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Is my boyfriend being selfish?

By Anonymous November 1, 2009 - 8:11pm
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My boyfriend has delayed ejaculation. I give him wonderful head, and he can't cum for at least 20 minutes, and never from anything but extremely fast, hard hand-jobs.. He has never cum from sexual intercourse. He always wants me to either blow him, or give him a hand job after sex until he cums, sometimes it takes an hour..! Is he wrong in making me do this? I want him to be happy, but he won't go see a doctor about his problem, and it's affecting our sex life. I just want to have a quickie sometimes, but that can never happen, cause it takes at least 20-30 minutes for him. I can cum in seconds, so that makes it even worse.. Please let me know what can be done, and also, how long is the average length of sexual intercourse? 10 minutes? 20 minutes? I wanna know!

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EmpowHER Guest

Sex therapists are neither cheap nor easy to obtain. If he won't listen to you then the best thing is to just go and find someone who will.

April 8, 2011 - 3:37am

I want to add one last comment, too.

We have already diagnosed this guy with "a problem", with being the one "not communicating", and for "being selfish" or "masturbating too much".

I hope you can see that these could ALL be false statements, and what was the red flag for me was your comment, "...is cumming more important than my happiness, babe?" when I mentioned that you two should talk. This is not healthy, mutually respectful type of communication, that would allow him to open up and speak freely. I understand you are venting and frustrated...and that is what is so great about a discussion online such as this. I just wanted to let you know that these feelings you have will most likely seep through in your tone, and completely alienate your boyfriend from wanting to talk.

There are many people who have genital warts, and your boyfriend has the right to choose not to have intercourse with you. It is not "his problem", "his fault" or anything "wrong" with masturbating. He DOES have the responsibility to openly communicate with you about his fears and desires; what is his ideal sexual relationship...but he needs to be given the space to openly express himself...even if some of the words may hurt.

For these reasons, I agree with Diane: a therapist can be a great 3rd person to allow the "space" for each of you to openly communicate.

November 5, 2009 - 12:53pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend immediately responded that your guy is jerking off to much..that is why it is taking him so long to come. Also, it makes sense, as he needs a "hard, fast handjob" and prefers this over sex. Are you aware if he is masturbating frequently? SOO many men are a little too in love with "Mother Thumb and her four lovely daughters"!!
I am like you and I orgasm within a minute or two....this would kill me! I can't stand prolonged sex!

November 3, 2009 - 11:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

First I just want to say thank you to everyone on here! It's so nice just to be able to get feedback..Secondly.. Maybe that SOB is masturbating too much.. I've asked him, and he said he does sometimes, but I'm not sure he's being truthful. We're together all the time, so I'm not sure when he'd have the time, but if that was the case and I was going through all this I'd be really pissed. .Last night I told him I had wrote to a magazine online.. So at least he knows I mean business.. However, right after that I gave him a 20 minute hand-job, so not sure who won that one. I hate prolonged sex too. and it doesn't help his dick is like, 4 inches big.. Giving handjobs sucks.. Plus I have Genital Warts, so no oral sex for me, ever! Plus, he's a germ-a-phobe, so I'm sure he's psyched I have an STD. It' such a fucked situation. I don't even know what to say.. I'm on Aldara, and get em burnt off(so gross, and painful), but there's always that risk of him getting them, and I don't want him touching my vagina cause I'm self conscience of warts.. Ugh! Can't it be like in the movies, over in 5 minutes, and lovely?

November 4, 2009 - 12:02am
(reply to Anonymous)


I wish I could sit at the kitchen table with you and make big cups of tea and just talk. It sounds like your situation is stressful from about five directions, and none of them are simply handled.

Genital warts are manageable for many people, and it sounds like with medicine and surgery, you do a pretty good job of coping. How often do you have to have the surgery? Does Aldara work well for you?

You said he has a phobia about germs. How bad is this phobia? Do you think that between the Aldara cream (with which you cannot have sex while it's on your skin) and the worry about getting an STD himself that he simply can't enjoy regular intercourse with you? After all, there is no threat to his health with you stimulating him by hand.

Nothing is like it is in the movies, Anon, especially not sex scenes, lol. Just think of all the awkwardness, the camera people, the specific angles and poses people are expected to accomplish, plus the need to act as they were in the most rapturous moment of their lives. Think of their annoyance when the director says "OK, Take 12" and they have to try again and again to make it look realistic. We don't want that. But what we do want is, yes, loving, generous sex with a partner who we love and who loves us, who meets our needs and who inspires us to meet their needs. And that indeed can happen.

For this relationship, though, Anon, I really don't think it's going to happen without some therapy, especially with the new details you've given us. Your boyfriend needs to be honest (with himself and with you) about his germ phobia, his delayed ejaculation, and his fears about your STD, if he has any. You need to be able to express your needs with a third person there who knows how to direct the conversation. (It's funny, but in therapy, if you or your partner says something that's been said 100 times in the past, suddenly you both HEAR it in an entirely different light simply due to the presence of the therapist. It's very powerful and truly helps with getting somewhere in communication.)

I know he will and is resisting this. But is there any way? (Let him pick the counselor, if that helps. Perhaps he won't feel "ganged-up-on" that way.)

November 5, 2009 - 8:55am

Diane gave you excellent resources...and I think the last piece of the puzzle is from Dr. Klein, our medical expert, who discusses the communication, support and caring aspects of a relationship, with a sample script that you can use (of course, fill in your own words related to your situation; this post was about "non-existent sex").

The main premise of this post from Dr. Klein is:
"...you say, 'We both really love each other, but [he] refuses to [talk about sex, makes excuses, doesn't care about my needs, etc].' You know, people tell me all the time how much they love each other, and after 29 years as a marriage counselor and a sex therapist, I honestly don’t know what that means."

"I always figured that when people love each other that means that when somebody says, 'Honey, this is really important to me that you pay attention to this. You don’t have to do it my way, but it’s really important that you take my pain seriously,' I would assume that that’s the most important definition of love. But I see so many people that that’s not part of the definition for them, and your example is a good example of that." "..."So, I don’t know what it means that you love each other."

Following this is a script that you can use. I really hope this helps!

You can read the entire post (or listen to the audio) at:Dr. Klein: Non-existent Sex in Marriage; What Should I Do?

November 3, 2009 - 12:40pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Thanx again Alison,

That is good advice. I will def take that under consideration when I tell him how I feel, I'll bring that up, like, is cumming more important than my happiness, babe?

Last night I told him how I wrote to you guys online and somehow he got me to give him a handjob, and it took 20 minutes.. I was like.. WTF?

Maybe he's just a douche..

November 4, 2009 - 12:22am

Here are my thoughts/information for you:

1. According to most human sexuality research, human intercourse is actually about 2 minutes, not including fore-play and other activities, but the actual penetration of penis-to-vagina is just a few minutes.
2. I am not sure if your boyfriend is being "selfish", but what I do know is he is "making you" do anything you don't want to do, or you do not feel happy, satisfied, pleasure and joy when being physically intimate with him...then it is time for a talk about what you DO want out of a healthy sexual relationship.

If you are able to have an orgasm in just minutes...most women would be astounded and want to know your secrets! I hope you feel empowered in your relationship that you can tell your boyfriend "no" that you do not feel like giving oral sex or anything else.

Are you interested in resources on how to have a healthy sexual relationship? I'm just curious about what you are wanting, because it seems as though you are wondering what is wrong with him and putting all the blame on him...when it does not sound like you two are doing or have the most basic and fundamental aspect that is required of a healthy sexual relationship: open, honest communication, mutual trust, respect and compromise.

November 1, 2009 - 9:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

Hi Alison,
I appreciate your thoughts and have def tried the open honesty thing, he knows how I feel, but doesn't seem to care, I guess the word would be.. I've told him I just want to have sex, and I'll do the foreplay thing.. but after sex just want to relax.. and not have to constantly give handy's.. but he always ends up trying to pressure me to do it.. ugh.

2 minutes is the average!? What? and the guy cums? That would be a miracle with what I'm working with.. 20 minutes minimum.. and again, not from sex. only manual stimulation. I don't mean to put all the blame on him, but I just feel like he wants what he wants, and screw me.. I just wish there was a cure, ya know.. We love each other, and I don't want this to be the end of things. I am open, and all, he isn't.. I think it was the way he was raised, he always says, some things are private.. Well.. some things need to get medical attention.. Any more advice with this additional info?


November 2, 2009 - 2:49am
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi, Anon. Thanks so much for giving us some more information.

This is a tough situation for you, I know. I'm glad you've been able to talk openly about it, but I'm sorry that yor boyfriend "doesn't seem to care." And that you "just feel like he wants what he wants, and screw me."

Do you think that he really feels that way? If so, Anon, I am not sure this relationship can survive. In order to work through a sexual issue like this, both people have to want to do it. Yes, some things ARE private, but "private" includes your sexual partner/life partner.

Something has to happen here. The way I see it, it's one of the following:
1. You adapt to this as a permanent way of life as long as you're with him, or
2. He agrees to work on the problem with you and possibly with a doctor, or
3. Things stay as they are, and the relationship slowly deteriorates because of it.

Like Alison, I can't know if your boyfriend is being "selfish." To me, selfish implies some sort of intention or deliberate choice. I think more likely is the fact that he doesn't know what to do and doesn't like the possibility of seeing a doctor or a counselor. And right now, he has everything he wants -- in other words, there's no actual reason for him to change. It seems like your feelings about this issue are not enough.

You didn't mention how old your boyfriend is. I'm wondering, since he's never been able to ejaculate from intercourse, how long this has been going on for him.

One possible issue is that the manual stimulation you give your boyfriend simulates masturbation. Web MD says that manual stimulation -- with its intensity, pressure and friction -- may actually be part of the culprit in a man not being able to have an orgasm in any other way:

"Michael A. Perelman, PhD, a sex and marital therapist in New York City, says he sometimes tries to get men with delayed orgasm to agree to a masturbation moratorium. This does more than stop the practices that may be contributing to the problem. It also allows a build-up of sexual desire, which provides "a mechanism for reducing the threshold of arousal necessary for orgasm," he says."

Here's that page:


The Mayo Clinic's Q&A discusses some possible medical causes of delayed ejaculation:


But that page also says this:

"However, the most common causes of delayed ejaculation are psychological. These may stem from concerns about performance or cultural or religious taboos. Another psychological cause is conditioning resulting from certain masturbation patterns. For example, a man who is used to masturbating with a very fast motion may find it difficult to climax with the slower process of intercourse."

Here's the New York Times' Health Guide page on delayed ejaculation (which also says, like Alison said, that "Most men ejaculate within 2 to 4 minutes after onset of active thrusting in intercourse":


Is this information of any help to you? Do you think that it's possible that the manual stimulation is actually part of the ongoing problem?

November 3, 2009 - 8:28am
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