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What to do when my husband doesn't want me anymore

By Anonymous December 20, 2009 - 10:32am
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I'm 22 yrs old and just got married few months ago. He doesn't want me anymore. I feel like He lost attractive to me. The only way to confront him to intimate with me is give him BJ ( sorry if i give u guys too much info ) He makes me feel bad about myself. I lost all my confidence. I'm 5"6 & 115lbs. I go to gym 5 days a week. I take care myself very well. I get my hair and my nail done every forthnight. I do everything I can to make myself look good for him.
I asked him whats went wrong? why I feel like he doesn't want me? He said he loves me & still attractive to me. And he also said we are marriage couple already , sex doesnt exist! plus he getting old. I was like "are you crazy? you're just 26!!!" then he turned his back to me & fall asleep. me? cried myself to sleep hugging the pillow & dream of him....I wish I could fall asleep hugging him & dream of my pillow instead.

I cried day & night. but I cant cried in front of him. He got pissed off everytime and said If I have to come home after work to see this , I wish I can go back to work.
This is really hurting me. I stop eating, trying to stave myself, become fashion obsessed just because want to impress my husband who doesn't want me. I lost my sleep , lost my smile & lost hope.
what shold I do??

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EmpowHER Guest

I have a very similar problem, and don't know what to do. I am 22 and my fiance is 25. We got engaged 10 months ago, and only started having sex about 8 months ago. I was a virgin, he was not. We used to fool around before then, but didn't have intercourse. We don't live together and as a first-year law student, and him working, we only see each other 2-3 times a week (sometimes less). We have sex maybe 1-2 times a week. When I see him, I am always ready to have sex, since its usually been 3 or so days since the last time I saw him. However, he's not in the mood- I'm usually the one that has to initiate sex. He's a fit guy- in really good shape- exercises a lot and eats very well- and we're supposedly in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship (we've only been having sex for 8 months)- yet, he's already uninterested in having sex with me. Sometimes, I ignore his rejection, but sometimes its very painful and I feel extremely unattractive. I have put on 15 lbs since we started dating, but I'm still a very attractive woman and get hit on by a lot of guys. Its so painful that the one guy I want to be attracted to me is the one that doesn't give me any attention. We are getting married in a couple of months and I am terrified that things will only get worse- seeing each other every day will probably decrease his interest in me even more. I can't help but cry when he rejects me. Its rare that the two of us find a place that we can be alone (seeing as we both live in full houses!), but I called him earlier this evening telling him to come over and spend the night- he initially said yes but then as the night went on he never came. Then I called him again and he made the excuse that he was tired, but then eventually said he'll come over. I called him after some time, letting him know where to park, and he said he was just going to stay home and go to bed. I was so hurt, that I couldn't help but cry, and can't stop crying even now. I am so embarrassed and mortified that I had called him. Every time I am rejected I feel like the most unattractive person on this planet, and I feel so embarrased and disgusted at myself. I try to keep things really interesting in bed (talking dirty, phone sex, telling him my fantasies and asking about his, etc.) but he rejects or ignores my attempts and never makes his own. I don't think he's cheating on me. What other possible answer is there for him not wanting to sleep with me? And what makes it worse is while all my friends are having these wonderful sex lives in commited relationships, I'm left wondering what I am doing wrong. Please help- I don't know what to do. Its so bad, that for our honeymoon I planned an exhaustive itinerary so that we would spend little or no time in the hotel room- I can't possibly take the rejection while on a honeymoon- I think I would be absolutely shattered- so I actually had to plan to make sure that we aren't in the hotel room often. Any advice would be appreciated, please help.

April 17, 2010 - 11:53pm
(reply to Anonymous)


Have the two of you talked about this outside of the bedroom? Have you been able to tell your fiance how you are feeling? I am sure he sees you cry; what is his reaction to this?

You can't take this all on yourself as "what you are doing wrong." It's not that way. Whenever there are sexual problems in a relationship, it is both people who contribute in some way. And the only way to get past it is if both people see it as a problem they want to fix.

One thing is clear: you are linking your self-esteem to his acceptance or rejection of your sexual advances. That's probably changed the dynamic of the relationship somewhat. I wonder if you feel you have changed since the two of you started having sex? Has he?

Can you find a time to talk about this issue seriously soon? Maybe at lunch on Saturday at a favorite spot for the two of you? Where you both can talk quietly without the pressure of being in the bedroom right away?

I have to say that if you are structuring your entire honeymoon around trying not to be alone, there's a real problem here, Anon. Are you both certain that marriage is right for right now?

April 27, 2010 - 8:42am

I recently move from states to live with my husband. I live in Australia right now. I dont have any family or anyone who I can depend on. I don't have work because my husband like me to stay home & be housewife only. He gives me money as much as I want to go shopping and stuff. I don't know how I could leave him & try to live on my own. I know I sound deperate but I really dont know how to get out of this mess. My parent abusing me since I were young & I left home when I was 18. I swear to myself that I would never go back & let them treated me like that ever again. I never feel be loved until I meet my husband. and now things went wrong and I dont know what to do.. Its like I got no where to go.

January 4, 2010 - 8:34pm
(reply to broken)


Where in Australia do you live? What city? There are many resources available to you in the cities of Australia and we would be happy to help you find them.

Would you like to have a job? Your husband is not your father, broken. He doesn't get to tell you what you must do. If the two of you decide together that you will stay home, that's one thing, but staying home just because he doesn't want you to work isn't helping you.

Do you want out, if there was a way? Or would you rather the marriage work?

Are you interested in studying? Is there a topic that interests you if you could go to college?

Are you interested in volunteering?

I'm so sorry that you were abused as a child. That has affected you in so many ways, Broken. But you are an adult now and you have the ability to start fixing things for yourself. You don't have to be a victim in this too. Taking a little step like enrolling in a class or volunteering at an animal rescue center will help you make friends and feel useful. It will also help you feel less needy where your husband is concerned.

Is any of this a possibility? And do tell us where you live in Australia.

January 6, 2010 - 8:59am


Please think about making a plan to leave. This is not a healthy relationship and, in fact, it is an abusive one. You may love the person he used to be, but I think it is fear that keeps you there now, not love.

You are very young and it would be horrible for you to decide that you don't deserve any better than this. It would be even worse if he hurts you. And I agree with Susan and Alison, the threat is very real. Living in a home full of holes in the wall that "should have been your head" is hurting you, mentally and physically. Please, please try to think about how you could save a little money, how you could stay with family or friends, how you could get a parttime job. After you get into a safe situation, then you can figure out whether a future is possible with this man.

Please write back to us. If you need help finding solutions, please call the hotline number Alison gave you, or let us know what city and state you're in and we'll see what local resources we can find for you.

January 4, 2010 - 8:46am

Thanks Susan : I found its very hard to leave him when I still love him with all my heart. When he told me he is sorry & the things he did cause from Testosterone , he wasnt himself...Thats make my knees weak.
I wish I could find the way to hurt him like he did to me , but I dont think I can. I forgive him and pretend like nothing happen just because I can't stand he not being in my life. Sometimes He make me so mad I wanna push him onto incoming traffic, But then I realize I'd kill myself trying to save him.
Do you think I should try to talk to him about stop using testosterone or maybe just less amount??
I trying so hard to fight for our marriage & I will do whatever it take. I know I sound like a n despaete or idiot wife but I really dont know how can i cope without him in my life.

January 3, 2010 - 12:46am
(reply to broken)

You can just take a few small steps at a time, as Susan said, you don't have to decide to stay married or separate right now. What is important is to get yourself to a safe place physically, as he is showing violence towards you. Even if he is not hitting you and "only" doors right now...this is domestic violence as it is THREATENING violence to keep you in control.

His behavior is irregardless of his taking testosterone pills. Taking these pills will not "cause" someone to suddenly become violent and physically threaten their wife. He is doing this with or without the pills.

Do you have friends or family nearby that you can stay with, until he can seek help for his violent behavior? There is also a hotline that you can call for free, anytime of day or night, is anonymous and confidential, if you need to talk with an understanding person who can talk through your situation: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

January 3, 2010 - 8:16am

He got angry at everything and most of the time...blame it all on me. And he cant do anything or hit me because he know If he ever do that , I will call the cop & I will be long gone so he lets his anger out by smashing stuff and punch the doors or walls. " lucky It wasnt your head" thats what he say after he calm down =[ sometimes I got really scared and I cant do anything about it. All I do is shut up & try to hold my tears in. I have asthma & sometimes I got asthma attack when I'm stressed or angry. one time He got angry at me because I won't allow him to talk with his ex ( but he said they're just friend now) he punch the doors then I got asthma attack. He couldn't find my puffer so he start to smash things in the house. Throw away all my make up & perfumes bottles on the floor.
He took testosterone because he wants to have a big muscle but he doesnt know that his anger is starting to get worst more & more everyday. Sometimes I cant stand he talk to me like a dog so I told him " I cant put up with this shit anymore . I'm getting sick of you " then he said sorry & told me that I should ignore what he said to me B U T The word 'Sorry' doesnt make me forget what he have done.

January 1, 2010 - 9:44pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to broken)

Dear Broken

I'd like you to read your sentence here : "And he cant do anything or hit me because he know If he ever do that , I will call the cop & I will be long gone so he lets his anger out by smashing stuff and punch the doors or walls. " lucky It wasnt your head" thats what he say after he calm down =[ sometimes I got really scared and I cant do anything about it."

And he can't do anything or hit you because you'd go to the police? Broken, he IS doing something! The doors and furniture are precursors for you. You are next. Telling you that you're lucky he's bashing doors down and not you is insanity.

And taking these shots of testosterone is wrong and contributing to his violence. Don't assume what he is now doing as NOT being domestic violence - it IS domestic violence. Bashing in furniture or smashing holes in the walls and screaming at you is domestic violence.

He's more worried about building up his muscles than building his relationship with you.

My advice is to move out right now. I'm not saying you have to end your relationship (although I'd like to you consider it as an option) but you are living in a violent situation and you need to get out. Staying and living with him won't "fix" him and "fixing" him is not your issue right now. He chooses testosterone shots and body building over you, and now you need to choose YOU over him.

But living with him is dangerous. You may be days away from him putting his fist in your face instead of a door. Please get out and give yourself time to clear your head and thoughts. Telling him you can't put up with his behavior anymore doesn't make sense if you continue to live with him and he continues his behavior. You are telling him you won't take it from him but showing him that you will.

Please move out so that you are in a physically safer situation and therefore can be more mentally capable of deciding what to you. In all honesty, you should have moved out a long time ago. I don't understand why you are living in such a dangerous situation. You need to get out now. You had an asthma attack and when he couldn't find your inhaler, he instead destroyed your house and smashed up your stuff?

If you don't leave now, you may pay a very serious price. Our warnings begin with whispers and we ignore them until the warnings become louder and louder. I'm not sure how loud you need these warnings to be, because they are loud and clear right now. Don't wait until it's too late. You are hearing the warnings and ignoring them because you think you can fix the relationship. You cannot fix this as of now and need to get yourself in a safe place. Your primary concern is keeping you safe and alive. not trying to help a man who is an imminent danger to you.

January 2, 2010 - 6:27am


I agree with Alison. I am very worried about the affect the testosterone is having on him. Is the anger directed at you? Do you sometimes think he's hitting the walls or the doors to keep from hitting you?

January 1, 2010 - 9:56am
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