I recently found out my husband has been watching gay porn on the internet. He was at one point chatting with gay men talking about wanting to have sex with them. When I confronted him about it he said that it was just a phase that he was going though and that he is over it now. Before finding out about this it had been over a year since we had sex, sine our child was born. Now I see that he is downloading porn from the net again this time women. I try to keep our sex regular but if we miss having sex one day he will find time alone so that he could jack off. My question is am I the problem or is he a porn addict?
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Hi Unhappyinbrookland,
Welcome to Empowher!
Nobody can tell you whether your husband is gay or not - only your husband can do that. But straight men don't regularly download gay porn, nor do they chat with gay men and divulge homosexual fantasies with them. Gay or bisexual men do that.
So your husband is either gay or bisexual.
He may even be downloading heterosexual porn now in an attempt to "straighten" himself (or hope you catch him (as you have) and believe him to be fully straight. He may be doing this as "proving" his heterosexuality to you) but you can't and don't "fix" gay or bisexual. It is what it is.
Masturbation is also a very natural and normal part of our sexuality and should not be banned or frowned upon. Masturbation has nothing to do with a lack of sexual activity (although it certainly helps relieve stress). People who have wonderful and fulfilling sex lives do it. Kids do it - women do it - monkeys do it!
You are not the problem! Porn may or may not be the problem, we don't know that. Your husband may be using porn as a sexual outlet because he cannot express himself sexually with men, which is what he may want to do. He has replaced men (and you) with porn.
I don't know if he's addicted to porn, but he does not appear to be a heterosexual male and this (not you or porn) is the problem.
You can work with this and agree to remain together if both of you can accept his sexuality, or you can agree to separate and for him to live a more authentic life. Both choices can actually work.
What cannot work is him trying to be straight. There is many a man and woman who enters into a straight marriage every day, who is actually gay. I know several who have done it and it usually does not work (but it can). We need to be true to ourselves but your husband needs to be honest and real to you. Being gay or bisexual is not a "phase" and it's not someone one grows out of.
You do not have to accept him soliciting other men for sex. You don't have to accept his sexuality either. You can chose to end the relationship if you want and if it's the right choice for you, then it's right. Going a year without sex (when only married 5 years) means you have a room-mate, and co-parent relationship, not a married one.
And feeling pressure to have sex, in order to keep him "straight" or stop him from masturbation is an insane way to live! Nobody wants to live like that!
Talk to him! You have to get to the bottom of this or you will live a very unhappy and inauthentic life. You only have one life - make it happy for yourself and your child. Seek therapy (there are therapists who specialize in sexual issues including gay or bisexual issues) and see if you can work things out. If not, then pursue a separation and make your relationship with your husband one of co-parenting and possible friendship.
Unhappyinbrookalnd, you're not to blame. And really, nor is your husband. But he has a duty and responsibility to you to be honest and forthright. Saying that being gay was a phase is a lie to you and perhaps also to himself. He may be as confused and scared as you are. But the bottom line is that your marriage is sexless (unless you initiate sex) and your husband is getting sexual gratification from men. This won't work unless you are both honest, and accept the truth for what it is.
It doesn't mean divorce is around the corner. Bu it means that both of you have a lot of work to do if you want to be happy and provide a stable home for your child.
I know I am a very straight talker here and some of it is tough to read! But this is a real situation that many couples face and being shy or dancing around the issue (and thinking that it can all be different if we just want it enough!) is not going to help. You and he have some tough choices to make and I think if and when he decides to end the charade and be truthful, you can work things out to the benefit of your entire family.
I wish you the best. I hope I have helped you and it's important to know that there is no blame to be cast here! You deserve happiness and you can achieve it if you're willing to make some tough decisions. It sounds like you're trying your best but your husband has to as well.
August 8, 2009 - 12:08pmThis Comment
Thank you very much for your comments. I have felt the same way that he has to be either gay or bisexual because I always thought only gay or bi men look at gay porn. I told him that if you can get aroused by looking at men you must be gay. He denied it of course but I want to work my marriage out but I feel that if we are not honest with one another then it will never work. but thank you for the advice I will wait and see what happens in our relationship. Also he has been looking at hetrosexual porn for as long as I have known him that is not new.
August 8, 2009 - 12:58pmI just wanted to add one comment, just to make sure we're not "labeling" your husband's sexuality prematurely. Women and men both watch and enjoy pornography, and I believe it can be used in a safe manner in a healthy sexual relationship with both partners consenting, feeling respected, and also that it is not the only means of becoming aroused---it is but one "tool" in the couples sexual repertoire.
With this said, there are so many types of pornography that to label someone as gay or bisexual because they are watching this type of pornography is not exactly the best approach. Many people use porn as a way to tantalize the sexual aspects of their life that they would NEVER actual reenact; it's the curiosity or "naughty factor" that is arousing. Women may watch a porn movie with their male partner that involves two women; and if this woman is turned on by this...it does not make her gay, bisexual or a lesbian.
The aspects of your story that I found concerning included:
- Your husband talking with other men about the possibility of sex. This does show an interest in sex with other men beyond watching it on the computer/TV. As Susan said, there is no place for soliciting others for sex (regardless of gender) within a marriage.
- Lack of sexual intimacy currently in your relationship. It may be the porn that led to this, or the lack of sex that lead to the porn, but what matters is that this is a symptom of a larger issue.
- You both have a one year old together, and I'm wondering if this is new behavior that he is exhibiting since having a child? Is he stressed and unable to communicate his needs as a new parent?
Either way, it sounds extremely important for you to both seek marriage counseling with a therapist who specializes in sexuality.
We wish you the best.
August 9, 2009 - 1:21pmGood points, Alison! Straight men who watch straight porn are watching naked men in sexual acts with women - doesn't make them gay or bi! Very true! Same with women.
I was making a deep effort not to 'label' anyone! However, a man who uses porn (also of a gay variety) and who avoids sexual relations with a willing woman and who verbalizes sexual acts with men on-line - I think we can hazard an educated guess here without fear of "labelling"! I think it's ok to bring the "gay or bisexual" thing to the table, based on the information we have.
I've never known of a straight man to approach other men for sex.
As I said, only he can really tell his wife this; but homo or bisexuality is certainly a possibility that needs to be addressed, particularly if past behavior is indicative of future behavior.
"People can change, they always do..." sang Smokey Robinson. But somethings we just can't change.
Unhappyinbrookland, I hope you resolve your problems (and be able to change your name to happyinbrookland!). You can have happiness - it's just going to take lots of work, and lots of honesty from all parties. And anytime you need help, a bit of friendly advice or just to vent a little, we're here for you.
Will you keep us posted?
August 9, 2009 - 3:39pmHi, "Unhappy,"
I think what the others commented here is great -- I just want to let you know that I really feel for you and hope that your husband starts finally opening up and being honest with you. He owes you that much.
Please let us know what happens.
August 9, 2009 - 10:41pm