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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
I am broken.....
February 13, 2015 - 9:08amMy husband of 31 years has broken me....
This Comment
I also am broken. My husband was never like this before, we have been together since 1992 the last 7 yrs have been getting worse to the point that I have gotten high blood pressure 214/135 I am told how worthless I am and called vulgar names everyday. He says he does not love me anymore, that it is my fault for being unloveable. I can't even escape him at work now because he calls my phone and screams hurtful things on my messages. I am trapped, he has made it so he has to drive me everywhere, he picks me up from work and I know I will be yelled at the entire 45min drive home. He doesn't have a job and I have supported him and our two children most of our life together, he would not have a place to live without me as I make the house payments. He used to be loving and caring, but somewhere he changed, our children moved out as soon as they hit 18 because of his temper. I keep hoping that he will return to the man I fell in love with, I feel like I lost my best friend and I have no one to turn to, not even family. He was screaming at me in the car one time and I started to have chest pains and couldn't breath, he told me he would drop me off at the hospital or I could hurry up and die, he didn't care which. This is a man I have been with for 23 yrs! I don't know how to live with him or without him, I feel lost at 47yrs old. I also found out he was emailing women on adult sites and Craigslist, yet he accuses me of flirting or cheating with every coworker when I haven't. He even used my phone, texted a suggestive message to a 25yr old man who works where I do and when he replied, also suggestively he came to where I work and threw the phone at me and accused me of cheating. I am still getting yelled at over this, when he did it not me! It's getting harder to hide it everyday, I go to work crying, I go home crying, there is a constant fear of what he will say or do. He has also threatened to hit me with his fist and drive me across the room, he hasn't done that yet, although he did push me and hit me once. Mostly it is just the screaming in my face.
March 6, 2015 - 2:57pmThis Comment
Hi, Cheryl.
You said something that surprised me. That you're hoping he will return to the man you fell in love with? I think you know that that's not going to happen. And I dare say this side of him was always there under the surface, he just kept it from you.
You may not have anyone to help you but yourself, but that's enough for you to do something. Stop waiting for him. It's time for you to take the step that you know you need to take.
March 13, 2015 - 9:57amThis Comment
I haven't found an article that directly deals with a wife who emotionally abuses her husband, I was recently laid off and my wife is now the primary bread winner, she acts as though it is my fault that companies are going out of business, and when he boss treats her badly she takes it out on me directly, saying it is my fault I made her so angry she hit me or slapped me or yelled at me.
February 10, 2015 - 6:46amThis Comment
One of the first comments on this article was from a man who expressed that he was being abused in a similar way by his wife to what I describe in this article. Men are certainly not exempt from feeling the same levels of abuse. I did actually write an article about women who abuse based on his comment.
Women can abuse, too, and I will say what I tell the women ... you don't deserve to be treated this way. It's a very stressful time for both you and her. I know what it's like to be out of work, and I've seen the effects of being out of work on a man -- It's not good. You have to figure out if her words and actions are simply out of frustration. There's a lot of pressure on her right now to make financial ends meet. She may feel like she's carrying the entire load herself. At the moment, financially she is and that weighs on women in a different way than men because there are so many other things expected of a woman. Emotionally, you're just as stressed out about being unemployed as she is. Unfortunately, she can't see that and takes her emotions out on you. There's a difference between sharing in those emotions and carrying them together as a couple/family, and playing the blaming game -- which it sounds like she's doing, when there really may not be anyone to blame.
Are you helping out in other ways to so that her at-home responsibilities aren't staring her in the face when she walks in the door. Are you putting out resumes, calling businesses, looking at retraining opportunities and financing that might help you get more employable skills. The value of a person isn't necessarily solely defined by how much money they bring in to a family, but how much more possible it is for the money makers of the family to do what they need to. Even though you feel the burden of unemployment just as much as she does, she needs to see that you understand how that burden impacts her, as well, and you can do that by helping in other areas. (Also, you need to do this for yourself, so that you know you've done all you can to find work and to help her during this tough time. You can't do it solely for the hope that she will notice and appreciate it. You need to do it because it's the right thing to do.)
March 13, 2015 - 10:15amThis Comment
get into marriage counseling, now; or go yourself.
February 10, 2015 - 7:31ammake the appointment today.
do not let her hit you or yell at you again; walk away or out of the house.
if you let things continue, they will not change.
change is what you need.
take care of yourself, first.
This Comment
I have been married for 10 years. This is my second marriage my first husband had an affair that produced a child. I was divorced for 7 years working on myself and afraid I would choose the wrong man again. Well I did. It started out wonderful. He has 4 children and I have 2. The oldest were only 10 when we started dating. We got married and I started to notice change in him. I would take my boys to their sports tournaments and every time he would call screaming about something so my trip would be ruined. I would go out to dinner with friends he would call and ruin that as well. No matter what he ruined it all for me.Until I stopped doing anything. I had a lot of friends and family I quit seeing because it was too much trouble. I had a black lab he said hews allergic made her sleep outside in the bitter cold. He made me feel bad when I went to say goodnight to my boys.
Now, he calls me childish, I don't know anything. He screams he told me recently on the phone when I was trying to make a point he said "shut up you god dame bitch." The other night when I was sound asleep he woke yelling and I never speak he goes on and on. He told me if he had not married me I would have beg someone. I know that's not true. I'm a 48 year old model. I am told often from stranger how attractive I am. He is so mean to me.
I have enough money to live on for the rest of my life. My ex husband did cheat on me but he is a loving kind person. We are great co parents I'm still close to him and his family.
My husband got anger recently and poured a glass of wine over my head. He rants about how Christian he is but I beg to differ.
All my decision are based on fear. Do I want to start a life over again. He won't let me work either. He is so jealous of everyone. I started playing tennis I see him checking up on me. I had to lie and tell him my instructor is a woman. Help! What do I do. He has never said he sorry unless I say it first
February 5, 2015 - 3:58pmThis Comment
I'm with the others. You know what you have to do.
As for him claiming to be a Christian, if he ever brings that up, I would probably say something like, "Gee, I don't think the Bible ever says anything about Jesus treating other people this way." This is not what love does. This is what fear and hate do (on his side). He is governed by fear himself, and now he's got you in that cycle as well.
You need to get out.
March 13, 2015 - 10:20amThis Comment
i think you know what you need to do.
what are you waiting for?
start, today.
February 10, 2015 - 7:37ammove out. take care of yourself, your children and your dog.
move forward.
This Comment
Hi,
I am 29 years old and mother of 3 months old baby.We have been married for 5 years now. Our marriage was arranged by our family.He is 9 years older than me anyway we met in 2009 then we dated for a month than we got married and he came back to Australia after 10 th days of our marriage.
I stayed with his brother and sister- in - law as his parents died when he was a kid. His family emotionally tortured me in every possible way but when he is away ,I tried to tell these things to my husband but he never believed on me. 12th day of our marriage his elder sister ask me to give all my gold jewellery to my brother- in -law ( his elder brother ) when I refused that , my husband told me I am greedy what so ever and made me to give some of them as a gift. However I stayed with them 1 year but my husband told his friend I never stayed with his family and I didn't do anything for them and for him. In 2011 I arrived in Australia I thought that everything will be all right now, but I was wrong.
As soon as I arrived Australia my husband forced me to start working, he told me I am fat I will never get any job here, no one will keep me as a employee. From then I start loosing my faith on me. After 1.5 month I got a job then he start asking me to get a better job with more hours.
as soon as I got part time job his elder brother ask a apartment for him and my husband gave all his savings to his brother and left nothing for me. He always blame me because I don't have white colour job, He is earning good money but he never thinks to spend on me. He always loves to spend on his family. He told me he loves his brothers and sisters more than me. In our 5th wedding anniversary he bought me flowers but he gave his sister Samsung Tablet.When I was pregnant I did work and study but he never appreciate me. I was really tired after work he made me to do cooking and cleaning and when I took my maternity leave he ask his nephew to come over as a student and put all the responsibilities on me. Now I feel so depressed I don't feel like talking with him. I know I love him but he always tease me that I love jewellery in front of everyone but he never ever got me anything. he said that our marriage is not working because I don't have better job, I am not skinny he is not happy with me. he never say I love you I need ask him to say plz say I love you, never say sorry after fight He never say yes anything I ask for. If I ask him please we will go out for a dinner he says no " look at you. You are fat " I am 55 kilo and I am 159 inch. I don't know what to do and where to go. cant share with anyone but cant deal with this anymore please give me some advice.
February 3, 2015 - 11:53pmThis Comment