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People ask me about sex every week, and they usually expect a straight answer. I’m more likely to talk about the question, which typically reveals a lot about the assumptions, history, and agenda of the person asking it.
My intention is more than simply giving information. I want to enhance people’s Sexual Intelligence—helping them see sex as being about more than penises, vaginas, and orgasms. There are people attached to those body parts we’re all so fascinated with, and that’s where my answers often start—with people.
Here are a few questions men ask me week after week.
Q:
What do women want in sex?
A:
That’s like asking “what do women want in food?”
We can answer in a general sense: something that tastes good, is the right temperature for the food (burger hot, ice cream cold, bread in-between), is clean and looks nice.
Is that any help at all? Does that tell you what kind of food a particular woman wants, the kinds of places she likes to eat, and whether she prefers a margarita or a glass of milk? Does it tell if she’s a vegetarian, or if she’s on a diet? No.
If you want to know what women want from sex, it’s pretty much what men want: a combination of pleasure and closeness. A sense of being special, of being desired, and of being able to say yes when she wants to say yes, and no when she wants to say no—without drama. And while this is all accurate, you really need much more information, right?
So if the question is “what does this particular woman want in sex,” I suggest you ask the world’s expert on what she wants. And that isn’t me, or other sex therapists, or your sister or ex-wife.
It’s the woman herself. What does she want in sex? I don’t know—I suggest you ask. And then listen.
Q:
Other than Viagra, how can I make sure I’m always hard when I want to be?
A:
You can’t. Good news: you don’t need to be.
People can have perfectly fine sex without erections. Just as importantly, every man and woman has to learn how to enjoy sex without erections because sooner or later, that’s exactly the position you’ll find yourself in.
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