ask: Suicide - Why Do Some Feel Is It A Last Resort?
I'm sadden to say that my daughter's best friend's father committed suicide on Sunday night. We are all in shock and still don't know the "why". My daughter is a teenager and is having a hard time understanding how a parent could do this to their child and so am I.
I don't know if he felt so hopeless or depressed that he thought this was his only solution. I'm surprised to read that suicide is the eleventh most common cause of death in the United States. I wish we would have recognized some of the signs so we could have helped in some way. With the holidays around the corner and the current state of our economy, I'm sure depression and suicide will be on the rise.
How do we help those around us who are having thoughts of suicide or are depressed? And most importantly what do you say to your children when something like this strikes so close to home?
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Angelica,
I'm so sorry for your daughter's friend, and for your daughter and all the young people who will be dealing with this man's suicide in so many ways for so many years.
Sometimes there are signs, and sometimes there aren't. One of the most important things for this man's children to realize is that it was not their fault. It is common for those left behind to question: What could they have done differently? How could they have changed the outcome? And it's especially common for children to believe that if they had been "better" children that it wouldn't have happened. It's heartbreaking.
There are as many different reasons for suicide as there are people. Some have substance-abuse problems. Some are dealing with a mental illness. Some have financial problems and they cannot see their way around them. Some are dealing with personal issues that are so difficult they feel like life here is hell and that they can't endure it any longer. Some simply believe that the lives of those they love would be better off without them.
It's wrong thinking. But in the throes of their pain, they can't see that any longer.
Here's a page discussing how to talk about suicide with children:
http://www.fiercegoodbye.com/?P=23
I'm so glad that your daughter is talking about this with you, and that she feels free to tell you her innermost thoughts (as in, How could he do this to his children?). What she's also aching to know, in her own way, is "could this ever happen to me?" By being honest with her, you help her separate how her friend's situation could not happen to her.
And here's a very good page on what the children may be thinking and how to counter these thoughts:
http://www.camh.net/About_Addiction_Mental_Health/Mental_Health_Informat...
I am sure you are encouraging your daughter to stay close to her friend. She is needed right now, as a companion, a confidante and a shoulder to cry on. You can be a source of support for her, too. Don't be afraid to mention her dad, to mention that you miss him, too, and don't miss a chance to say something good about her father. When my father died (not by suicide, but it was sudden), I cherished those words that others said to me. It helped me to know that they thought my dad was such a good man.
Angelica, I can tell what a caring and sensitive mom you are. Please write back a little later and let us know how your daughter and her friend are doing.
November 24, 2009 - 10:23amThis Comment
Hi Diane,
December 3, 2009 - 5:16pmThanks for your response and information. You provided great insight and some things for me to think about. The holidays will be hard for everyone and we are dealing with them the best we can. My daughters friend has returned to school so that is helping in the healing process. The principal at her school spoke to the students and asked them to be supportive and to give him his space - which was a nice thing to do. My heart still breaks every time I see him but he seems to be doing okay. He really wants things to go back to "normal" so we are respecting that and always there when he needs us.
Thanks again for your kind words and the resources you provided.
Angelica
Angelica,
Your daughter's friend is lucky to be surrounded by caring friends and family. His life has changed forever and it's going to be something that has repercussions for years and years.
How is your daughter doing? Has she done okay since this happened? Does she see how she is secure and that this would not happen to her?
December 4, 2009 - 9:47amI am someone who has suffered from depression for the past three years. It took me over a year to finally build up the courage to ask. I am very sorry for your loss, but maybe I can offer some insight as I did go through the same struggle with the decision of if I should end my life or not. I know that my yearning to do so came from the feeling of worthlessness, being alone, and the feeling that no one would care or notice. When I was in the deepest slum of my depression I wanted to end it all because I felt as though there was something wrong with me. You ask how to help; make sure they know that there is nothing wrong with being depressed or sharing how they feel because they are loved and not alone. Because when you have depression the feeling of being alone in the world is enough by itself to make everyday life unbearable.
December 21, 2009 - 9:50amAnon,
Thank you so much for such a sensitive, informed reply. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to write. Everything you say is completely true. A person in the depths of depression can't control it and cannot see the good things in life; the depression makes sure of that. I also have dealt with depression and agree that the feelings of worthlessness are profound.
Thank you, and I'm so glad you are feeling some better now. It seems from your context that the worst is behind you. For that I'm very glad.
December 22, 2009 - 9:05amWhen a parent commits suicide in some cases it is because life feels intolerable, they are so depressed they feel like they aren't a good parent, and their family would be better off without them. In fact, they feel dead every day of their life for weeks, months, years. They are truly not being logical, and so their suicide is not going to be logical. The depression is talking, not the person that they were before the depression. Someone said,"Depression is the delusion that life is not worth living." It is sad because it is treatable, Fathers don't have to die. I'm so sorry for your friends.
July 24, 2010 - 11:37pmThank-you for your words scribbling. It was good to read such an insightful entry. I, like so many other people have considered suicide. The entry back in DECEMBER about the dad who committed suicide was referred to as someone that " thought he had no other choice, or options" Believe me, one who considers suicide has tried to get better, it is not a logical choice. But in our culture it is frowned upon to walk around looking depressed. Nobody wants to deal with a very down, withdrawn, sad person. So the depressed person goes to great lengths to hide the sadness and despair. Anger seems to be much more manageable for friends or even acquaintances to deal with. (Maybe people are more accepting of anger because there are so many angry people out there!) Ask yourself if you know someone who seems angry or negative all the time. OFTENTIMES they are the ones who may need help. The internet is an amazing tool. Ask them a lot of questions and tell them your interested in helping. You would be surprised how that negative person starts to confide in you and be prepared to watch him/her soften and explore feelings with you. Ask others about a good therapist. Asking questions is such a valuable tool. The depressed person is not going to do this. Someone else may need to coax or even call to make the first appointment! Remember it is not up to you to fix. But a shoulder to lean on goes a long long way. The father who took his life wanted to end it because he saw no other way to end his pain. People who end their lives are not doing it to be vicious- to get back at anyone. They simply give up. We need to change our attitudes about depression and suicide in our culture. It is not to make the family members miserable or unhappy. It is a way out.
August 12, 2010 - 9:52amThank you for your thoughtful words!
I agree---the perspective from many people is to avoid someone who is sad, negative or generally "down", instead of taking a few moments to try to talk with them. Talk therapy is so helpful, even if it is just to a friend or co-worker, just to vent.
I think the problem is: we want to avoid confrontation. We have all had situations where we DO ask someone, "what's wrong?", and then end up listening to an hour-long "poor me" rant, when the person is not really sad or depressed. It is difficult to get out of those situations gracefully, without hurting feelings, and so we end up avoiding any similar future situations. It would be helpful for everyone to learn some "carefrontation" skills (instead of "confrontation"), so that we can kindly tell the "self-pitied" person that we are unable to listen to their story, so that we have enough time and energy to listen to someone who really needs us.
Any suggestions? How do you gauge which person really needs to be heard and understood vs. the person who is just "whining" and zapping our time and energy??
August 12, 2010 - 1:01pmOften it is more than just the depressed person who is trying to hide their negative feelings. Many people don't listen, because they are not able to deal with the negative feelings they have. A depressed person brings a listener's own hopeless, helpless, feelings to the surface where they can't be avoided. We all have them. It's a part of being human. But a person who can't be honest with their own feelings, isn't going to find it easy to listen to a person who is suicidal. That is because they WILL be affected. It WILL be painful to hear. The truth is it forces us to face ourselves, the part of us that feels weak, has too many doubts and questions. The part we don't want to admit knows something about why a person wishes they could die. If we know that part of ourselves, we know something about how to survive the doubt, loneliness, fears of life, and sometimes knowing that even with all of this, life is all we have, death is the unknown, we will get there, all of us, but in the meantime we can understand each others feelings that life is hard and makes no sense. In the act of truly hearing someone in pain we create another thread connecting them to the fabric of life.
August 15, 2010 - 7:40pmI agree with you... the majority of people just feel to busy or self consumed to deal with someone who may need help, or that shoulder. I just think it takes a life lesson, like knowing someone close to your who has been depressed, or if you have suffered from it personally to really understand it! Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just take on an attitude of caring for each other?
August 15, 2010 - 6:49pm