First Trip to the Gyno
I can clearly remember the day Mom and I found out that my missing menstrual cycle was likely not a matter of late blooming, but of reproductive abnormalities. My thoughts automatically go straight to the time AFTER the doctor appointment, never to the appointment itself. In those post moments I see Mom and I holding hands, sort of skipping, and smiling. At least I was. If I think really hard I can see her red eyes and furrowed brow. We had just been told I had an imperferable hymen and that the exam could not be completed. The exam was very painful and the doctor was an impatient ass which is probably why I don't often revisit that part of the day. He notified us he was handing my case over to the senior doc. The one I wanted to see in the first place with the kind and gentle reputation.
To break the silence while Mom and I were walking out to the car I said, "See? I told you I hadn't been doing the wild thing. Mom broke out into laughter and tears and that was when we clasped hands, and spent the remainder of the day laughing together.
After that, though, the doctor visits became frequent. An ultrasound showed no uterus so I had to have a laparoscopy, which is a minimally invasive surgery inserting a telescope in through my belly button to have a look around. We found cervix and ovaries, but no uterus. That was a dark day. In my mind all I could think was "freak show who can't have kids." I was nineteen years old and had just met a new boy I really liked and this whole vaginal agenesis thing was beating down my confidence.
The Mental Stress
The dreams began immediately. The setting was always different but the scenario was the same. I was in a dark place running from room to room trying to find my baby. I could hear it crying for me but I could never get to it and I woke up scared and sobbing. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to worry. Plus, I saw the whole thing as nonsense.