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I am afraid i might have a unhealthy sex drive

By Anonymous February 6, 2009 - 3:48am
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I am a bisexual female that is 20 years old and i am afraid i might have an unnaturally high sex drive. I can make love to my partner for hours and stll be up and ready to go again. I feel it necessary to masturbate or have sex almost every night and i still dont really feel satisfied... what am i doing wrong?

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i am 40 i consider myself sexually hyper active because see even if i am only talking to my boyfriend on the phone i started to become wet and ready to explode with orgasm. Is this condition a result of having undergone ligation? And also another problem i have encountered if i cannot have sex i feel depressed to the extent that i cry with no reason at all.this has bothered me for quiet a while now.

March 4, 2010 - 10:31am
EmpowHER Guest

I just turned 50 last week. In the last six months, I have lost over 50 pounds, am eating a very healthy diet full of whole grains, fruits, vegetables, no red meat and limited fat intake. I feel physically better than I have in 20 years! I have been working out, riding my bicycles, taking long, brisk walks, and doing yoga. The problem is that my sex drive has been increasing drastically. The better I feel physically, the higher my sex drive gets. I have been married for only 10 months to my high school sweetheart. (My husband of 20 years died of cancer in 2005). I am very much in love with my husband. I don't want to put pressure on him to have sex so I have been masturbating to satisfy what is becoming an uncontrollable urge. I've let him know how turned on I've been and he is rather put off by it. Unfortunately, I have found myself getting very angry (unlike me normally) and these sexual urges just won't go away. Masturbation works for a couple of hours and if I get upset or angry, I get even more aroused. I've gotten in the car for a drive just so I could scream at the top of my lungs and no one would hear me. I have cried uncontrollably, which really upsets my husband. I don't want him to feel like he's inadequate. When we make love, it is wonderful, it's just not often enough! I feel like my emotions are out of control. I stopped having periods at the age of 42 and only had menopausal symptoms (hot flashes and night sweats) for about 6 months. Up until now, my sex drive has been normal to low, actually. I feel like something is terribly wrong with me. Going for a walk or riding my bike to use up energy increases my sexual feelings even more instead of tiring me out. I have tried praying and meditating. I'm feeling ashamed of this constant state of arousal and want it to go away. Could all of my physical improvements and well-being have kick-started some sort of hormone imbalance? I need help. I'm afraid of the anger and even rage this is causing. It feels like there's some kind of alien juices flowing and burning throughout my entire body. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I need help. i really need help.

June 21, 2009 - 4:20pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I'm glad you found EmpowHer...let's see if we can help you.

After reading your story and questions, I'm wondering if you are feeling sexually satisfied after being intimate with your husband (on most occasions)? You mentioned that sex with your husband is wonderful but it's "not enough"...could you be more specific?

I'm also wondering if you feel that he is meeting your needs in other areas: do you feel that he is providing you with the attention, communication, emotional connection, understanding and love that you are desiring and needing?

The reason for my questions are to know more about your current situation, even if it is difficult to talk about the truth (you can still have a happy marriage, but want or need a few things to change...it's OK!). We can help you begin to sort out what you are lacking or needing more of in your marriage, both the sexual intimacy aspects and other factors as well.

It's unfortunate that your husband is turned off by your higher sex drive, but I can see from his point of view: he may feel intimidated, you may come across as demanding, he feels inadequate as you mentioned...or any other issue(s) that are no one's fault, but once defined, can be addressed. This is one area where you can modify your behavior towards him, and observe yourself. Have you talked with him (when you are not highly aroused) about what he likes/dislikes about his sex life and intimacy with you? How often does he like to have intercourse versus other acts of intimacy? What do you both have in common as far as your preferences, and what is different? Is a compromise possible?

It does make sense that you are feeling more sexual and free to express your sexual-self, as you have a new husband, you have recently lost weight, you have reached milestones in your life (menopause) with relatively little/no symptoms, your exercising and healthy... life is good! :-)

Can you tell us more about this "uncontrollable urge"? Is it impairing your life to such an extent that this is all you think about, or does it cycle through some days as being more difficult than others? Would you describe this urge as happening always, frequently, often? Have you noticed any triggers (beyond exercising, which does make sense: your heart rate is increased, blood flowing, breathing is accelerated...the same responses as what occurs in the Sexual Response Cycle during Sexual Arousal!). I'm wondering if simply knowing that you are OK and normal will help you feel better, that there is likely nothing wrong with you?

If not, then we can help you further, and perhaps talking with your Gynecologist about your high libido can also help. Hope to hear back from you soon.

June 21, 2009 - 8:14pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Hi, Alison, and thank you for responding to my plea for help . It took a while before the response showed up on my e-mail, but I have since joined Empowher as a member. You asked if my husband is meeting my needs in other areas, i.e. attention, communication, emotional connection understanding and love. I reflected on this for some time and am very sorry to say that quite often he is not. He can be very distant at times, bordering on cold. He is bi-polar and does take medications (prozac, lithium, the highest allowable dose of neurontin and tricor for a pre-diabetic condition). I think he often "tweeks" his meds according to how he's feeling, esp. the neurontin. He is often edgy and irritable and at times, I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells, adjusting and censoring what I say and how I say it so as not to set off one of his "moods".

In reviewing my situation, I can see that sex is only one facet of the problem I am dealing with in this marriage. The "uncontrollable urge" is not all I think about and it seems to cycle right along with my husbands moods! As another woman mentioned, I do become more aroused during and after an argument. I think it must be frustration and anxiety triggering the sexual response. It's not sex, per se, that I am desiring so much as the feeling of closeness which seems to be missing. There seems to be a wall between us so very often. I know deep down he loves me, though he is having a very difficult time expressing it. My needs, when I express them, seem to make him angry. He says things like, "I guess I'm not enough for you". We have sought counseling from our pastor (just had a session this Sunday after church) but he tends to get up and walk away if he hears something he doesn't like.

I am sure there is much I can do to change. I can take care of a lot of my needs myself by connecting and finding love with other people in my life (friends, my 2 grown children). I can try not to allow his moods to have such an effect on me and I DO try. When he is angry with me over other issues, he often withholds sex and all other forms of attention for that matter, as a form of "punishment". I am tired of getting to the point of frustration that I am actually begging him to open up and communicate his needs. It feels demeaning which turns into resentment and bitterness. I know I'm jumping around a lot. Perhaps I need to "lighten up" and go with the flow. It is so much easier said than done. We does enjoy being caressed when we get into bed at night. He just lies on his back and I touch his belly and chest, give him full-body massages,etc. That is very one-sided. He also enjoys receiving oral sex. When it comes to my needs, however, he's too tired or not in the mood. It's been over a month since we've made love. He does NOT like me to initiate sex at all and twice in the past month, he did initiate it and then, out of the blue STOPPED right in the middle with no explanation why. He does not like to be questioned as to his motives. He wants what he wants when and how he wants it. I do not know what to do to get past his unwillingness to communicate, sexually or otherwise. I guess anxiety is my main problem and I've noticed it in the sexual arousal area because that has been so blatantly obvious. I really don't want sex just for the sake of having sex. I want to be "made love" to. That is what is missing, it's just manifesting itself as sexual arousal. I'd appreciate any input on what to do. Thanks so much.

July 14, 2009 - 8:49am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi I have been married for 10 years but have been suffering for three years from an unusual high sex drive. I am 46 now but before, my sex drive was normal. Before I would have sex and I would not have any feelings of wanting more after intercourse. Now the sensation of arousal is always there and I feel in the vulvar part including clitoris, the urethra and the labias.
I have seen many doctors and none has been able to help me. I have seen OBGYN's, and newrologyst but they look at me like if I was crazy and do not take me serious. The feelings start with burning and then the arousal comes. But even though I have sex with my husband, also I have the need to masturbate sometimes, and when I do it the sensation gets worst. One thing I have noticed lately is that one thing that triggers the symptoms is when I get irritated due to an argument with my husband. I get upset and engage in a fight with him, then I feel that the arausal is coming. I have not kids, and my life with him has been very irritable, always fighting and one reason I have not left him is this one. Before I did not have a problem, I could fight and get in an argument all I wanted and I would not feel anything but now I have this problem. Why is it that the feelings of having sex increase when I get in a fight? Is there a chemical that my body releases that affects that area? I am realy desperate because this has interfered with my life totally, I am not the same anymore, I have lost power over almost everything due to this, I cannot concentrate anymore, I cry because I do not want to feel anything. I feel traped and no matter what activity I do or when I am at work the burning sensation is there constaly. Help me please.

April 2, 2009 - 11:28pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You said you have talked with a Gynecologist and Urologist, but it sounds like you could benefit from talking with a mental health professional: a therapist. I say this because your relationship does not sound like a happy or healthy one, and a therapist can help. The therapist can also help you realize the link between your irritation/fights/arguments with your husband and your arousal.

I hope this will ease some of your concerns, as it makes perfect sense why a fight with hubby would "cause" you to have feelings of arousal. The Sexual Response Cycle (from Cleveland Clinic) details what physically happens when we become sexually aroused:
- Muscle tension increases
- Heart rate quickens
- Breathing is accelerated
- Skin may become flushed
- Blood flow increases...

...do these sound familiar? These are also the same physical responses that humans have when we are angry, mad, frustrated or irritated.

I can also see a link emotionally, too. If you feel that there is a lack of passion, emotional connection, communication or energy between you and your husband, and the few times you do feel these occur during an argument...then through the arguing you have his full attention, he is more/less communicating, and he is showing emotion and you are both energized (for a while).

Movies play on this theme, too. How many movies have you seen that contain images of "make up" sex?! Either the plot includes an already-established couple, or the two are bitter enemies engaged in an emotional or physical battle. They become so "worked up" that they "can't control themselves" and wind up in bed together.

Even though there is a link or connection that we can theoretically make, it does not make this a healthy or happy connection. The energy, passion and emotional connectedness you feel while fighting with your husband is misplaced, and I'm guessing the fighting is not a "turn on" for him? If so, even more reason to talk with a trusted marriage counselor, who can help you sort out your true feelings, and direct your energy towards healthy encounters within the boundaries of a happy and healthy relationship.

June 21, 2009 - 7:52pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Hi Alisson, I am sorry I did not reply sooner.
I have read your response.
I had not thought about seeing a therapist...a mental therapist? or a Sexual Therapist? where can I find one online? I would realy like to see one.
The symptoms that you mentioned sound familiar to me. They are kind of the same when I get in to a fight with him, and yes..you guessed..he does not get turned on..I live a very monotonous life....work, home, school, park (I have two doggies), back home to cook, clean and so forth...my husband is a good person but in the 10 years of marriage many things have happened that have kind of trapped me in this environment from which I will find very difficult to leave.
Although my personal life is not normal, I know of couples that fight, and do not know what harmony is in their marriage, and the wives don't have the problem I have...Also the arousal does not only come when I am upset, it can come any time.
I do not have the urge as bad as the other lady has, although I can understand her frustion, but I have to say that the other lady that just turn 50, and whom her problem started after she had lost wait...well, I have to relate to her 100%, because I can remember as if it was yesterday, March 2005...Ironically my problem also started after I had lost weight, I was in a limited calory intake and went to the gym 5 days week, and after almost three of being on the program I started feeling the urge, the first feelings I had were in the clitoral and the urethra sides, the feelings came along with irritation and a UTI, it was horrible because I did not know why I was feeling that. At first I thought it was just an arousal that after having an intercourse would go away as always....but this time never did...it has stayed ever since and has affected my life in any aspect...emotional, physical (I gained weight again), at work (although I do not have to take brakes to masturbate) but still bothers, I have isolated myself from the whole world. My husband though has been very understanding, like I never thought he would and has been very gentle, even has gone with me to the doctors...but nobody can help me with what I feel...it is sad...to sad...I cry everyday...I was doing great at school but I loose concentration, so I am only one class...I have to make an effort to go to work and put a happy face when internally I feel miserable....sorry but I cannot help venting all this out...only one that has the same problem can understand what is going through in life with this...
Hope is my name.

July 8, 2009 - 10:44am

Anon, when you went to your doctor (the one who put you on meds for your bipolar disorder), did you see your regular doctor? Or a psychiatrist?

Many, many patients who have bipolar or depression or anxiety disorders (or a combination) have to work to get their meds adjusted for them. Medicine that works perfectly for one person may have horrible side effects to another person and then be fine for a third person. You say you didn't like the way your meds made you feel; can you be more detailed? How long did you take them? And did you ever go back to see if a different medicine or a different dosage would help?

How often do you cycle through your depressive and manic states? Have you noticed differences in your sexual desire when you cycle through?

If you aren't sure how to go about finding a good psychiatrist who works with bipolar patients, let us know and we'll see if we can help.

February 9, 2009 - 9:18am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for sharing your story. I wanted to share a personal story of mine as well that I think may settle your mind. I have to say that I had (what I thought) was a high sex drive when I was your age. I am currently 31 years old.

In my experience, I was also wanting to have sex several times a day and didn't feel satisfied at the end of the day. I was with one partner though. Of course, there are several issues with having several sexual partners including your chances to contract sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, etc. Precautions are necessary.

The good news is... my sex drive slowed down around 25 years old. I have to admit though that it is back up to par at 31. There is nothing wrong with a high sex drive in woman. The thing is, we get a reputation and there is a chance for pregnancy, etc. Don't think there is something wrong with you though.

The second thing I wanted to touch on was your Bi-Polar diagnosis. You would have severe depression and then severe mania. Medicinenet.com provides these signs and symptoms of the severe mania in people diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong

Increased sexual behavior is common with bipolar disorder as stated above. You may want to consult your physician again and explain to him/her the feelings you are having because it is common to feel that way. It can be suppressed by medications.

I hope this helps to know that your not alone with a high sex drive, you should certainly consult with your physician about the bi-polar disorder though.

February 7, 2009 - 3:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

No i haven't spoken to a doctor... although i am thinking that i should. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year or so ago. Might that have something to do with it? My doctor just kind of put me on meds and didnt really talk to me about it much and i didnt like the way the pills made me feel so i went off them about six months ago

February 6, 2009 - 1:25pm
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