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I'm sadden to say that my daughter's best friend's father committed suicide on Sunday night. We are all in shock and still don't know the "why". My daughter is a teenager and is having a hard time understanding how a parent could do this to their child and so am I.
I don't know if he felt so hopeless or depressed that he thought this was his only solution. I'm surprised to read that suicide is the eleventh most common cause of death in the United States. I wish we would have recognized some of the signs so we could have helped in some way. With the holidays around the corner and the current state of our economy, I'm sure depression and suicide will be on the rise.
How do we help those around us who are having thoughts of suicide or are depressed? And most importantly what do you say to your children when something like this strikes so close to home?
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Anon,
Thank you so much for such a sensitive, informed reply. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to write. Everything you say is completely true. A person in the depths of depression can't control it and cannot see the good things in life; the depression makes sure of that. I also have dealt with depression and agree that the feelings of worthlessness are profound.
Thank you, and I'm so glad you are feeling some better now. It seems from your context that the worst is behind you. For that I'm very glad.
December 22, 2009 - 9:05amThis Comment
Hi Diane,
December 3, 2009 - 5:16pmThanks for your response and information. You provided great insight and some things for me to think about. The holidays will be hard for everyone and we are dealing with them the best we can. My daughters friend has returned to school so that is helping in the healing process. The principal at her school spoke to the students and asked them to be supportive and to give him his space - which was a nice thing to do. My heart still breaks every time I see him but he seems to be doing okay. He really wants things to go back to "normal" so we are respecting that and always there when he needs us.
Thanks again for your kind words and the resources you provided.
Angelica
This Comment
Angelica,
Your daughter's friend is lucky to be surrounded by caring friends and family. His life has changed forever and it's going to be something that has repercussions for years and years.
How is your daughter doing? Has she done okay since this happened? Does she see how she is secure and that this would not happen to her?
December 4, 2009 - 9:47amThis Comment
Angelica,
I'm so sorry for your daughter's friend, and for your daughter and all the young people who will be dealing with this man's suicide in so many ways for so many years.
Sometimes there are signs, and sometimes there aren't. One of the most important things for this man's children to realize is that it was not their fault. It is common for those left behind to question: What could they have done differently? How could they have changed the outcome? And it's especially common for children to believe that if they had been "better" children that it wouldn't have happened. It's heartbreaking.
There are as many different reasons for suicide as there are people. Some have substance-abuse problems. Some are dealing with a mental illness. Some have financial problems and they cannot see their way around them. Some are dealing with personal issues that are so difficult they feel like life here is hell and that they can't endure it any longer. Some simply believe that the lives of those they love would be better off without them.
It's wrong thinking. But in the throes of their pain, they can't see that any longer.
Here's a page discussing how to talk about suicide with children:
http://www.fiercegoodbye.com/?P=23
I'm so glad that your daughter is talking about this with you, and that she feels free to tell you her innermost thoughts (as in, How could he do this to his children?). What she's also aching to know, in her own way, is "could this ever happen to me?" By being honest with her, you help her separate how her friend's situation could not happen to her.
And here's a very good page on what the children may be thinking and how to counter these thoughts:
http://www.camh.net/About_Addiction_Mental_Health/Mental_Health_Information/when_parent_suicide.html
I am sure you are encouraging your daughter to stay close to her friend. She is needed right now, as a companion, a confidante and a shoulder to cry on. You can be a source of support for her, too. Don't be afraid to mention her dad, to mention that you miss him, too, and don't miss a chance to say something good about her father. When my father died (not by suicide, but it was sudden), I cherished those words that others said to me. It helped me to know that they thought my dad was such a good man.
Angelica, I can tell what a caring and sensitive mom you are. Please write back a little later and let us know how your daughter and her friend are doing.
November 24, 2009 - 10:23amThis Comment