by someone and depending on who it is, he might pay a heavy price. He's lucky someone's husband or parent didn't catch him doing what he did.

I'm sure he did look deeply into your eyes etc but try and be a bit practical as well as emotional (and it's ok to be emotional - I would be!). If you have no idea what's going on on his computer, find out. Make sure he's not trading pictures or that any of these teens are underage (trading candid photos is extremely common over the Internet, there are thousands of Groups doing it) - it's nearly impossible to tell the age of a teen anymore.

Plainly speaking - growing up, almost everyone knew of an "old perv" who would check out teens and try to grope women and gross everyone out, but when it's close to home, it's a whole other story.

You can ask him to stop, explain more of how you feel (and if he started doing the deep stare thing, he needs to stop, this is real!) and decide if the kind of thing he likes to do (taking these pictures and doing [whatever] with them, is something you can live with.

That answer is only something you can decide. He may be a very nice man, we have never met him, but at the same time, I don't think you would have expressed yourself the way you have unless you were deeply troubled by what's going on. Sometimes we already know the answers, we just need someone to bounce it off, so that we have validation for how we feel.

I hope to hear back from you and I wish you the best,

April 25, 2011 - 11:59am
(reply to Susan Cody)

I wanted to add that we have know each other for two years. He is divorced and I am widowed. He was my high school sweetheart. I decided to take a chance on dating after my husband passed away even though I was considering not dating at all. I do not have children. He has 2 grown adult children. No grandchildren.

Yes, he did take pictures last year of this nature on our very first vacation together at the beach but they were more far away shots of women in the bikinis and not so up close as now. It is like he has gotten bolder.

See my earlier post. I posted as a guest. I am still learning to navigate this site. Thank you.

April 27, 2011 - 6:36am
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