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ask: why he watch porn ?

By Anonymous
 
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hi, i was really veri sad abt it...we had been together for 5 months...from wat i know ,he realy like to watch porn movie alot...last time when i started to know him, we used to have sex everyday..slowly cut down ..the most is 3 or 4 days we did not have sex...but just now till i discover...he bring laptop to the toilet n watch porn ...i dont know whether did he solve it himself....but i was very hurt.....i was having high fever..n he know it...izzit due to im sick, n he have a urge on it..den he do this..or its i cant satisfied him , n he prefer to settle it himself..i feel hurt....or is he doesnt love mi anymore...im really veri curious...

Add a Comment11 Comments

Diane Porter

Darknesses,

I see a serious issue here for the two of you. And not just the porn. The porn is serious because it hurts your feelings and he clearly doesn't want to stop using it. But I also worry that you feel the need to "check up on him" and then, later, to even tell him to change his password so you can't. There's a big lack of trust there that I worry about for you.

Many couples have to work through differences on porn. There are no right and wrong answers other than what each person is comfortable with. You have told your boyfriend that you aren't comfortable with it, and he continues to do it. This says to you that you are not important to him and that he would rather think about sex with nameless images online than with you. To him, it may just be exciting in a different way. But the problem is that the two of you disagree, and your feelings are getting hurt. This will lead to resentment and anger if you can't work it out with communication and compromise.

And the fact that you feel you must check up on him tells me that you are fearful that he'll do things behind your back and that you must protect yourself. Is this the case? Do you check on him in other ways as well? His email, or his texts/cell phone, or other ways? Are you insecure in this relationship?

I realize it is complicated since you have a daughter. But especially because of her, I don't want you to settle for a relationship that seems to be less than you want it to be.

It's been a couple days since you wrote. How is it going? Did your argument later lead to better conversation? How are you feeling?

June 17, 2010 - 8:30am
darknesses_realms (reply to Diane Porter)

It has been going better. There isn't really tension anymore tho I still kind of have my suspicions. As far as the porn thing goes we had talked and his answer was that he just wont do it anymore, one so he don't have to deal with drama and I guess also cuz it upsets me as bad as it did but I don't know if he is just telling me that and then going to try harder to hide it. I know I had found a whole bunch in the recycle bin on his computer this morning but I didn't bring it up since I couldn't say if he put it there or it got in there from like a computer scan that cleans everything...and well it was in the recycle bin.

Yes you are right I am fearful that he will do things behind my back. I have been in many relationship where that was the case, my marriage for example started with my ex husband more interesting in porn then me and eventually to cheating on me multiple times. In this relationship there was an incident at the beginning with me finding that he had a profile on a singles site, and it wasn't one from before we were together so even tho that was worked through and things got better it has giving me cause for wondering at times when things just don't feel right. yes I have checked his phone, email and so on and to be honest I haven't really found anything in them that is upsetting. As far as being insecure its not exactaly the case, do I think he will find someone else at times I do. However most of the time I am just waiting for things to blow up in my face as they have been going well to good as far as relationship I have go...we rarely argue and the few teems we have we have worked through it...every time we argue i think he is going to leave or cheat on me since that's what everyone else has done. I realize I have a bit of a trust issue and I have been working on it tho every time I start to feel that something is wrong I find something like this.

All in all tho I think we are working through this issue like we have all the others and things will get better...do I still think that every time i hop in the shower/go to bed/ or am not around he is pulling up porn...yea I do. I just think he will try to hide it better.

June 18, 2010 - 7:52am
darknesses_realms

WOW it was like I was writing this myself as I was reading it...I am having the exact same problem and we have been together for the same amount of time. He takes his comp in the bathroom with him, most of the time cuz he is gaming, but I have looked and seen that it is at least a few times a week thing for porn. To me it was a slap in the face. our sex life is well fairly non existant...maybe 3 times a month if that so to me all it screams is i am not good enough for him sexually or he isnt attracted to me and so on. We argued about it last night and I am still very very hurt by it. I know its not an addiction or anything like that. Makes you want to just hid inside your self and become closed off and indifferent towards him.

June 15, 2010 - 12:07pm
Alison Beaver (reply to darknesses_realms)

I'm curious about what your discussion was like with him...why did it become an argument? Were you able to let him know that you are hurt by him watching porn, especially since your physical relationship with him is not where you would hope it would be...what was his response? Did he become defensive, or was he able to communicate about his reasons, needs and wishes for his physical relationship with you?

June 15, 2010 - 2:12pm
darknesses_realms (reply to Alison Beaver)

the discussion was this..or rather here is what happened. I seen that he had, earlier that night while I was playing video games with my daughter, gone with his laptop in the bathrrom and checked out quite a bit of porn...I got upset went out side for about an hour and smoked a cigg to calm down. I was able to think of rational non emotional reasonings for what I had to say. I came back in and told him that I dont think our relationsship is as good as I thought it was because I cant completly trust him (hence the checking up on him every so often) and thats when we got to that I knew what he was doing last night (and for the past few days here and there) I told him I want him to change the password on his computer taht way I cant check and would ahve the blissful ingorance of not being able to prove what I know he is doing. I proceeded to tell him that it upset me and makes me feel like I wasnt good enough or not satisfying him. At some point he brought up how I told him how other things bother me but not this, tho I am sure I have to some degree told him. that was pretty much it, went and put my daughter to bed after that...came in the bedroom where he was and smoked a cigg...asked if he wanted the light on or off and he asked me if I was coming to bed and I told him no I am gonna tek a shower first....came to bed after like a 45 min shower where yes I cried, till he fell asleep then went and slept on the couch.He wasnt really defensive but was a little bit. Mostly he didnt have much to say. Pretty much advoided him this morning before he left for work and the little we did say was about my daughters computer.he didnt say anythign before he left, didnt call on his first break like he usually does but the few times I did talk to him breifly later this even he would make comments about "us" and what not and be all positive as if things will be fine. I dont think he understands how hurt I am aobut it and how much I feel like I am not good enough so he needs to find it somewhere else. Trust me its not that I am not willing to lend a hand.

June 15, 2010 - 3:26pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear about your relationship but there is yes, people can actually have addictions to pornography and it can certainly disrupt a normal relationship. Have you tried talking to him about this?

The biggest thing that you need to realize is that "it is not you". Individuals with pornography addiction commonly live in a 'make believe' world and therefore, reality is too realistic to them and you feel as if it is you that is causing it. It isn't.

Please let us know if you tried talking to him about it and what he says in response.

May 15, 2010 - 10:53am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

u think i should ask him about it?
...will it cause our relationship to become worst?...or if he feel embarrasse abt tat....

May 15, 2010 - 10:57am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Anon

Please do talk to him about it. If you are dating a man, and having sex with him, and he is taking his laptop into the bathroom to watch porn in front of you (which is completely unacceptable) then "embarrassment" is the least of your worries.

Your relationship is in a bit of a shambles right now, so it can't get a lot worse. You are having a lot of problems only 5 months into the relationship, so you need to get this sorted before this becomes your way of life. Don't fall into that trap.

Addiction or not, his actions are not acceptable. If he has a addiction, he needs treatment. If not and he does this as a general behavior and continues despite knowing it upsets you, you really need to re-evaluate your position in this relationship.

As of now, in this relationship, please put yourself first. The relationship is still new and you have no children together - it's very important that you put yourself first.

I wish you the very best and really hope you can work things out with him. Please let us know how the discussion goes. Don't get too emotional or finger point - just plainly and simply tell him how his actions upset you and that you both need to compromise or things will not work. Be gentle and compassionate but be clear that his actions are not ok and you won't live with them. Be your own advocate - you know what works for you and what doesn't and don't allow anyone to make you feel that you're weird or too demanding or being a prude. Stand up for what you believe in.

Please update us and stay strong!

May 15, 2010 - 12:19pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

hmmz....he never do it infront of mi ...im sleeping....is after that i found out about it...i just know that he love watching porn videos alot....he doesnt know i know alot about it....

May 16, 2010 - 6:49am
Alison Beaver (reply to Anonymous)

Susan's suggestions still hold true, regardless if "he knows that you know...".

The facts are:
- You are in an intimate relationship with this person
- You know that he is watching porn videos a lot AND you find this unacceptable

It does not matter if he knows that you know... you DO know, and you need to talk with him about what you find acceptable or not in a relationship. As Susan said, be your own advocate and don't worry about what is embarrassing or difficult to talk about. You can do it!

May 16, 2010 - 8:44pm
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