Is my boyfriend being selfish?

Anon,

I wish I could sit at the kitchen table with you and make big cups of tea and just talk. It sounds like your situation is stressful from about five directions, and none of them are simply handled.

Genital warts are manageable for many people, and it sounds like with medicine and surgery, you do a pretty good job of coping. How often do you have to have the surgery? Does Aldara work well for you?

You said he has a phobia about germs. How bad is this phobia? Do you think that between the Aldara cream (with which you cannot have sex while it's on your skin) and the worry about getting an STD himself that he simply can't enjoy regular intercourse with you? After all, there is no threat to his health with you stimulating him by hand.

Nothing is like it is in the movies, Anon, especially not sex scenes, lol. Just think of all the awkwardness, the camera people, the specific angles and poses people are expected to accomplish, plus the need to act as they were in the most rapturous moment of their lives. Think of their annoyance when the director says "OK, Take 12" and they have to try again and again to make it look realistic. We don't want that. But what we do want is, yes, loving, generous sex with a partner who we love and who loves us, who meets our needs and who inspires us to meet their needs. And that indeed can happen.

For this relationship, though, Anon, I really don't think it's going to happen without some therapy, especially with the new details you've given us. Your boyfriend needs to be honest (with himself and with you) about his germ phobia, his delayed ejaculation, and his fears about your STD, if he has any. You need to be able to express your needs with a third person there who knows how to direct the conversation. (It's funny, but in therapy, if you or your partner says something that's been said 100 times in the past, suddenly you both HEAR it in an entirely different light simply due to the presence of the therapist. It's very powerful and truly helps with getting somewhere in communication.)

I know he will and is resisting this. But is there any way? (Let him pick the counselor, if that helps. Perhaps he won't feel "ganged-up-on" that way.)

Hi, Anon. Thanks so much for giving us some more information.

This is a tough situation for you, I know. I'm glad you've been able to talk openly about it, but I'm sorry that yor boyfriend "doesn't seem to care." And that you "just feel like he wants what he wants, and screw me."

Do you think that he really feels that way? If so, Anon, I am not sure this relationship can survive. In order to work through a sexual issue like this, both people have to want to do it. Yes, some things ARE private, but "private" includes your sexual partner/life partner.

Something has to happen here. The way I see it, it's one of the following:
1. You adapt to this as a permanent way of life as long as you're with him, or
2. He agrees to work on the problem with you and possibly with a doctor, or
3. Things stay as they are, and the relationship slowly deteriorates because of it.

Like Alison, I can't know if your boyfriend is being "selfish." To me, selfish implies some sort of intention or deliberate choice. I think more likely is the fact that he doesn't know what to do and doesn't like the possibility of seeing a doctor or a counselor. And right now, he has everything he wants -- in other words, there's no actual reason for him to change. It seems like your feelings about this issue are not enough.

You didn't mention how old your boyfriend is. I'm wondering, since he's never been able to ejaculate from intercourse, how long this has been going on for him.

One possible issue is that the manual stimulation you give your boyfriend simulates masturbation. Web MD says that manual stimulation -- with its intensity, pressure and friction -- may actually be part of the culprit in a man not being able to have an orgasm in any other way:

"Michael A. Perelman, PhD, a sex and marital therapist in New York City, says he sometimes tries to get men with delayed orgasm to agree to a masturbation moratorium. This does more than stop the practices that may be contributing to the problem. It also allows a build-up of sexual desire, which provides "a mechanism for reducing the threshold of arousal necessary for orgasm," he says."

Here's that page:

http://men.webmd.com/guide/overcoming-ejaculation-problems

The Mayo Clinic's Q&A discusses some possible medical causes of delayed ejaculation:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/delayed-ejaculation/AN01299

But that page also says this:

"However, the most common causes of delayed ejaculation are psychological. These may stem from concerns about performance or cultural or religious taboos. Another psychological cause is conditioning resulting from certain masturbation patterns. For example, a man who is used to masturbating with a very fast motion may find it difficult to climax with the slower process of intercourse."

Here's the New York Times' Health Guide page on delayed ejaculation (which also says, like Alison said, that "Most men ejaculate within 2 to 4 minutes after onset of active thrusting in intercourse":

http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/delayed-ejaculation/overview.html

Is this information of any help to you? Do you think that it's possible that the manual stimulation is actually part of the ongoing problem?