share: Almost Half of Women Have Sexual Problems (and the cause is mostly male mishandling)
The title of this posting comes from an item in The Washington Post: By Amanda Gardner HealthDay Reporter Friday, October 31, 2008; 12:00 AM ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/10/31/AR200810... ).
The findings in this "new research" study by author Dr. Jan Shifren, an associate professor of obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive biology at Harvard Medical School and director of the Vincent Menopause Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, both in Boston, is NOT new to me.
At the age of 21 in 1975, in Australia, I attended a series of lectures by Dr. Rickard-Bell, a psychologist, MD, gynecologist and surgeon who had unraveled most, if not all, of the many problems in human sexual relationships - his study implied general dysfunctional in approximately 90% of all sexual relationships - but that figure might be even higher. He blamed most of this dysfunction on the male, with smaller blame carried by female physiological variation and incorrect, non-existent or ambivalent sexual education and the attendant non-maturation of the outside-nerve-centre (clitoris).
As a young man I was intrigued by the possibility of learning something that would allow me to be a better lover and possibly "score" more women, intellectual curiosity was not my prime motivation. By the end of the first lecture I was pretty sure I wouldn't gain the knowledge that would satisfy my original intentions. I was told, in no uncertain terms: that women had the potential to climax on hundreds of thousands of "levels" and that men were lucky to reach five. That the cause of female dissatisfaction was mostly the inept handling of them by males. That a complete climax by a female could only occur in a stable, loving relationship, and, that complete sexual satisfaction for a couple was extremely rare. Being told that I had probably been the cause of a great deal of personal problems for every woman I had thought I had pleased was not very uplifting. At this point intellectual curiosity, and to some degree a hope that what I had just been told was wrong, brought me back to complete the course, and, discover a series of revelations that have proven to be correct over the intervening decades.
What did I learn?
I learned that a woman takes a long time to sexually arouse and that without romance a woman is only capable of experiencing either an "outside nerve-centre spasm" or a "deep nerve-centre spasm", and, that to coordinate the two into a "complete climax" only complete romantic-comfort for the female would do. Women are also slow to come down from a stimulation while a man's interest drops immediately after climax - this is dangerous for men especially when they get up straight afterwards to brush their teeth leaving the woman alone with her passions still high. A man had better cuddle and kiss his woman for a long time after he has been satisfied or suffer the slings and arrows of legitimate discontent!
I learned that only men are able to experience a climax using visual stimulus alone - the reason only men really appreciate pornography - with the ancillary and prime natural reason for this being that males, when they "self-stimulate", are meant to do so with imagination so they are prepared for the real thing when it eventually occurs. Imaginative and prolonged masturbation in males is meant for preparation - the cause of male premature ejaculation is quick masturbation which allows the male only one level of "tension" before ejaculation and only one level of satisfaction! Also, a woman will not have a deep-nerve-centre spasm if the male is not as rigid as necessary (hence the use of rigid sex-toys for women). This is also why women like the lights off and men like the lights on.
I learned that most women believe that a deep-nerve-centre spasm, or an outside-nerve-centre spasm, was a climax, and, this problem was a major psychological reason many women were unhappy with their partner-relationship. Something missing.
I learned that both men and women lose a percentage of their ability to love another with every failed sexual relationship, with men losing the least at first but the most near the end of the loss. Women are the opposite. The doctor estimated that around 10% of the ability to love was lost with each incident.
I learned that men must "use it or lose it" when it comes to masturbation and was given a number of sad case histories as proof. One particularly sad case was of a Catholic man who married his secretary only to disappoint her on their wedding night - he had stopped masturbating when he was 14 and even though the natural emergency wet-dream mechanism had worked for a while he had been devout enough to ignore his body's distress; he was effectively now impotent. The good doctor did have a therapy, but unfortunately with this young man too much time had passed for the therapy to work, divorce followed. I also learned that women lose interest in sex when they approach menopause but rebound with greater enthusiasm after menopause - unfortunately, often a husband doesn't masturbate during this time and becomes impotent, so when his wife suddenly regains her interest his has gone (This is a prime reason for middle-aged divorce!).
I learned that one in seven women suffer from an inverted uterus which causes pain with penetration. Most cases do not interfere with reproduction so most gynecologists would not suggest a surgical remedy. It is when anal sex is less painful that that particular sexual practice becomes preferable. I sincerely suggest that any woman who suffers pain during typical sex see her gyno and find out if her uterus is inverted and then insisting that it be surgically corrected! This will also line up her deep-nerve-centre for stimulation and allow the deep-nerve-centre spasms she has always wondered about.
I also learned that females do not automatically learn to self-stimulate their outside-nerve-centres, as pleasure during sex for a woman is not necessary for reproduction, where in the male it is. The maturation of the clitoris, if done by a male later in life, will be incorrect if not done in a very specific way - very few men are aware of this technique. Too much soothing-strokes will mature the woman so that she wants to sleep when stimulated and too much irritation-stroking during the maturation will mature her to cause pain when she is stimulated - the result is no external spasm in both instances. The best person to mature a female is the female herself when she is young, however, there are several ways to correct the mistake later in life - there is no room in this posting for those remedies to be mentioned, just realise that they DO EXIST. Perhaps in another posting I may elucidate.
I hope this has been something of aid to the many women who suffer under the mishandling of them by my gender. I apologise on their behalf because I know if most of them knew what they do they would not do it.
(I was brought to this forum by the article in the Washington Post and I am not American, though my first wife is - we remain close friends and, truth be known, I still love her dearly. We were star-crossed lovers who met on the phone - before the internet - I proposed to her sight unseen after two months of discussing a patent I was trying to cover at the time. A failed green-card application - due to a marijuana conviction when I was eighteen - and my wife's eventual colon cancer kept us physically apart to this day. She is now well after shark-cartilage treatment in New York, Laytril (sic?) treatments in Mexico and meditation classes in Nevada.)
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Add a Comment4 Comments
Thank you for such an elusive share. It is certainly great information that woman can utilize as a tool for gratification. You should be commended to care enough about your sexual partner to learn so much about what women need to feel satisfied in a relationship. I think most people are pretty selfish in that aspect since of course self-gratification is what we are all about, right?
One thing that I completely agree with about your share, is that woman really need to learn their own bodies in order to become sexually gratified. Men tend to think we are all mechanically the same when we are most certainly not.
Masturbation, for women, is clearly the fundamentals of learning the tools necessary for gratification. Women also talk among themselves to learn the other fundamentals. Let's face it, if women left it up to men to figure out, the world would be a little angrier.
Thanks again for an informative post on sexuality.
November 1, 2008 - 2:18pmThis Comment
Thank you for your thanks, but I don't think I deserve commendation for what is really another small attempt at reparations for some of the misery I inflicted on women during my unenlightened years. And, the intention was not so much to aid women in their search for gratification, though personal sexual gratification is certainly important to the well-being of any person, but more to point out that women should NOT blame themselves by feeling "dysfunctional" - the term "dysfunctional" is really too harsh when the result is that many women just feel themselves to be less than other women, which can destroy a person's self-worth.
(OOPS!) I only just realised I made an error (twice) in the fifth paragraph when speaking of an "inverted uterus", what I should have written was INVERTED WOMB - it is at the entrance to the womb where the deep-nerve-centre is located. Sorry, it was rather late in my time-zone when I wrote the comment. I will edit the error from the original posting immediately.)
The differences between our genders is enormous, yet they are also complimentary. A male will generally make better physical judgments than a woman, yet women nearly always make better emotional judgments than men, except for once a month when hormonal changes throw her better judgments out of whack; but even this has a natural and practical function in a relationship as it allows the airing of grievances that would normally be kept to oneself, where they accumulate.
A way to help a relationship in this regard is to follow a simple rule: for every grievance you wish to resolve be sure it is preceded by three real compliments. For example; after two previous real compliments, after dinner you might compliment your other for his or her cooking, and then just happen to mention that you'd prefer that they didn't leave the cap off the toothpaste. These little annoyances, if not dealt with, accumulate on a list of grievances that only come up when there is dispute - and then they all come out in a torrent.
In my comment I also meant to point out that a female can experience sexual pleasure on a much more intense and many-varied level than a male could ever dream of - every total climax can be potentially completely different for a female, and this is where the greatest pleasure for a male comes from as we are limited to only five levels, and the fifth is rarely reached. Males instinctively know that a female's pleasure is the measure of the sexual experience. Note that men will boast about their prowess with "She loved it! She was begging for more! She couldn't get enough!" rather than being selfish and declaring "I loved it! I was begging for more! I couldn't get enough!".
Female-kind is divided by a near 50% difference, somewhere between 40% and 60% of all women never experience sexual pleasure of any kind. Which is why attitudes between women on many subjects can be so opposite. It is also why most women believe their gender to be inferior in some way, they can see a clear divide inside their own social groups. This is wrong. Females are much better at networking and are naturally more communicative, THEY ARE BORN LEADERS, they are the power behind the throne and the hand that rocks the cradle, yet they account for only a small percentage of the people who govern this world. Unfortunately the only women who manage to make the transition from second-class advisory citizen to decision-making leader are those who display the worst aspects of males! If you ever wonder at the stupid and senseless choices that our leaders often come up with, there is your answer! However, any person from either gender can, with much effort, attain better than the average skills of the opposite gender. Men could, in an ideal world, have some small representation as leaders.
I prefer "self-stimulation" to "masturbation" because so many negative connotations are now related to "masturbation".
There are many reasons why many girls don't learn to self-stimulate during the formative years - they may be restricted by circumstance, having to share a bedroom or not realising that touching herself there felt good, or just being told not to do that when she first noticed it felt good when doing it, perhaps in front of a parent. Being able to experience an outside-nerve-centre (O.N.C) spasm is certainly necessary for a complete orgasm, but, many women do get by with deep-nerve-centre(D.N.C.) spasms, and, because women are most happy when they are emotionally satisfied, if they have a romantic partner sexual gratification becomes less important.
Many males are "naturals" at stimulating females that are capable of O.N.C. spasms but they are mostly inept in the maturation of said O.N.C.. And they are dangerous.
A woman can lose total control when in the throws of arousal when men cannot! Which makes the argument for a male's rape of a female even more ridiculous when they declare that "I was so turned on that I couldn't stop myself", usually blaming the female for her part in his arousal. But the real danger is in that males who are capable of taking away a female's control actually take advantage of the fact and end the encounter with actual penetration, when they would be better served to not. I'll use an example in explanation: Imagine a young couple in in the throws of passion in the not-very-convenient back seat of a car, for instance. He has stimulated her to the point of loss-of-control, and, even though he loves her, decides he's going to go the whole distance. She can't orgasm completely under less-than-perfect conditions and feels that she has been used afterward. Imagine the same circumstance, but instead of taking advantage of her the male tells her in the midst of her loss-of-control that he would like to consummate but that it wouldn't be perfect, and she deserved to have only the best circumstances for the day when they would complete the passion. If he did then bring her to spasm and kissed-and-cuddled her down from its peak it would go a long way toward enhancing the romantic aspect of their relationship. Can you see how this would effect the female's appreciation of him? Even if the relationship didn't come to fruition, the female would always have a place in her heart for the gentleman who treated her well. The loss of the ability to love that comes from seemingly endless failed sexual relationships is very common, and can and does lead to harmful aberrations. This is why complete-sex (including penetration) before marriage is actually a bad idea. This doesn't mean that all sex should be discounted before marriage, in fact, the closer a couple get to the big day the more they should be exploring each others bodies with mutual stimulation! By the way, oral sex is complimentary, which means it's a compliment! It should only be understood to be a compliment as there is no physical pleasure in giving it. You can never ask for a compliment or it ceases being a compliment.
I didn't mean for this reply to become so lengthy but I'm afraid that is what has happened. Sorry about that.
November 3, 2008 - 10:17pmI hope to be able to help my sisters any way I can through this forum, they are all beautiful in their many ways and they are all deserving of better than they get.
Thank you, miscortes, for your appreciation of this male's humble attempt at reparation.
This has been very interesting to read!
I wonder if you learned anything about the communication aspect of sexuality. The male "mishandling" is happening, in part, because of lack of communication about what is pleasurable and satisfying. Anything women (and men) can do about this?
I can assume some of the miscommunication has to do with portions of your post that related to communication: if a woman does not self-stimulate and know her body, she may be unable to tell her partner what she likes. Lack of education plays a role, as women and men do not have some of the basic words to describe body parts; it feels awkward to say clitoris, vagina, penis for some people. It's even more awkward to tell your partner exactly what turns you on, and it can be embarrassing. (I know, it's ironic that people are more embarrassed to TALK about sex that to DO IT!). And, lastly, men may not be able to adequately hear/listen to the woman, because they think they already KNOW (or should know, if they are a "real man") what women want.
So...with all these assumptions and miscommunication...how do we get past these and actually talk about sex with our partners?!!
I would love to hear your thoughts/insight on this!
November 4, 2008 - 4:06pmDear Alison B,
as I mentioned earlier, females make better emotional judgements than males, but their appreciation of sex is a mirror of a male's. Whereas a male climax is approximately 70% physical and 30% emotional, a female's climax is 70% emotional and 30% physical - this translates into it being impossible for a female to climax completely without romance. (I use "female" rather than "woman" because an understanding of love and sex begins long before a girl becomes a woman, the same can be said of men and boys.) Without romance, and complete trust, a female cannot "lose control" - and it is this "loss of control" that elevates a female to that place where explosive release occurs.
It is more difficult for males to understand females mostly because females are the far better communicator of the two, and, it is very difficult for a male, whose ego is super-inflated, to believe he is not a "natural" lover - even brooching the subject can lead to a bad reaction. In this regard your comment "And, lastly, men may not be able to adequately hear/listen to the woman, because they think they already KNOW (or should know, if they are a "real man") what women want." was exactly and precisely correct.
It is a sad fact that many women are unable to experience sexual pleasure of any kind, and those who are fortunate to have matured themselves when they were girls often confuse their O.N.C. spasms with a total climax. Another group of women have experienced deep-nerve-centre (D.N.C.)spasms from time to time but this is less likely with a male unless the male has taught himself, through his own self-stimulation, to achieve a level of tenseness that is generally uncommon (they must spend a lot of time when they self-stimulate else they will not only not reach a higher level of rigidity and climax, but will also suffer from premature ejaculation). Many females experience these D.N.C. spasms with the aid of rigid sex-toys - but this is not a good thing to do as it desensitises the female, and a male can't compete with the rigidity of metal, wood or plastic. Another problem with achieving a D.N.C. spasm with a partner is that a male will often bear down on a female incorrectly and "miss the target" often stimulating their bladder instead - a common occurence as many males will realise when they remember how often a partner has gone to the bathroom immediately after sex.
If a female were to tell her partner what she really liked, the male would most likely, as mentioned earlier, take umbrage by extrapolating that advise into a complaint. You are correct "hitting the nail on the head", again, when it comes to communicating a preference to a male, but a male shouldn't need to be told. Discovering a partner's preferences is part of the romance that should have brought you together. Having said that, a male who loves his partner enough will allow himself to be taught by someone other than his partner, even though he has to swallow his pride. I'm sure there are therapists who would be able to educate him were he to seek them out. The hard part is realising that something is not right.
The loss of the ability to love comes incrementally with every failed sexual relationship and every one-night-stand. It is apparent in both genders. As each failure happens a certain amount of trust is lost until their is no longer any trust left. In a female this is especially disastrous as a male will always be able to climax even if cold-bloodedly but a female cannot without complete trust. For this reason rape should be viewed as a far more serious crime than it is and females should rightly demand severe punishment for those who carry out this thoughtless and damaging crime.
Sometimes the best way to brooch the subject of sex preferences with a partner is to bring a preference to light in an offhand way. With so many references to sex abounding in the media it is quite okay to agree with an example. Direct discussion is rare and fraught with peril, but some relationships are strong enough to handle frank and open opinion. Still, the best thing is to have a third informed party educate the male, something that would happen in a tribal setting in days long past, but now must be sought out, and from a professional stranger.
I hope this has been helpful, should you seek any further opinions or clarification, you know where to ask.
p.s. Electing Obama has greatly improved America's standing around here, a very good thing considering America is in the grip of a serious economic downturn - a lot of people who had boycotted American products over Iraq, torture etc. have now turned 180 degrees. Bravo!
November 8, 2008 - 3:42am