share: My Mom

Debbie

Again, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. And sorry about the suddenness of everything, giving you not much time to prepare, physically or emotionally.

Right now it's extremely difficult to grieve when you have other issues to sort out, like the situation with your sisters. I think it's a combination of grief, shock, denial and stress. A death brings out the best and worst in all of us because so many different emotions are at the forefront.

You are right - grief does suck. There are many aspects to it, like times when you refuse to even believe what happened really happened, and relief that you were there to say goodbye.

If there are funeral and financial arrangements to be made (is this what the fighting is about?) you are all going to have to sit down and have a meeting, no matter how everyone feels. Your mom deserves to have a service free of in-fighting.

Is it possible for you to call a sitdown meeting, over coffee, at someone's house? I know it's hard to be the "bigger person", especially in the midst of your own grief. Try to get through these first few days and once the services, announcements etc are over, you will have time to focus on yourself.

Where are your kids? Could one of them take a couple of days off? Are you sure they can't? Talk to them and see, between them, if someone can come in to help you.

I also want to connect you to Grief Share - a great community geared to help people deal with devastating loss - just like you are experiencing. Please contact them here : www.griefshare.com

Debbie, do you think you're up to calling your sisters and being kind but firm? Letting them know there's a little work to be done?

You CAN get through this, I promise. I know what it's like to lose a mother, although I was a child, not an adult. But it's a difficult process, no matter how old you are or how old your mother was. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but I know you'll get through it. As cliched as it sounds, it will get better and the pain will begin to subside.

Here are the commonly talked about even stages of grief:

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

You and your sisters are probably in stage 1 right now and stage 2 is happening to you already. Bear in mind that these stages are very normal and everyone goes through them! But there is hope and recovery, I promise!

Your share will help others so thank you. But right now it's important for you to get help. Besides your sisters, do you have a partner/husband or friends who are helping you? I know you have business to take of but you also have to take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your friends or relatives or community. You reached out to us here so you can do it at home too, I promise!

Will you get in contact with a support group? Do you have one locally? If you have trouble finding one, you can let us know where you live (or via a private message) and we can help locate one for you.

Please keep in touch, Debbie and our condolences to you.

Debbie, I'm very sorry for your loss. My mom passed a few years ago and although it was a long illness, it was still emotionally difficult. You have my deepest sympathies.

I am so sorry for your loss, Debbie. I cannot even image what you might be going through. I can tell you that eventually some of the pain will subside, though I know this is not much comfort right now, but keep in mind it is okay to feel the emotions you do.

There is no wrong way to feel. Sometimes you may want support, other times may call for solitude. Just acknowledge those feelings as you have today and time will help heal your loss, even if it never fully fades.

One more thing: Realize that is okay to tell your children, "I need you here." I live far away from my Mom, too, but if she told me she needed me, I would be there, even if for just an hour.

Dear Debbie, I've not lost a mom but I've lost a best friend who was like a mother to me. I can only say how sorry I am for your loss. It's so painful to lose someone you love. I miss Marcia every single day. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about her.

For me, I know Marcia sits on my left shoulder always. I feel her with me every day. Even today, I catch myself picking up the phone to call her. I do however, feel very blessed to have had her in my life for over 16 years. Life would not have been the same for me without my dear, sweet, warm and unconditional loving friend, Marcia. And for that, I will always be truly grateful for the time we had together. I will hold my memories in my heart forever as you will with your mom. I still recall all the fun things we did together and it makes me smile. In the beginning, every time someone mentioned her name I would cry and then as time went by, it seemed to subside. I'm sure your mom will live in your heart forever as well. You will find a way to communicate with her that works for you. It will take time. Time is your friend. Take some time for yourself and do something special for you, to help with your loneliness and pain. Whatever we can do to help you, we will. You can always find emotional support from our entire EmpowHer team and we all extend a virtual hug to you, Debbie. Let us know how you're doing. Take care of YOU right now. Go through the grieving process and take as long as you need. Every person deals with loss in their own way. You will find your way to help ease your pain and hurt. Maybe just posting on EmpowHer has helped you in some small way??? My heart goes out to you!

Big hugs,
Michelle

Debbie,

Please don't apologize for how you feel. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer.

I haven't lost my mom, but I lost my dad. I know the kind of pain you are feeling. It feels like a black hole somewhere in your gut that will never, ever be fixed.

When the grief is this bad, some people say you have to get through just one day at a time. But I say that when you can't think about getting through a whole day, you just focus on getting through one hour at a time. When it's 10, all you have to do is get through until 11. You don't have to think about anything else until then. When 11 finally comes, good job. You did it. And all you have to do is focus on getting through until 12.

At some point there will be a time when you can think about just getting through a day at a time. And you will cry a little bit less. And be able to breathe a little bit more. I promise you. It doesn't feel that you will ever really breathe again. But you do.

I think it is profoundly moving that you were able to be with her when she died. That was an answered prayer, wasn't it? You will always have that knowledge and that gift. You will always know that the strength came from somewhere. You will always know that when she was leaving, she wasn't alone. That in itself will help you during some of the rough times. Focus on the fact that you were there for her.

I think the first week after someone you love dies in some ways feels like a circus. It is a time when we want to be left alone to grieve, and yet here come these phone calls or flowers or decisions or visitors. And we can just barely deal with the fact of our loved one being gone, much less all this other stuff. It is almost as though the world set it up that way, though, to just get us through that first week.

Your sisters might be bickering, but that is how they are dealing with their grief. Each of us is different. They may be feeling different feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt. They may deal with their grief privately later. That's ok too. Don't run away, but don't feel that you have to throw yourself into the activities, either. You had an important time with your mom and that can comfort you.

And I have to agree with Michelle -- be alert for signs that your Mom is there with you. There are times when I know my Dad is with me. I can feel it, out of the blue. It's not imagination, because if it was imagination I would imagine it all the time! Be alert for a dream, for a sense, for a laugh, for a penny in the driveway. Be aware for a nudge that she's there, checking on you, being with you. It may feel like just a whisper. That's all. But you'll know it.

And in the meantime, just an hour at a time. Sometimes it's all we can manage, and that's OK.

I am so glad for you that you were able to find the strength to be there for your mom (and you). My younger brother couldn't bring himself to be there while my father was dying until the last minute and he was grateful that he did find the strength in the end.

You do need to get yourself to spend time among loved ones and find ways of giving yourself to others. These, in my experience, are the best remedies (and time)

Debbie,
So many good words said here today, but the best by far, (and brought tears of happiness) were these:
"And I have to agree with Michelle -- be alert for signs that your Mom is there with you. There are times when I know my Dad is with me. I can feel it, out of the blue. It's not imagination, because if it was imagination I would imagine it all the time! Be alert for a dream, for a sense, for a laugh, for a penny in the driveway. Be aware for a nudge that she's there, checking on you, being with you. It may feel like just a whisper. That's all. But you'll know it."

I lost my only daughter 2 years ago this coming August. I also was by her side. You were very lucky to be there for your Mom.
Take it one day at a time...sometimes in your grief you may find a strength you never knew you had. Life changes, and yes it
does suck at times, but you will be a stronger person in the end.

Bless you and your family.

Debbie, Honey you are so very very normal feeling the pain, the family being at odds...And Michelle has hit it on the head YOUR MOTHER IS STILL WITH YOU! I lost my dear Mother in 1971, I was not yet 30, then I lost my Father in 1988, just after my 48th birthday. Each time my Sister and I had a problem, I've always been there (here in Phoenix), she has lived away and was not here! Each time I have felt the sadness but then I did what I had to do, be strong and do the next step...then months later I would have my breakdown, tears that just wouldn't stop...Time goes by and the sweet dreams come, memories, smells, little things to remind me of my dear parent, or the feeling that one of them is just here....odd and wonderful all at the same time! We are human, grieve is necessary and no one does it the same.

I'm so Thankful that you found EmpowHER and reached out...by sharing YOU are helping someone and maybe WE can help you to know that YOU ARE PERFECT and no matter what you were lucky and blessed because YOU had that wonderful Mother and were there when she needed you most and your courage and strength now is a gift that YOU can share with YOUR SISTERS and others, as well as the tears which are the crystals of your precious soul bathing you!

Debbie, may each minute, hour and day bring YOU something that will be of comfort.

Asking for help is a very powerful step and you have taken it, other steps follow. Know that YOU have done just what YOUR MOTHER raised YOU to do....she gave you courage and strength and you are sharing with others from the EmpowHER community to YOUR SISTERS to all those who share your Mother's love and memories...

Feel the many vitual HUGS that are being sent to YOU and all the BUTTERFLY KISSES...
Respectfully, Princeline