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We had the Break-Up conversation! help!

By December 4, 2009 - 8:45am
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so from my other posts you will see that I am in a relatively unhealthy relationship. I do want to leave but at the same time I don't. I can't imagine what I would do if I were without him. Last nite we had a conversation in which he told me that he didn't feel we had the same world view (which I argued because I don't belive that is true or that it is the issue) and that we were not compatible. So right there you assume that he wants to leave me, right? but then he says that it is me that has to make a choice! He asked me what my most extreme thoughts were over the past three days(as this has been ongoing) and i told him Us not being together and he said an then what and I told him I didn't get that far. Then I asked him what his most extreme thoughts were and he said one of them was "this girl is gonna leave me cuz I won't F**K her" This sentance shocked my system for a few reasons:

1. I found the language crude and that he thinks of our intimate relationship as nothing more than f**king.
2. I do not only care about the sex it is the intimacy that we no longer share, the hugs and kisses and cuddles are not there either.
3. He has issues about our compatiability an our values not matching but the most extreme thought was me leaving him due to the lack of Sex. I feel he wasn't being honest here and was trying to shift the blame of who is actually breaking it off to me. I think he has thought about leaving and doesn't want to be the one to do it.
He tells me that he is the only one in the relationship that can have a grown up conversation about this, yet he is not taking part in the desicion. He is leaving it up to me whether to leave or not. Which is unfair because does that mean that I am the only one unhappy and that if I am unhappy I should be the one to move out and leave everything. Is that so he can clear himself of guilt over things he may have missed and therefore had a part in the demise of our relationship. He also said that if I leave he is secure! when I asked what he meant he said that he knows he did everything possible and right and that he couldn't have fixed it. He also told me that he sees this unhappiness repeating itself in my future, which I am not sure if he is right and I am unhappy and will feel this way with everyone or if it is manipulation to make me think that I am unhappy and that it is not his fault so I may as well stay. I really dont know what I am asking here I was kind of hoping just to have some ppl to bounce that off of and see what they think. I don't know if this is an opportunity that I should take advantage of and cut my losses or if his unwillingness to take part in the desicion is a sign that he wants to make this work and that I should continue trying. I am soo confused and I look forward to your insight.

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So glad to hear from you again.

Pat gave you great advice. I don't have much to ask except this: You don't want to be pitiful, you know? You don't want to stay in a relationship where someone doesn't want to be there. You don't want to be so needy that you say "stay" just because you are afraid to go.

You should stay if you think he is the one for you. And that there is potential to be loving, equal partners who work together to enjoy life and solve problems. And he needs to believe those things too.

If that's not going to happen, Lonesome1, you need to be able to let go with some dignity. Don't cry, beg or plead. Don't fall for this passive-aggressive "it's your choice" thing. If he won't come out and say what he wants to happen, he's not being honest with himself or you.

I know how frightening it is to think that you'll never find anyone like him again, or anyone better for you. But that can't decide whether HE is good for you.

This is mostly a matter of weakness and strength. Work your way toward the strength end of it, Lonesome. Trust yourself to be secure in yourself, too.

December 7, 2009 - 9:17am
Expert HERWriter Guide Blogger

Hi lonesome1 - Yes, it's always hard whether you're the one saying "I'm leaving" or the one saying "You have to go." This situation has got to be difficult for both of you, and it doesn't help to have it coming just before the holidays.

Do you have a close friend or a counselor or perhaps a spiritual guide? If not, is there any kind of support group, women's help center, healthcare practitioner available to you? Someone objective that you could trust, who could help you sort out your feelings?

You seem to be moving toward accepting the break up, dealing with a lot of fear, wrestling with doubt, and also taking on the practical concerns that would come with a move. That's an awful lot to be taking on by one's self, especially when you're losing someone close to you that most likely was your confidante before.

However you do it, what's needed is to find a way to figure out what YOU want and what's best for YOU. Continuing to find ways of evaluating the situation in terms of the impact on him is holding you back from going forward.

Look at it this way - 10, 20, 30 years from now, you're still going to be living with you. How will what you do today affect the person you will be in the future? What's in your own best interest? What supports you? If you were a good friend talking to you, what would you say?

I hope this helps. Getting a clear head in the midst of turmoil is never easy for any of us. I think you're on the path to getting there though. Will you keep us posted? Pat

December 5, 2009 - 1:09pm

thanks Pat,
I think I know I have to leave but I just can't be the one to say the words. I am scared of hurting him, if this is not what he wants.
I am afraid I will regret It.
I don't really have a place to live if I leave and since he seems to be pushing this desicion on me that means I have to be the one to give up the apt. since i am the one who wants to leave.
I worry that maybe it is me and I am just an unsatisfied person and can't find happiness anywhere and it has nothing to do with him.
I feel very strongly that this has to end, yet I have felt this b4 and later regretted it. I just wish he would make it simple and cheat on me or something so I could leave him with a clear head that it wasn't my fault.
I know that is an aweful thing to say but I think it would be easier to leave if I hated him, the hardest part is that I still love him. After everything we have been through it is really hard to say the words " I'm Leaving".

December 4, 2009 - 2:06pm
Expert HERWriter Guide Blogger

Hi lonesome1 - As I read through your comments I kept trying to figure out what you were asking, and then got to the part where you said you really didn't know what you were asking. Perhaps you needed an opportunity to vent, and to get your thoughts and feelings out and in writing. Have things become clearer for you since you wrote this, or have they become more muddled?

You said "I can't imagine what I would do if I were without him" but you've provided no reasons why you would want to stay, and a whole lot of reasons why this relationship, in your very own words, is unhealthy.

As far as insight, you've provided a lot of insight into this situation with your own words. They include:
- unhealthy relationship
- crude language
- no longer share intimacy
- wasn't honest
- shifting blame

You are the only one who can decide whether staying in this relationship is the right thing to do or not. It might help to go back and read your comments again as if you were an outside third party. What do YOU think this woman should do?

Good luck to you. I hope you will let us know what you decide to do.
Take good care,

December 4, 2009 - 1:26pm
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