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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
Thank you for your encouragement. I experienced his another " normal" or "abnormal" burst of anger again yesterday evening. He would lash out his temper virtually over anything, so unpredictable. I have to minimize my contact with him and still, as husband and wife, there are something we have to talk, discuss, clarify. It is really like i am walking on eggshells as he could be triggered by anything. He decides the moods of our family. If he is in good mood, we can talk and have peaceful interaction. Otherwise, without any sign, he could suddenly raise his voice, intonation, begin to accuse me, blame me. I think I am devastated, stuck in this misery. If I leave, outside there are so much hidden stigma tagged on a divorced woman, "loser", "failure". Staying inside marriage is like living in a hidden hell.
June 29, 2015 - 3:43pmThis Comment
I just wish I had known the signs and had the information available years ago. I was with my ex husband 29 years. He was a professional person, very good at manipulating people. He liked to come across as the good guy, friend, son and husband to other people. He was moody, constantly critical, controlled everything. Money, what could or could not be spent on the house. He made me feel like I was walking on eggshells most of the time. He made me feel guilty if I went out when he was at work but I was not wanted to work as I was needed to look after the kids. His job was important and suggestion of my working was put down. I was accussed of being over sensitive if I complained about his put downs or mean jokes. My health suffered, I became depressed. He wanted sex and lots of it but I was often reeling from the emotional hurt or lonely because of his long moods. He could keep these moods up for days until I backed down and did what he wanted. There was always a reason why I couldn`t do things and have some freedom to go shopping, out with a girlfriend. Things were financially tight. We had to be careful, not make unnecessary car journeys. We had a mortgage, a practice loan (Medical) at one point school fees. Even when the kids came out of private school it was the same. He was very good at make up valid reasons as to why I was made to feel guilty if I disabayed. I didn`t contribute financially. He didn`t want me to work. I had underlying health problems take off which he refused to accept. He made me doubt myself. Even when I got diagnosed with a multi system inflammatory disease he continued to convince family and friends he didn`t think I had it. Eventually I realised I didn`t voice an opinion any more for fear of ridicule in both public and private. Then he started to become abusive in bed. He threatened to take my children from me even though they were either at university or about to start. I ended up trying to commit suicide as I felt there was no way out. I felt I was the problem, if only I was like..... if I was prettier, had more conversation. Had a job which made me equal then I could have a say or choices. I was made to feel I had brought nothing in to the relationship. Everything was about him, his job. His hobbies. How knowledgeable he was, how witty he was. What a good husband, father and friend he was. In reality he was a complete control freak. Because I rang my eldest sister who was several counties away asking her to take a caring interest in my kids if I was not there anymore she talked to me and spotted the warning signs which I was by this time incapable or recognising. She got medical help and stepped in the help and guide me through such a terrible time. It took two years to finally get divorced. I had never been told about finances, assets, pensions, savings. After a death in my family and his playing the children to side with him I ended up in hospital with heart problems. Thankfully kind friends stepped in to look after me as I had no family around. Did I take him to the cleaners. No, I walked away with considerably less than the judge recommended. I couldn`t take any more. By this stage I couldn`t say a sentance without stuttering or shaking. My kids were in a state too. As I said my ex was a very good manipulator. Yes I had a breakdown, He kept the family home and I was the one to leave. I couldn`t physically look after a big house and garden. Yet it turned out he was the one with the affair. Nearly 10 years ago I didn`t even know how to use a computer. I had never paid a bill. Made any sort of financial decission as I was never allowed to. Why didn`t I leave earlier. I was so put down, chipped away at, made to feel so inadequate I had lost confidence. I couldn`t work due to health problems and inflammatory arthritis. He could be so charming and convince me the situation we struggled financially for years would improve when the children got older. Left school and went on to college. I believed him. He would every so often buy me some lovely gifts which were for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. But as time went on I couldn`t understand why friends younger than us had holidays, did their homes up etc and they were younger than us and would have had less coming in than a professional person. By then I was recognising his behaviour as controlling. I was also being excluded from evening out as it wouldn`t have been something I would have enjoyed. I suspected he was having an affair and accussed him of it. Which of couse he denied. My youngest found out and took me on one side. Telling me that know matter what I did to try and make daddy happy it would never be enough. I felt angry and hurt and thought I would never get over it. Nine years on and I have built a new life by the sea. I still have some close friends from my previous marriage. Plus some lovely new ones. It has been a steep learning curve and I am still growing. People like me for myself. I am not the wittiest. Or as pretty and slim as I once was. High dose steroids have contributed to that. But I am no longer depressed. I have a lovely kind partner who loves me just as I am. My kids have become closer as they realise no matter what the distance I am only a phone call or a 4.30 min car journey away. They are just pleased I am happier and content with my life by the sea. I tell you all my story to let you know there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am not that person any more. I have done several college courses. Plus learnt how to use a computer. Had many compliments of my various abilities in dealing with people and difficult situations. This week I am running for election. I never thought I would ever end up in politics. Albeit local government ones. I have achieved more in the last 9 years than I did in nearly 30 before my divorce. Do I regret my first marriage, I wouldn`t have had the lovely, kind, bright and thoughtful children I have. I only wish there had been more information available when I was going though that time of my life. My biggest bug bear - my GP who was a friend of the family not being honest with me when I ended up ill in hospital. With various tests Chlamydia was picked up. I didn`t know it was sexually transmitted. I even asked that question only to be told it can take off like thrush can if a person is run down or immune system is compromised. I had never been unfaithful. Absolute B...Sh...!! Then again, maybe because my ex was a medical professional I was told this. Or maybe my GP was trying to be kind to spare me the upset the reality would cause. I tell anyone in an abusive relationship. Seek help, be honest with your doctor and family. When a person is not respected then how can they be properly loved and cared for. Quite simply they can`t. Get yourself out of the abusive situation. Yes it will be hard. But long term it will be well worth it. You deserve happiness. Only you can be the one to do anything about it. You will find it daunting. But remember this - each new day after that toxic relationship will be a new day every day for the rest of your life. Make the most of it, try new things without fear of failure or ridicule. You will be amazed at how much you will grow emotionally and confidently. Do it, life is not a dress rehearsal - you will get over it and you will heal. You cannot change a control freak, you can no longer make or accept excusses. Get advice, take control. It is your life, don`t lose any more time. You have lost enough of it already.
May 4, 2015 - 6:16pmThis Comment
Just wondering why the article refers to the victim as female and the abuser as male. It is very common for this to be reversed.
May 3, 2015 - 1:13pmThis Comment
I don't know what to do. I have been married for 6 years and I feel I have been unhappy for 5 of them. I feel like everything is my fault half the time and the other half I know I'm so depressed because of how I am being treated. Sex isn't appealing to me and I can go weeks without if I let it happen. Sex is supposed to be intimate and full of love and a deep connection yet I don't feel appreciated or loved and cherished so it's become a new chore. My husband and I got a house a year ago and because my credit isn't great we put it in his name alone. Last weekend he told me during a fight "oh I forgot, this is YOUR house..." This cut me like a knife. I cried all night and we didn't speak from Sunday until Wednesday. Wednesday it was an awkward conversation and nothing was solved. Today during text message he completely shred me apart. Threatening to leave if I don't change etc. I don't have family here and they are thousands of miles away. I work full time but don't make enough to support myself and our two children. I feel so trapped. I love him but I need to love myself as well. I don't know what to do. I don't have money or a place to go that's my own. I told him if I got into a car accident I'm not even sure he would come to make sure I was ok. He shrugged and said well if that's how you feel that's on you. It's always "on me" when will it be "about me" :(
April 23, 2015 - 7:16pmThis Comment
Please contact me at mom23angels @ yahoo and let me know how your doing. Where do u live? I'm in a similar situation and would love to communicate with you as I have few friends due to the relationship. Tammy
May 19, 2015 - 6:20pmThis Comment
Hi, I'm a man that has a history of being the way your saying your husband was to you... Until about three years ago.. it was as if I didn't even recognize the way I was treating my amazing wife.. We got married in 2001 and have two children together.. I have mistreated her for many years and she stuck by my side.. I've called her name after name, and demeaned her... I cheated on her quite a few times unknown to her until 4 years ago.. I always made her out to be wrong in every situation, and even when she was right, I made feel guilty for being right, as if she was wrong in being right... She warned me time after time that if I didn't change she was leaving... And all I could respond with was I'm who I am, I've always been me, I'm not changing for anything.. Well three years ago, she had finally had enough and after many warnings she left... Ever since she left we have remained married on paper, we share in responsibility of the children(they live with her) not not one moment has gone by that I do not regret the way I treated her and through long talks(at first many heated arguments) we have worked through alot of our differences... But the hesitation remains, in her allowing us to try again to be together... She says she has forgiven me, and I know she loves me.... But she says she just doesn't know if she can ever be IN love with me... again... The many years of verbal and emotional abuse have driven a huge void in her ability to feel love for me (or anyone) the way she once did... And my apologies and regrets will never amount to nothing in comparison.. To the damage years of abuse have caused.... She is truly an amazing woman to endure what I have put her through, and through years of soul searching and growth, I can barely live with myself knowing the horrible husband (child) that I was.... I don't know if we can ever get past our past, but I'm willing to spend my present, and as much of my future as it takes to show her, and our children that I am a new man.... And have learned what is most important in life, and I know I don't deserve another chance.... But this bond that we had, and still do share(our marriage) does deserve a new start.....
May 4, 2015 - 7:35amThis Comment
Thanks for sharing that (to anonymous).. what courage and strength. It gives me hope.
May 19, 2015 - 5:37pmThis Comment
I feel bad that your going through this. Your not alone, matter of fact your husband sounds like a deadringer of mines. I had bad credit, so we put our house in his name too. During an argument I told him to just "get out of my room". He said " this isn't your house, your name isn't even on it". I felt so insignificant, small you know. Telling this man how I'm feeling was like speaking to a brick wall. He would always without fail tell me if that's the way you feel that's on you. We've been to counseling, ive prayed, he blames me for all of our issues. He disrespects me in front of our daughter. I also didn't live around my own family, I know how you feel. I finally got the courage to take our daughter and walk away. Left a beautiful 3,000 sq. home, crammed with beautiful things. So happy I did, I can breath again, lose this weight and have a sound mind. Now I'm not telling you to leave your husband, but I'm telling you the reality is emotional abusers do not change. I've lived it hun, no matter how many times I cried, prayed, or pleaded with him to hear me, nothing changed. One day your going to have to make a decision to save yourself, your mind, and your children need to witness a healthy relationship.
May 1, 2015 - 5:24pmThis Comment
I feel your pain. I know how it is. I am so sorry you have to go through this, no one should.
April 29, 2015 - 6:09amThis Comment
Hi anon - im so sorry you are going through this. Just know I understand! I know it seems like an awful situation with you and your children where you feel (and he says) that it's all on you and he doesn't really care about you or your feelings. I have been in a similar situation where my husband's behavior escalated to where his parents almost called the police because of how he was treating our 4 year old son. I realized then that I had played a part in this by not setting boundaries and standing up for what is right. Here is what I suggest - research the abused women's shelters in your area - emotional and verbal abuse ARE abuse!! Make a plan to go there if you feel unsafe - you can take your children with you. Start setting boundaries NOW. Here is where I had trouble - instead of setting myself up to fail I started being assertive and letting his behavior be his behavior. So for example, in the past I would have allowed my husband to say "you are being ridiculous for asking me about (insert non-ridiculous topic that normal people would be able to albe asked about here) and I don't want to talk about it". I would have been intimidated or sad and just got mad and depressed. Instead, I started saying (very calmly) "I'm sorry but that's not acceptable - I am your wife and I should be able to ask you about things. If you need time to think that's one thing but another thing to dismiss it so do you need time?" Then he'd say something like "I don't know what you expect here, I have sacrificed a lot/taken care of you/put up with you and this is what i get in return?" Then I say "I'm not sure what you mean by "put up with you" can you explain?" Eventually asking very CALM but specific questions will provide clarity about his motives and thoughts. Because men are idiots and think they can say whatever and we are supposed to understand that then we get caught in no one understanding. If you want to leave and take your family to start again, you want to be very clear that you know that this person is evil and not just misunderstood. I would also research a marriage counselor and provide that as an ultimatum. When you decide to leave (probably when he's gone) leave a note with the counselor's information and say you are not returning until you hear from that counselor that progress is being made and you are safe. If he refuses then you know where his heart is. Sometimes men have to be forced to make a decision. Especially ones that go around blaming everyone else - he will blame you until Jesus comes back (and probably your fault Jesus didn't return sooner!) until you assertively stand up for what is right and do not waver. That doesn't mean you try to walk all over him because you are resentful, it just means in a given moment starting NOW you choose to confront him about what's right when it comes up. My husband told my 3 year old that (because she didn't take a nap and he'd rather Her be not bothering him) that he wasnt "thrilled to see" her. I was standing there and she ran over to me and I just plainly said to him "that's not very nice" because I also have a responsibility to my daughter to teach her that someone saying that to her is not ok, it's not nice (which is exactly what I said). He got mad that I pointed something out to him (heaven forbid!) and went and pouted. We were better off with him off by himself (his choice) and if he wants to leave - there's the door. Get documents that you need scanned into a flash drive that is with you at all times and just be ready. Dealing and leaving a man like this takes courage - you have it, you just need a plan. Make the plan and be ready to implement it, if necessary.
April 24, 2015 - 1:02amThis Comment